i hate myself sometimes. i don't like to admit it. i shouldn't hate myself. luckily, i've found that when i admit that i hate myself, i begin to change the part that i hate into something better. so, i'm admitting tonight, that i hate a few parts of myself. i hate the part of that is so lazy, i won't even get up to get myself something to eat when i'm hungry. i'll put it off, as if it will go away, until i'm so hungry i'm depressed and volatile. who does that? i'll get cold, but i won't put anything on to warm me up. i'll see the trash around me, dirt on the floor, bills i need to pay, and i won't take care of them. not until i get angry enough at myself that i feel like i'm the punisher.

what's this about? did i think my life was gonna be handed to me easy? yeah, i think so. i guess i figured when i got out of the air force, everything would be great. but it isn't. i'm working harder than i ever worked in the air force, and making a quarter of the money for it. mostly because i'm too lazy to go out and find myelf a different job. see? repetitive pattern, anyone? yeah, this is pitiful. i'm a bigger person than this.

but hey, now that i've got my ire sparked, now that i'm hating myself, i'm gonna change it. because this isn't good enough. i can do better.