I've been taking some time to think about what I should and shouldn't say here. which means i haven't said anything at all. I have character trait of analyzing problems to the last detail and ending up with inertia because i can't solve the differences.
how much of my personal life do i include here? there are stories i want to tell, about growing up, about my family that frighten me. it doesn't make sense unless you know what i'm talking about, and telling you enough to understand is exactly what frightens me. this may become a moot point soon. but i won't explain that, either.

i'd also like to talk about a picture. of course, talking about a picture isn't half as good as simply showing the picture. but again, i'm afraid. do i give up my anonymity? most bloggers have, are willing to post pictures of themselves. I don't want to use this blog to show off; i'm tired of using my body in the gay world to help me make friends, mainly because it's never worked. my body has made love, jealousy, desire, attention and intimidation, but it's never made me a friend. it's been dangerous and powerful, much more so than i first realized. i began growing my hair and keeping a short beard first because i had never done it before but secondly, to change, and to become a little less attractive. or at least, only attractive to a certain crowd. this new picture has made me attractive to many once again, and it frightens me. i don't want to trap myself again, be a slave to my own lust, to go out just to make people lust after me, to realize just how many men want me. it's unhealthy and surprisingly lonely.

Both of these problems though are a problem understanding my entire self. my family, the way i grew up, is a part of me. an important part of me that i usually avoid because i can't make sense of it, because i'm afraid to tell most people about it. my body is also me, although it's taken more getting used to than i can explain. it has a power of it's own, and i want that control back in my own hands. at some point, perhaps i have to let go, realize that i can't control everything, that i just have to be who i am, no matter how complicating and confusing my self is. but at the moment, i don't have the support i might need to lean on while dealing with such confusion. and i'm afraid to try anything too difficult on my own.