words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, September 23, 2002
2002-08-10 - 9:13 a.m.
the things in my head are mostly things that nobody can answer. if anyone, i am the only one who can answer them. i can't believe what happens everywhere. i am outraged constantly, shocked and depressed. no wonder people have talked about the depravity of man so often. i have for so long looked at the beauty in life and have been overwhelmed with it. and now the evil juts out with extreme ugliness. why are there so many poor people in this world, when i see afluence all around me? the greed we all have, that i do nothing about. i give here and there, but i don't trust that it works or that i am giving enough. will my convictions hold when i want to buy another stupid shirt at the mall?
and then you have violence. here i am sitting in uniform, watching over systems that promote war and violence, feeling heavy with concscience wondering what i am doing to the world. is there an escape to this, or would i be breaking a promise if i tried to get out now? how would i get out now anyway? i don't have any idea. can i argue that war is always wrong, that the deaths of innocent is more important than stopping what monsters are out there? there are monsters out there sometimes, and what will happen to them if we are not strong enough to resist? what about our revolution from england, was it not justified and worthwhile, even though it caused deaths in our own country? when everything else has failed, maybe violence is the only way out. i hate thinking, although i'm not sure i can argue with it. do we simply lay back and suffer? If we are to emulate Jesus, then we would turn our cheek every day, let people slap us and treat us like we are nothing. yet we would still get up and walk on, continuing our mission, hated and feared until someone kills us. who is so strong? strong enough to not fight back. strong enough to not scream at the car in front of you who cut you off, strong enough not to confront gay-bashers, to assert myself as a protector. i cannot weigh all of this, my scales are not large enough to hold such decisions. instead i wander around in befuddlement, shocked at what people do to each other, at how they don't hold each other when they are scared, at how they reject each other constanstly and then complain they are lonely. yes, me too.
but there are good things to talk about. i know that, too. by talking about them, do i fall guilty in not acting on some of these outrages, or am i realizing that i cannot dwell on depressing matters forever without risking my own death? i had fun dancing last night. i had so much fun dancing last night, fun like nothing is ever wrong and i'm a child again without any cares or fears, fun that says i can do anything and not fear the humiliation society loves to hand over. and it felt so good, and i am rather envious of being there because now i am here, fearful and shocked. but wasn't it good, wasn't it excellent to play with those beats, to move and bounce, to express my joy with a crazed laughter so free i could hardly stop, couldn't bear to do anything but grin with my entire body. maybe we need these moments to lift us out of despair that would drive us into doing nothing. i can't argue with joy, not like that. i can't say that wasn't worthwhile, that i didn't feel happier on that floor than i ever do, no matter what it is i'm doing.
9:00 PM
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