words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, July 31, 2003
amazing the kind of people out there. i used to not pay attention, think i was somehow sheltered from most of the interesting people, solitary. i am learning that mostly, my eyes were not open very well. i thought i tried, thought i tried so hard to find good people. now they seem to show up everywhere, at any random bar or coffee shop, new people, people i already knew, crazy fun people. poeple i'd love to spend more time with, figuring out who people are. i guess i used to ignore them, didn't know how, still don't really know how. i grew up choosing solitude over people, and it took me a long time to erase that choice, take off the blinders i put on. and now i'm just shocked, constantly, at all the good people. not perfect people, but people i can talk to, understand, enjoy time with. crazy how dense i was.
10:56 AM
Sunday, July 27, 2003
I've never had an angry argument in my life. i wouldn't know how. my parent's taught me too well not to express my anger. so the only way it ever comes out is when i'm alone. then i fume, walk around, grumble about the object of my anger. i know, not very dramatic.
i would love to though. would love to be able to tell people how i felt about them, to tell them how rude they're being, why i'm angry at them, anything, to express my anger. i'm not angry right now; i just know from experience that even if i do get angry, i won't do a thing about it. in fact, i probably won't even realize i'm angry until a few hours after the appropriate time for a confrontation. i have a delayed anger mechanism; i have to think about all the angles of an argument before i can get angry about it. voices in my head tell me not to worry about things when i'm around others, just ride the moment. i can find good in that, even though i sound pitiful, weak-kneed. it's let me ease situations better than most people i know, but only because i am incapable of becoming angry quickly. it's let me talk to people that i wouldn't talk to in my anger, be civil with them when i should probably shout at them, deal with them when others wouldn't, calm their anger by my peacefulness.
but then, maybe i've never loved anyone enough to actually reveal my anger, as if i'm holding back a beautiful part of my soul, too precious to share with strangers. if i knew i had to live with someone, had to love him or her, had to settle our differences, maybe then i could show my anger. but until then, i'm too modest.
2:46 PM
Saturday, July 26, 2003
I'm living in between now, the perihelion of travel, closer to all points than i am to any one. moving so fast it seems, i don't exist anywhere except in my own mind, grey clouds all around me without a sense of geography. staying a few days in one place, planning more driving, more from here to there, to make this date, to see this person, to spread my life around from town to town. i'm thinner that way though, too thin to exist, just a part of different people's imaginations. i don't last long.
my head is a good place to be though, and planning is better than working. its fun to be that gossamer thread, the bridge between two points, defined only by what you stretch between.
3:01 PM
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Is our american system strong enough to stand through all the current problems? history says it just might. the exhibit in the American History Museum in dc on the japanese internment during WWII spoke to the current crimes and attiudes against our muslim population. yes, the country committed atrocities, yes, it held people unreasonably, like we are doing in Guantanamo Bay, but somehow, because of the checks and balances of the system, the country eventually stopped and somewhat apologized. The mere fact that a national museum has an exhibit on what the country did wrong speaks to our ability to grow from our mistakes instead of trying to blot them out. A hundred years ago, we also had huge problems with monopolies controlling every part of the industries. some laws helped to take care of the problem, and although it's not entirely fixed, it got better. perhaps the current problems with the FCC and the ever-reaching Clear Channel will be solved eventually as well. McCarthyism too died out after its time.
I've let my fear overrun me a bit lately, despairing that the Bush big-business crowd will ruin our country, but if i had only been alive longer, I would have known that this is just history repeating, and people will hopefully stand up to it, take power away from it. I don't know when to draw the line and say that our country will never recover, but at the moment, it doesn't look like we're anywhere near that point. yes, ridiculous things are happening; the obvious doesn't seem so obvious to the majority; but we're nowhere near sunk.
still, what can i do to help?
1:32 PM
Monday, July 21, 2003
home now. no, wait, i don't have a home. i'm just staying with a friend. but i do have my computer, which, at the moment, is all the home i need. of course, some would argue that home is more where you have your friends and where you feel comfortable. if so, then home includes many places around the country, including d.c. where i got to meet a guy i already consider a friend, chrisafer. Home will also be in tulsa when i go to visit my mother and a few people i know there; home may be in minneapolis when i go to visit emily, and home may always be here in st louis where i seem to have the largest congregation of friends and comfortable feelings.
d.c. felt like fulfilling a prophecy. i have seen so many of those monuments and buildings on tv and in pictures that when seeing them in full life, they felt more like a deja vu, a realisation of earlier visions. i have so many thoughts about that town, which i might have time to relate, such as the reality vs. fiction of politics, the college-age congressional staffers, riding the metro, all the military uniforms, the monuments of american culture and history, art that pulled me towards it, begged me not to leave it but to come back and visit again, exhibits that pulled tears out of my eye, so clearly feeling a small part of the pain that built the history behind them, the good time spent with my travelling friend, all those hours in the car, and my own state of nomadic movement.
the world is rich and full; never close your eyes from it.
1:16 PM
Friday, July 18, 2003
yes, i'm in the disctrict now (it's not sleeping alone tonight!). so many, too many things here. but the art museums are fantastic. i got to see two gorgeous rothko's and a pollack. wonderful, wonderful. much walking, finding of oolong tea, and eating. always eating. i can't stop being hungry. and i miss all of my clothes i packed away. pity. weird to be in a place that i recognize from pictures; gives you an otherworldly feel, like it never was real in the first place, and now that you're there, maybe you're not real either. confusion.
10:19 AM
Saturday, July 12, 2003
ok, my car's back from the shop with the air conditioner in good working order, i have a new blue ink cartridge and a dark purple plastic folder (with a matching elastic band to hold it together) to hold some poetry and other papers i don't want folded, i have most of my pre-moving tasks done, and i'm excited now. maybe i'm looking at my world through my purple-colored glasses again. so much now, and what's left is just exciting, like packing all the right things, painting my new notebook, and saying goodbye to everyone. there are still a few things i'm waiting on of course, but i'm feeling ready, a marked change from this past week of anxiety and trouble breathing.
all that, and i blocked my stone-washed jeans today.
2:53 PM
Friday, July 11, 2003
yes, i know changes. all too well it seems. but then, maybe i'm just a cancer and didn't realize it. according to the latest free will pronouncement, i'm "already the zodiac's most frequent and expert changer." i wish someone would have told me that eight years ago when I began this furious change, throwing the guise my parents tried to give me and looking for myself. and no, i don't expect i'll ever find everything, especially when i keep changing. but i suppose looking is the fun of it, right? well, yes, except for when, like the past year, i have written so much about the changes in my life that I couldn't even read all the pages in the next month. then i feel tired, like i'm running in circles chasing my tail that keeps moving with me, because it's a part of me too, no matter how foreign i may think it is. maybe this upcoming trip will take me out of that loop, will teach me to see more of the world rather than staring into myself. who knows who i will be when i return?
9:45 AM
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
all i can see is a black and white tv show, perhaps Lassie, where the boy has found a bird and wants to keep it. the bird is hurt a bit, and he tries to comfort it, but really has no idea what he's doing. because he's a boy and because he wants someone who he can have as his own, he tries to keep the bird, make it love him back, hope that he's enough for the bird. but eventually, the boy realizes, maybe from a look his dad gives him, maybe from the bird already trying to walk away into the world, hopping and fluttering, maybe something free in his own soul, that he has to let the bird go. and so he picks up his bird, takes it to the highest place he knows, a hill a few miles away, and lets it fly off his hand, wondering what will fill the hole inside.
i was that bird a few years ago. now i'm the boy. maybe soon i'll grow into a man.
12:11 PM
Monday, July 07, 2003
soon i'll be traveling, driving my car around the midwest mostly. i've been doing more biking than driving lately, to and from work, going out at night, biking whenever i can. i've always wanted to do this but only a few times tried it, and now am living it. but not for much longer. i'll be back to paying for my way with gas and car usage. of course, i'll also have music, whether from a cd player that i hope to put back in my car, or through the ipod (hopefully both). and it will be cooler, assuming i get my a/c fixed in time. and much less exercise but farther.
driving is time to think for me, although i've had plenty of that in the past two months, writing while at work, watching an empty cafe. so am i looking forward to it? yes, mostly. there are always drawbacks to travel, like a bathroom in easy reach, the thrill of staying home and doing nothing, the hassle of moving around so much. how much can i take without being absurd? i don't really need much though. we fool ourselves into thinking we need so much of the things we keep around. mostly, they're pretty pointless.
so i have one week until my life must be organized enough to put most of it away for a while, keeping just enough to allow me to travel around. my last gallon of milk for this apartment. soon, somewhere else will be home, my third location in this city. i've learned i must change my address every year or so, or my mother wont' claim me as a Potts. her address book is so full of whiteout from the moving around Potts family, you can't even find the paper anymore.
i will be happier when this in-between state is over, the packing, the worrying, the planning. come next tuesday, i can just play.
6:13 PM
Saturday, July 05, 2003
I love it when someone comes banging on your door when you're fast asleep, looking to beat up the previous occupant of your apartment. it's such a delicious wake-up call. they're at least a year late, since i've been here that long. funny, though, i was hoping it was the UPS man. hopefully, there's a package coming for me next week. but it was just some mean tough lady who got to see my bed head. which is pretty spectacular at the moment. if you want to see it, just knock quietly on the door. i'll still hear you, but i won't be emotionally disturbed, remembering the banging on doors during basic training nine years ago, around 5:30, right after the sun rose. sometimes i would wake up beforehand, hear the birds chirping, and then hear it down the hall, whistles blowing, people screaming, doors banging, just waiting for my personal door-banging. it was worst though when they woke you out of a dream about being yelled at. the relief of realizing it was a dream evaporates when you start to hear them yell.
10:28 AM
Thursday, July 03, 2003
be careful how and why you befriend a person. are you merely interested in this someone, or are you attracted to him and trying to find out if he's worth dating? is it for you or for him, can it be for both of you? are you hiding important information from him to make your situation more likable?
Lynda Barry said we're all vampires; when we look in the mirror we don't see ourselves. No matter how much I reflect, I can't quite clear the fuzziness, can't understand myself or how people see me. Still, I learned at one time that people respond to my face more than i would expect, and flirting can be dangerous if the other guy thinks i am serious. unfortunately, this is all hearsay because i don't have a grasp on what i look like. a litle innocent fun turns into hurt feelings and confusion. i know what i'm doing more than I want to realize. maybe i just have to communicate my intentions better. or maybe i'm still confused.
12:20 AM
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
glad that's over. pride on sunday, birthday yesterday, all sorts of being happy. not sure if i would want to continue such happiness. well, ok, so there were some major frustrations too, but not things i would like to talk about. i do have some new music though, to show for the past couple of days. I heard the Urban Jazz Naturals Sunday again, as good as ever, my favorite local band, and some of the best house music i've ever heard - their beats are as unformulaic as they come, twisting and turning your body like electroshock therapy. I received some roberta flack music which shows great promise, as well as a mixed cd which i am anxious to hear, right after i finish listening to the only blip hop cd you'll ever need, vol. 1 (love the contradiction) which i bought for myself yesterday. my ears will be full for the next couple of days, reveling in the new sounds; a good way to remember the past couple of wild days.
12:26 PM
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
July first has always been a day to look forward to on the calendar, to count the days until, to tell people about. i remember my mother used to make chocolate cake with white icing and m&m's stuck all in the icing. the cake wasn't really so good, but the m&m's she stuck on it made it all worthwhile. I would often have french toast that morning, and always got to pick a restaurant for that night, many times a japanese one. i had a few parties when i was younger, but none i remember too well - i always stressed over who to invite, and how well they would get along with each other. in high school, my mother would often let me off work for the day, although i don't quite remember what i did. i always appreciated that July first fell halfway between christmas, so there were two days equidistant from each other that i would receive presents. when i turned eighteen, it was my second day of basic training at the u.s. air force academy. I didn't tell anyone besides my roommate. In fact, i had a number of bad first of july's during college, until my last one, when my brother was in town, and several friends met us out at T.G.I. Friday's for my twenty-first July first. How good it felt to have him around me, liking me, and meeting some good friends of mine, none of whom i really know now. several times, i've been almost totally alone, having just moved into town, like in sacramento for twenty-two and st louis for twenty-five. that was when i would just take a long bike ride in the morning, and revel in the solitude, loving every minute that I could. see, i learned in college that it wasn't so much about what you did but how much you allowed yourself to enjoy it. if you go through the day thinking, this is going to be a good day, and nothing can knock me down, you can get a flat tire on your bike and have to walk five miles in your incredibly uncomfortable bike shoes, and still enjoy the trees and the air and wearing spandex.
now that it's past midnight, and officially july first, i have a lot on my mind. I have, for years, looked forward to twenty-seven, knowing that I would be out of the air force by then, but not sure what would be going on in my life. and that is true, my life is in one of the best spots it's ever had. i have wonderful friends right here in town; my future looks incredible; i am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been; and I am growing closer and closer to my mother, whom i often miss very much though I try to hide it. i also have vanilla rice milk and vanilla yogurt for breakfast when i wake up. not to mention a planned bike ride, with a spare tube just in case. i dont' have everything, but then, that's impossible, so i'll take what i have and do my best to love it, even the heat of the st louis summer, let it wrap me in its warmth and help me to grow into twenty-seven, a man who has learned so much in his past, that life can be wonderful and sad, but is most often best taken with a light attitude, trusting more in revolution, the fact that things keep on turning instead of wishing they would stay the same or converge into one line. tomorrow might be even better than today.
12:38 AM
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