words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, September 23, 2002
2002-08-16 - 12:15 p.m.
i also went to the youth group meeting last night, which was frustrating as usual. i'm realizing that its' my problem, not theirs. i am awfully jealous of these kids. i would so love to be back in high school, openly gay, with all i had back then. i had such a great time in high school. i know that being openly gay would have caused major problems, but at the same time, what would have happened? i might have been able to have done a lot of good. if anyone had power in my high school, i did. i started on the football team, and was pretty well-liked by them, more so than i liked them. i was also on the track team, which was a hugely different collection of people, athletic, but not really jocks. I was really a nerd, and knew that whole side of the high school as well--shoot, i shared the top position in the class. i was the speaker at graduation. imagine if i had been openly gay! i'm sure i couldn't have done all that, but i have a feeling i still could have done a lot. why is it that i want to face all this trouble? why do i dream of coming out here on base? i know i'm sick of hiding, so sick that i invite trouble just so i can be honest. sitting around watching those kids makes me wonder. they are doing so much for their community, and they're just little things. if they can do what they are doing, what couldn't i have done? i was the biggest and the strongest, and one of the smartest. i know i'm getting nowhere with this argument. i can't go back to high school, can't change my own history. i wish i could though. i wish i could do it now.
but i also want to be one of them, to belong to their group. not so much because i think they're an incredible group, but because i want to belong to a group. maybe that's what the frontrunners were to me, and i've rejected the group here because they're lame. maybe i want a support group, never having had something like that. i'm just afraid that's going to be another group i won't be able to stomach. this tells me though that i'm no good to these kids right now, not when i need a group for myself. that's why i don't say much when i'm there. the issues they're battling are still issues for me. i still have that crazy teenage angst and bitterness at the world, feelings i never had while i was an actual teenager. at one point, when another advisor said something like, how does being gay in high school affect your surroundings, i almost dropped my jaw. it was a reflex action. spending so much time at work with other people, i can't say that. to hear him just declare it, so obviously, shocked me. you know i'm not shy about being gay in public--shoot, i'll hold hands with michael most anywhere. but for one second, i forgot where i was. it dawned on me how repressed i do feel at work. i can't quite get rid of it when i leave. will i ever really leave the Air Force? can i? it seems like forever. to realize that i've spent almost a third of my life in the Air Force disturbs me. but i complain about this all the time. the time will come.
8:59 PM
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