words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, September 26, 2002
I know I haven't finished the last post--it's almost too much to work on. I went to the gym today and tried to do a push-up, for almost the first time since I tore my chest back in April. I'm not having surgery, the doctor at Barnes told me today. He said I would not benefit much from it, and there's no guarantee the surgery would hold. He said I would heal relatively all right without it, and that I could begin doing stuff with my chest, so long as it doesn't hurt. I am somewhat disappointed. I wanted a magic pill that would heal all of this so i could start fresh. I guess that never really happens does it? So, at the gym tonight, I figured I would try one out. I had no idea what kind of fear that would bring out in me. I kept remembering the noise and the pain of when my chest first tore. I could hardly make myself do the push-up, afraid of hurting myself again. I did eventually do two, but couldn't bring myself to do any more. I didn't expect that. This is going to be a mental struggle more than it is a physical struggle, i can tell. I don't know if I'll ever have the confidence to really push my chest to grow again. Maybe in time, after a lot of work, I will gain that back. how frightening though, to think that tear might happen again. That noise, have you ever heard a pulley break? you have a long chain that's pulling something up over a wheel of some sort. the chain breaks and whips itself around that wheel. Yes, I heard some tendon or muscle rip and then flap around a wheel as if it were pulling back on itself, wrapping around itself. yes, enough to make you want to pass out, isn't it? that's what I'm thinking when I get ready to do a push-up. i almost want someone there to hold me up in case it does start to hurt, even though I could just as easily release the pressure and fall to the floor.
by the way, the song below that i talked about, is called "If You Love Me' by a group called Brownstone. I don't know anything else they've done, but they're a black threesome of women somewhat like En Vogue. I wonder if the rest of their stuff is worth listening to?
10:11 PM
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