words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, September 23, 2002
September 06, 2002 - 12:07
oh my goodness, what a week. i dont' think i've written anything since last week. i don't even know how to think about it. a trip to new orleans still has my head and loins spinning. my work week was absolutely terrible, and i'm trying to figure out why. was it just the busy-ness of it, or was there something to do with me, and my reaction of it? i couldn't say right now.
the trip to new orleans somehow heightened my loneliness. all those horny half-naked men running around. none of them my friends, none of them even available to me. i can have them all sexually but only for one night. who will satisfy my emotional needs? i have no family right now that i am close to. my boyfriend is thousands of miles away. the only people i knew well in st louis are gone, either temporarily or permanently, like Dave. what happens to all the energy i poured into him? i hope he benefits from it. i know i have from being around him, as much as it did hurt some. oh my though, i could use a night with a good friend. who? well, richard. and yes, i'm going to see richard next week, and that's wonderful. it will be great to see christopher, too. and maybe aaron. and what about this guy phil? i dunno. he spun my head around when i talked to him. was i just lonely, or hungry to talk to someone about all my emotions? yes, that's true, but why did i let it out to him? i tell so few people about this. he and josh are one in a million that i spilled my guts out to the first night i met them. i didn't even sleep with phil and i fell apart in front of him, almost crying on bourbon street while telling my story of driving away from home the first time after college, happy to go off to freedom, to leave everything behind. yes, that story is full of all of me, but i've never choked up telling it before. why did phil get to me? why do i remember him as so beautiful when he's just some random good-looking guy? why did i cling to him imeediately, took him in as someone i wanted to touch and massage? was it just his hair? was it his face, his eyes? i'm so amazed. i would probably dump michael in a second if phil were around and willing. why? why would i let go of something i previously held in high esteem. michael is so much. well, but he lacks one thing, an emotional connection to me. what could be more important? phil could be anyone, look like anyone, and i would fall for him, just like i fell for josh, obliviously. do i try to figure things out with phil? seems to me i do my best to create an emotional connection between michael and i. why wasn't five monhts enough? were we both holding off? does michael's nature frighten me? if i push myself to open, will it work, will he respond, will i continue to open, or will i close up, still scared and unwilling? i don't want to give up on michael, he's too wonderful. but i must have that emotional connection, can't think of living without it like i am now. i hate it. and yet, the little i know about phil is eating it's way between me and michael. phil's down to earth-ness that michael so desperately needs a taste of lingers in my arms like a smell that i want to renew. michael's cologne doesn't have any of that. i should call rollins about this. he would understand some of it i think. but of course, i wish he were in the same area code as well. where is everyone? how do i find them?
8:57 PM
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