words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, September 23, 2002
September 06, 2002 - 14:57
the two boys got convicted. i wouldn't have cared, had it not been for the conversation around here at work. i guess they both had an older friend, and sexual relations between them. i dont' know much about it. maybe i should learn more before i say something, but most of my thoughts have to do with what my co-workers said. i know i have to hide things around here. i know that when T.J. asked me if i had a girlfriend, i had to say no and not offer up the full truth, that i have a boyfriend. that always hurts, but to hear these guys talk about the sexual relationship is unusually difficult. not that i agree with the situation of 12 or 13 year old boys having sex with a 30 year old. but i do understand that need for love. i don't know what that boys' father was like. i know there were times when i would have been happy to have hurt my dad, although i was mentally incapable of doing that. i know there were times i would have loved to have had an older friend to love me and take care of me, whether sexually or not. i guess that's an odd statement, especially with the furor of all the priests who slept with young boys. i know i would still tell a man to never have sex with a young boy. but let's say a man did befriend me when i was 12. let's say he was strong enough to not give into his sexual temptation for me, even though i was an incredibly physcially mature 12 year old. oh my goodness, i wish i had had that. someone older to just love me, to hold on to me, to treat me well, to be nice to me, to escape to when i was scared, confused, and unwilling to admit any of myself to my parents. yes, in a hundred ways i wish i would have had that. i don't think i even would have regretted having sexual relations with him. i probably would have felt hugely guilty and estranged. it was probably better for me to have waited. but think, i was so strong in high school. what if i could have handled it, like i handled so much else? what if i could have stood up to my dad, mocked his lies, quit football, enjoyed the fall instead of fearing those months?
so i have some pity for the boys. not becuase they killed their father, but because their love for this family friend speaks so many things about the love most likely absent from their father. that hurts. i don't know what caused them to flip and kill their father. i don't know how any man can kill another man, but the job i work in promotes it.
can i hold on for eight more months?
8:54 PM
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