words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, October 18, 2002
Let me just sleep, sleep away these fears, sleep away these times, until a better time arrives. Or can that happen? Are we as humans doomed by our own mistakes to live in difficult times? Seems so. The speech my colonel gave to us today furthered my resolve to take what little action I can to prevent my involvement with the nasty future of war. I dread the role I'm taking, dread having to stand up for myself, to claim what I think is right, but what so few people will back me on. I know I will have to lean on people I have not tested yet, people who I have stayed away from for one reason or another. I know that I will have to lean on myself, gather courage from a place that has not been much exercised. I don't want to sip from this cup, but unless I want blood on my hands, unless I want to avoid what I know is right, I have to take that sip, willingly. Nobody will ever coerce me into doing right. But I would rather sleep, rather give up on this, have no desire to stand up in front of people. The thought tempts me and scares me at the same time. I think I have waited long enough.
I've been haunted lately, attacked by faint memories, sinister feelings of deja-vu, of past uncomfortable dreams that make me sick in my head and stomach. Haunted by these images, as if they connect me to a world I don't understand. Where is this world; why does it haunt me? How do the vague triggers of these episodes relate to the actual problem? I wanted to blame these on my fears around the world, wanted to say that since I had made up my mind to do something, they would go away. They did, for a time. Have I waited too long, have I sat on this decision trying to cover all of it's ground, see every angle lest I act rashly? Or is this a haunting I can't understand, a feeling that has no connection to me or my stresses? Is it merely a symptom of my stress, my emotions creating an outlet because I have not opened one up myself? Maybe all of these is the answer, that I should attend to my emotions like I never have before, that I should finish my deliberation and get to what I must do, that I should open myself up to let go what I am holding so tightly. I know I can't handle this if it continues; the panic will break me down. But somehow I have hope that I will take the necessary steps, that I will feel my way through this situation. I can feel the hope growing, even though it makes no sense and seems a mockery of the tragic events around the world. But no, instead of a mockery, it's the only way to overcome the tragedies of the world. Just like revenge only creates more revenge, hope creates more hope, and if I can muster hope in myself, then maybe I can inspire it in others. And if I have trouble with my own hope, look to other sources who can inspire me, those from the past or the present, or maybe even the future. Gil Scott-Heron sang to his daughter how much he loved her and how she kept him hoping "good things for tomorrow." His love for her created that hope. So who do I love? Who's future is worth this hope, that I have to take steps to ensure its brightness? Faith, hope, love, but the greatest of these is love.
7:33 PM
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