words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Seems like I dreamed on the way to work today, with the wind blowing through the car, Morcheeba's first album playing, passing all the fields. So many heavy subjects, so much everywhere, so few of us doing anything substantial. Last night I read for an hour or more, something I haven't done for a long time, lost in the book, remembering how books used to be my best friends and understanding why. They never asked for anything but the time it took to read them. They were their own world where I just stood by, watching. I would like to do that again, not spend my time cooking, driving, cleaning, planning, or any of these adult realities, just stuck in nothing. I know that the blessings of adulthood are the freedoms we have, to go where we want, to cultivate friends, to decide much of our own lives. But of course, we also gain responsibility for taking care of ourselves. In some ways, taking care of ourselves is enough; many people hardly get that far. But when you have taken care of yourself, met the needs of shelter, food, and money, you have to step out of yourself and try to benefit those around you. I know I'm doing almost none of that right now, focused on my own needs and my own priorities of restructuring my life.
After college, I recognized a need to just take care of myself, to enjoy life instead of suffer through it as I did during my four years at the Air Force Academy. I felt comfortable being selfish, living alone and away from people. I kept telling myself that time would have to end, but I haven't been able to give it up yet. Since September 11th of last year, though, I have not been able to enjoy it like I used to, when I reveled in my life. Fine, better to have an event that knocks me out of my habitat than to continue going nowhere. It's been a year now, and I haven't changed much. Seeds are growing, and I'm about to take a very important step. I need to take many more steps, to realize that I can no longer act alone in the world, that I avoid people to the point that I have become greedy in my affection and my time. Maybe I can change.
6:46 PM
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