words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, October 28, 2002
Until 22, I was all mind, studying, reading, focusing on my brain alone. When I turned 22 and came out, I was all body, loving both my own and those around me, trying to forget that I had been all mind. Now I'm working on my soul, the part of me I might have once denied having. A friendly blogger said he thought guys who don't cry have no soul. I only remember crying once before 22, and I had forced myself to cry over some guy I knew I would never see again. That wasn't soul, that was selfish. So I guess I can't expect my soul to open to me, much less anyone else, after only a year of looking for it. My brain might understand what I need to do, but the rest of me takes a while to catch up. I've never much liked the word soul but I have no other word to describe the part of me that exists on a separate plane from my body, whether inside it or outside of it, I don't yet know. I could call it spirit, but if I did that, then I've been trying to nurture that since I was five, focused on being a good Christian since I can remember. And as much as I remember that effort being good for me, I never understood what I was doing and how to involve more of myself into my understanding. How can you understand God when you don't understand yourself? The Quakers say there is a part of God in all of us, but you have to listen to yourself first. Emotions? No wonder I've never had many of them. They don't come from your brain or your body. But all this is ok, and I have no use for looking back in regret, just to analyze what I did so that I can do better. There's a part of me growing that wants to recognize the metaphysical world, that wants to listen to what I have never heard. I've become very familiar with tears. I don't fear them any more, and don't encourage them. They remind me that I am alive, and that I can feel, no matter what my brain and my body may tell me.
7:55 PM
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