words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, November 01, 2002
"He'd prided himself on how undiscovered he was, how secret, how remote. What a fool he'd been." Clive Barker wrote that, although it could have been from anybody. We all know that nobody can teach us anything new, thanks to Michael Cretu's Enigma. But somehow we relearn the same things, or run into the same walls until we climb over them. I ran through a word association test last night and found that I have trouble with walls. and sadness. yes, both words make me pause, and therefore, the test said I have trouble with them. Is that true - if I pause to think about something, that means I have trouble with it? It it doesn't make me pause, it is worthwhile? I've hidden all this stuff for years, definitely felt pride in how little people knew me. Yes, fool. Proverbs says all these things about fools, but when does it talk about love and giving and sharing of yourself? I guess they saved that for the New Testament, for the new society Jesus tried to move us into. What a fool we thought he was, most of us still do. I can't take an honest look at what he said and did without thinking how foolish it seems, how provocative his intentions still are, how amazingly different and unfoolish it must be. How I've always longed for people to know me though. Bryan Duncan used to sing, "you carry your heart in a box / with all of your dreams / still hoping that somebody knocks / to share your extremes. / Someone could enter your life just with a smile; / someone could carry your heart / all of the while." yes, yes. I've always known that was true and have always been waiting for someone to knock. But why leave that responsibility to someone else, as if I am nothing but a victim, a lazy loner? Isn't it my responsibility to reveal myself, to be courageous and say, this is me, come take a look, whether you like it or not, this is me. If I am completely honest all the time, then I have nothing to hide, right? Oh, but I've always loved hiding, used to dream about hidden rooms in the attic, places I could go to escape, always wanting someone to stumble onto them and suddenly love me for all of my strangeness, for all the parts that I hide too carefully. But I've become practiced in my hiding, and I've become so good, that I know people can't read through me well. I can't even read through me. all my trouble with walls and sadness. haven't I said this before? haven't I said this before?
7:05 PM
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