words, words, words
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Thursday, November 21, 2002
I can't answer all these questions, all the questions that might come up in my future interview to determine if I am serious about conscientious objection. I cannot prove to the Air Force that I am right, nor do I think I have to. But there are a lot of questions, there are a lot of fears that I have, about what they might ask me, about how I might have to justify myself to them, because I am at their mercy. How can anyone make up their minds in this matter, completely? How can you know all there is about it, so that you erase your confusion? I have never been able to erase my confusion, have instead had to learn how to live with it, how to use it to my advantage, to say, look, I cannot be of one mind about this, cannot present myself as if I agree with everything that I have ever done or ever will. If that's crazy or insincere, than I am, because I don't know how else to be. I am taking a risk that this is the right thing to do and hoping I can survive any attack on it. I could and will think about death and war for the rest of my life, but i don't have any hope that I will actually solve even the fight that's in myself. I'm relying on trust right now, trust in the voice inside of me that says do this, do this, and I will take care of you. I have nothing stronger in my gut than that, although it feels a stronger compulsion than any I've ever come up with in my head. So I am doing it, rather blindly, hoping to have strength and answers when I need them, hoping that somehow I will manage beyond where I am now. No, not blindly, don't think I haven't thought about this for the past year, all the time, during the drive to work, lying in bed, sitting at my computer, running, running, running. I am not blind, but certainly without good vision. I would never trust myself anyway, not to make a decision this big. If it were just my head making this decision, I would have said no, I don't believe you. I can last through whatever the Air Force gives me because I don't trust my head, not the troubled thing that can't even decide what to make for dinner tomorrow or whether to get a cable modem over the dial-up I have now. I used to think I was so cerebral, so rational. No, I can't be that anymore, not when I feel these things through my stomach, extending through my body with an energy I can never match. No, I've taken this step not because I think I can reason it out against the world's best thinkers, but because I know beyond any doubt that this is what I have to do. So this is what I'm doing.
7:17 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
