words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Saturday, November 09, 2002
I'm going to do this, i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this. Yes, I have mentioned it before, and have tried to motivate myself to do it before, but now I am actually going to do it. Tuesday, I am handing my commander a statement of conscientious objection, asking for removal from my position. I don't want to be in the military at all, but that will expression will come a bit later - I plan on writing a longer statement about the whys and wherefores, not just the wham, here's my new thing. I can't fathom yet the implications this will have on my life. I know this means I may have to start looking for a job soon, something I've never done. I know this means I need to decide where I will move to since I don't consider St Louis to be a permanent home. But I also know that this is going to severely impact the interactions i have with people i work with here, and some of my friends as well. Most of my friends have been supportive, but just like when I was coming out, I told the easiest ones first. Soon, all these guys I've worked with for the past year and a half will know. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't consider any of them friends, but who wants to make enemies? Maybe I'll be hovering closer to the Quaker meeting in the next couple of months, knowing I already have their support and friendship. Maybe I will have long, difficult conversations with many people I know, forcing me to express myself in ways I never have.
Where's my strength at? Some of my thoughts right now, I don't even trust to put out here. But then, I don't know hardly any people who do actually read this site, so why not? It's fashionable to talk about the universe instead of God, but I've never felt that made sense. I don't think it matters--God is the universe in many ways, but I just don't feel like I can talk to the universe. Although I have certainly heard stuff, and know that my strength comes from what I have heard, or felt, or suddenly began to know, a more powerful realization than an epiphany because it didn't come from myself but from outside. And whether that's the universe talking to me or God talking to me doesn't matter. Since I was young, I equated God with love, and I am very comfortable with the idea that love has said these things to me, and that I am claiming conscientious objection out of love, not selfish love that only claims those closest, but love for all. When I say God, I mean love. My strength lies there, that this love will always exist and always stay inside me, and I will always try to follow its direction.
2:24 AM
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