words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Yes, I've taken Meyers-Briggs tests before, but I had always forgotten how they explained me. I took it again, and I'm grateful for their explanation. Funny, instead of feeling special for being an INFP, only 1% of the population, I feel wrong for being different. What times in my life have I not felt wrong for being different? As a kid, I read instead of playing sports. As a teenager, I hated the sport I played, football, wishing that I could somehow like it. I never liked girls and couldn't explain to myself why. In college, I was just bizarre compared to the rest of the USAFA clones, my music, my words, my sense of being. I almost sort of fit in when I found the gay crowd after college, but even then, I had strange habits. By that time, I had begun to count myself as good for being different though. Most of my life, I have wavered back and forth between being proud of my differences or seeking to hide them. I hid so much from my parents, I got to be an expert early on. And now, have I learned much? hide the fact that you dont' fit in with the military, hide the fact that you're interested in this or that, dont' let even your friends know about your family, etc. so many things I wouldn't tell people about because I felt so incredibly different. I suppose most of us have that problem to an extent, but I'm glad to have someone (yes, you know who you are) finally point out the fact that I have long not loved myself enough because I'm so different, trying to mediate myself to the norm while still hoping to stand out.
iNFp is what they made me out to be, a healer idealist. "Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the iNFps. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK." I never had a more solid brother, but I only fit my parents mold when I forced myself into it and pretended I liked it.
"Then, when iNFps believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the iNFp, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public"
Yes, yes, and yes to this. I remember how I used to chastise myself for masturbation in high school. I would force myself to do all sorts of mental tasks for punishment, would think that every ill in my life was deserved because of what I was doing. Even now, I know well how to punish myself, and I can't tell you how often that means I eat a very boring plate of food, keeping one chocolate bar in my cupboard for months because I'm ashamed to actually eat it.
wow, self-realization. Can I take some of this, factor it into my life, change and grow?
1:01 PM
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