words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, January 14, 2003
i'm thinking back lately, telling myself stories i didn't know mattered, stories that hold such relevancy, i can't believe i forgot them over time. stories about things i decided, stories about happiness and stories about my first best friend. like the story when i decided at what, 12? that i would no longer try to have friends, that because Crystal rejected me, I was going to like being alone and would never ask anyone for their friendship, would never burden others with myself. yes, so i avoided company and hardly spoke, figuring that nobody really wanted to hear me anyway. i remember telling myself to learn to like being alone, to revel that i would not have to lean on others, that i wasn't weak like those people i saw hanging on one another always in groups.
stories about how much i hurt myself, mostly. and wasn't i cruel? it worked. i didn't have friends for years. i didn't have a close friend for five years, and even then, i didn't trust him much or have him for very long.
then there's the story of how happy i was my last semester in high school, how perfect life was, how i finally grew comfortable with myself and though that i was adequate. that's the only time in my life when i've truly felt that. It ended abruptly when I showed up for basic training. how do i convince myself of that again? i know that i am already working on that, that following my beliefs is a part of believing in myself. but it might take a while before i really think i'm good enough.
these are stories i have known for years. i wish i had paid attention earlier.
7:28 AM
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