words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, January 02, 2003
The investigating officer gave me a copy of my CO report today. This includes the application I submitted, the reports from both the chaplain and the psychologist, supporting documents from the Quakers, summaries of the witnesses statements, and the recommendation from the investigating officer, based on his analysis. I read through what I had not seen while still in the legal office, before heading for a run in the snow. Here are some of the words I read (removing my rank and last name):
from the chaplain: "It is my opinion that [stephen] is sincere in his convictions and solidly grounded in his beliefs."
from the psychologist: He has had "some mild, sub-clinical depression secondary to tension between his beliefs as a pacifist and his participation in the military."
from my friend from the Quaker meeting: "I had no concerns about the sincerity or depths of his convictions . . . I do not believe [stephen] ever does anything shallow."
from my former boss: "If I were charged with writing [stephen's] performance evaluation, I would rate his performance 'excellent.' "
from the investigating officer: "there is no evidence that [stephen's] mild depression was the result of anything other than his sincerely held beliefs that directly conflicted with his military duties . . . my investigation uncovered no possible motive for [stephen] to falsely claim [he] is a conscientious objector . . . I find that [stephen] has established by clear and convincing evidence that he opposes war in any form or the bearing of arms, that his belief is by virtue of religious trainig or other belief system akin to religion, that the belief is honest, sincere, and deeply held, and that by nature or basis of his claim falls under the definition of conscientious objections described in [AF regulation]. Therefore, I recommend that he be classified as a conscientious objector and discharged from the United States Air Force."
I took a walk after reading that to consider this, to clear my head from the tears that wanted to come out. It's never good to cry in uniform. Yes, tears, because this is the best report I can possibly imagine. I still have to wait for everyone to read it sign off on it, etc, which will take a few months, but I could not ask for better than this. To have others say that the depression I worked through stemmed from all of this feels like the usually indifferent world giving me a hug and saying, of course you had trouble with this, it's ok, we believe you. We believe you.
The magazine DoubleTake includes a poem from a Seamus Heaney play, The Cure at Troy at the beginning of each issue. I have hoped for a great sea-change, and I have begun it in myself. Maybe, maybe, I can help push it along with those already pushing the tide.
12:25 PM
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