words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, February 28, 2003
Every few weeks, I have to re-examine why I am doing this, why I have chosen to conscientiously object from the air force. This is partly because we live in a world that values highly the military we have, with our memorials, our odes to war, our basis of freedom resting on the force behind it, the blood of other countries' people, the blood of our people. This is also partly because I hardly believe myself sometimes; I grew up thinking war was necessary; I joined the air force in hopes of serving my country. I have no doubt that this is the most difficult decision I have ever made, and possibly will ever make. Since I make that decision every day, I have to remind myself often of my actual belief in it, that it is not something I am idly following. It also helps me to support myself, in the face of an active antagonism from my family. It is good to remind myself of all the people who have supported me, both from bloggers I know, good friends of mine, and random people who have stopped me in St Louis who saw me on tv and wanted to support me.
Salon.com's article on a c.o. in Israel reminded me of what a lot of people told me to do instead of claiming c.o. Just wait till you get out, tell them you're gay, or, as my lawyer first offered, get a psychiatrist to deem you as mentally unfit.
"Ben-Artzi was also offered the opportunity to see a military psychologist who could declare him mentally unfit, but again he refused. "I'm not mentally ill," his sister quotes him as saying. 'I'm a pacifist. That's not a mental illness. Don't tell me to go to a psychologist who will sign a letter so it will give you a way out so you don't have to deal with me.'"
Since I joined the Air Force, I have struggled with myself between working hard or simply avoiding work. my natural state has always been to sign up for work, to do extra things. somehow, I learned other habits, trying to get out of everything I could. It's gotten worse and worse, and I've grown progressively unhappy with myself over this attitude. I'm realizing how much damage this did to me and how much I still yearn to exercise myself, my brain, my abilities, my talents.
Ben-Artzi also said this, "'Whatever organization I'm going to join, I'll try to do the maximum in that organization, not the minimum. I am a pacifist. I don't want to join this organization. It does not act in my name. It's morally weak for me to be in the organization and yet to avoid doing what others are doing.'"
If only I had understood this about myself nine years ago. I can't waste time on that emotion though. I have to start here, where I am. and keep working on saving my soul.
9:15 AM
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