words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
I have a feeling Bush will get what he wants in the Security Council. I don't want that to happen of course, but it's time I accept the possibility and stop losing sleep over it. I feel like I did when Bush first sort of won in 2000, sick with dread for the future. I've done what I can though, and it serves me no benefit to worry and strain my stomach over it. I can feel it all through me, the distress of the future, the anger at what's going on around me, at politicians, at local people who support the war. It hurts me, but only because I let it. How do I let go of this angst, of this desire to control the world? I don't want to step back into ignoring, but I have to resolve that I will not let my anxiety overrun me.
But how, i keep asking myself? I admit that my arms are not big enough to hold the whole world; I admit that my judgment is not enough to run it alone. And it is sad that I have more anger at Bush than I do at Hussein. As much as I think Bush is doing the wrong thing, there's no doubt that the bigger villain is Hussein. I don't know what Bush is up to; I suspect he has myriad reasons for doing this, some of them legitimate, some of them illicit. I know, however, that Hussein has nothing legitimate about him. Ah, that feels better. I can feel some peace after that statement. My own peace, that's what I'm working for. I've already stepped out and proclaimed that I want peace for the world, but I have no way to control that. I do have control over the peace in myself. If I work in love towards everyone, will that quiet my stomach? Can I love someone like Bush, who seems to stand against everything that I stand for? Yes, there must be something inside him that I can respond to, there must be a bit of commonality between us that I'm just not seeing, that I'm not even looking for. Just like there is with the people here at work, those others who wear the uniform like mine. They're not horrible people. some of them are for this war, some are more ambivalent and choose to let their politicians direct their lives. Was I not the same once? I can talk with Peter about all sorts of things, and enjoy his company, even if he does want to go attack Iraq.
I wrote a bad story in my creative writing class in college. I had developed the girl with all sorts of inner difficulties, all sorts of internal thought and confusion. I had left the guy as an uncaring whelp. My teacher looked at me and said, it's easy to create one-sided villains, isn't it? Real people are never that way. That's what I'm trying not to do, to create one-sided villains in my life. They all have confusion and dilemma and internal struggle. they may hate themselves, just like sometimes I hate myself. They may choose not to think about any of it; they may never even have been confronted with another way. Isn't that compassion, the attempt to create a co-feeling with someone, truly understanding who they are? and isn't that the way to love?
So let go. Take the universe all in your hands and then release it, aware and accepting that it is not yours to control. Do what you can to affect it, to guide your life, to help others in theirs, but let the universe surround you, and not fester inside of you.
8:54 AM
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