words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, March 27, 2003
Do you know what it's like to do something so unusual, so radical, that you yourself call it into question every day, as if, what am i doing here, and why am i doing this? am i right? am i crazy? are they all crazy? why do i see things they don't, or do they see things i don't? yes, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. most of you have come out as gay at some time. maybe it was easier on you than it was for many of us, but i'm coming out all over again. and it hurts. it hurts like i don't know how because I want to be so angry at the world around me for doing this, for not agreeing with me, for stigmatizing me and the rest of us who feel that war is always evil and always unnecessary. i forget how it hurts sometimes, push it aside when people talk to me about it, pretend it doesn't hurt so bad. like that tattoo i have, did it hurt? no, not really, just felt like someone pressing a sharp knife into my skin and scraping it along the bone into the pattern i now permanently have. yes it hurt, and i'm having another pattern etched onto my bones right now, except this one isn't taking only ten minutes, this one has taken almost two years, and every day i am reminded of the pain of that knife digging into me, the knife i asked for, am paying for with my job, my livelihood, my family.
no, i don't want you to feel my pain. i want you to feel light and happy, hoping that i am doing something so maybe you don't have to. it doesn't work that way most of the time.
i don't know what the ends are to my actions. i know what i am doing is right and the only times i am unsure is when i am too cowardly to face the truth. usually, i am too strong for that, and i trust myself enough to know that i would never do something this drastic without the full assurance that this has to be done. but don't let me fool you. it hurts.
6:43 PM
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