words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, March 04, 2003
I am still having much trouble with letting go of all the problems in the world. I still get so upset I stop breathing, and cramp my stomach. There are innummerable problems to worry about, of course the battle over Iraq, the perpetual conflict against the police focused right now on San Francisco where it looks like much of the top command might have resigned, the growth of the gap between the wealthy and the poor, more stories about priests abusing young boys, all these I read about today. I want to control them, to insist that I would do better if I were in charge. I make them all enemies in my head, adding almost everyone at one particular time. But we're all human, all make grave mistakes that cause other problems. Some of us are undeniably greedy, some of us are completely unconcerned.
I used to be unconcerned too. I didn't know what to do with all the information the news carried, so I didn't bother paying attention. Now that I do, I still don't know what to do with it, but I'm concerned, worried, suspicious, nervous, and frightened. Where is the hope I once had? What did I base my hope on - did it move away, or did I move away from it? Do I hope in basic human goodness that can turn the tide, or do I have to resign myself to hope for small victories like cooking a good meal, increasing my physical fitness?
Hope seems to be the only hope we have in this terrible world. I have to find it again, to grab onto it and never let go as it always seems just out of reach, a little higher than I can jump.
I'm just sick of believing in lies. I've believed in them my whole life, the lies from my parents about football, college, the future; the lies from society about love, justice, and capitalism; the lies I told myself about the ills of masturbation, the necessity to not trust anyone, the importance of keeping to myself, hiding my emotions.
So I don't want hope to be another lie; I want to believe it's there. Maybe if I believe in hope, then hope exists, only because of my very belief. Am I that powerful? Can I create my own hope? Hope in god, hope in people, hope in friends, hope for the future. Can I do anything else? the lack of hope lately has left me physically sick, searching for answers but not expecting them, longing for someone to help me when I first have to believe in help, and therefore help myself. the lack of hope is despair, right? With despair comes death, but with hope comes life.
2:03 PM
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