words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, April 17, 2003
Can i describe my emotions? Yesterday was excitement and relief. Today is disbelief and a bit of concern over my future unemployment. tomorrow is good friday. I've been thinking a lot about when i started the CO process, the terrible television interview, the panic of how the air force might react to me going public, the panic of standing up in front of large amounts of people. Haven't I always been a quiet person? and yet, look at me now, speaking here and there, willing to stand out in a crowd, working with an Amnesty Int'l group this weekend and planning a radio interview with a friend of mine who co-hosts a gay themed show. I still don't speak up when I should - the sandwich artist at Subway could hardly hear what I ordered. I thought it was plenty loud, but to him, it was probably only low murmuring. So is it simply the cause that has changed me, motivated me to push myself to be louder? yes, but then, I've known this was coming for a long time. I've long been in front of people, from the times I was on television because of my grandfather's role in ministry, when I went on a missions trip and spoke in front of churches at ten, when I was elected by the ten valedictorians in my class to speak at the graduation ceremonies, when I was a flight commander at my last job in sacramento. i never fully embraced it, but people have been comparing me to my grandfather for a long time. almost six months after i was the nightly news top story the day before veteran's day, I'm a different person. The past month of leave, staying home and reading, studying, thinking, and writing have improved my understanding peace, as a movement, and as a personal way of life. I'm changing so fast, i can't keep up with myself. no wonder my mother doesn't know how to approach me. when my first love read this blog recently, he remarked at the past month of entries, how dramatically I had changed from when we dated. that wasn't even two years ago. he always said though, I can't wait to see who you become. oh, but who am i becoming? i almost feel as if i am watching, too. standing on the sidelines, hardly able to evaluate each move before the next one comes.
No, I can't describe my emotions, can't calculate what this means to me, will be adding things up for years to come. how did nine years in this institution change me? and this last year and a half, full of even more internal torment? Guided By Voices sang, "I am a scientist, I seek to understand me."
2:22 PM
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