words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, May 05, 2003
Madonna has a new album. we haven’t heard much of this side of her; in fact, i think she actually wrote the songs herself. I say that because the songs are mostly unpolished and unprofessional, which can be an excellent way to write an album. unfortunately, she is a 40 some year old woman and i admit to feeling sorry for her if she is this confused about her life. but what right do i have to pity another person's emotional state when mine has so recently changed? so instead, i'm listening to what she's saying and ignoring most of the beat behind it; not the usual way to listen to a madonna album. in that way, it's impressive, not because she speaks about deep subjects well but that she is trying to dig so deeply inside of her. good for her that she's trying to do this, and i hope she learns a lot from this massive self-reflection. at this point, she doesn't need any more money, so she ought to do whatever she wants. i think she's actually learned that she should have done that in the first place because the money has not satisfied her. if i could write her, i would thank her for her honesty and her humanity, for descending from the clouds of celebrity and taking back her human, messy form. i would offer her the hope i've found, in people, in silence, in community, and in herself.
she doesn't need fans anymore, she needs friends. i feel the same way about myself. i lived for a long time collecting fans at gay clubs, showing off my body and my smile, even my intellect at times, pulling people on this string of worship. that's a horrible way of putting it because i wasnt' completely conscious of what i was doing, but that is essentially what i did. madonna has done the same. only more successfully. it's gratifying for a while, but awfully lonely. I kept trying to meet friends, but all I got were fans, people who adored me on a pedestal instead of caring for me as a friend. I didn't want their adoration, at least not for very long. but i seemed so high above them that they couldn't do anything but that. katherine hepburn understood this predicament, in The Philadelphia Story, and vehemently derided her adorers. but it's hard to find much else in a bar, and unsatisfied, i took the adoration in place of friendship, hoping it would help some. so i acted in ways that induced the adoration bit, that enlarged my fanbase. i don't miss it, and yet, i do. it's like bad chocolate. it still tastes good, even though you know it's not what you really want.
so i've managed to turn a critique of an album into a critique of my own life, which doesn't surprise me. one way of understanding people is to compare their experiences with yourself. and i know i reflect on my own life to the point that i forget to pay attention to other people. but i'm learning that, too. and so i hope that people who read this who have passed this bridge long ago don't chide me for how immature i am, as i am trying not to do to madonna. i wish her understanding and hope, as i would for anyone traveling this road.
9:49 PM
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