words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, June 10, 2003
I mentioned earlier that I had found a link to my uncle, who was gay and who killed himself when i was young. I found the book today, written by Rev Troy Perry, the founder of the MCC, with letters written between the two of them. there were words from my uncle telling me he was gay, telling me that he loved his children, my cousins, but was afraid his soon to be ex-wife was going to take them away from him, telling me about my grandparents and how difficult it had been with them, reminding me of the stories my mother told me about how they abused him, because he wouldn't do what they wanted and because he was gay. but i want more. i want so much more. i want him to be alive so i can run to him when i'm scared of my family, so that he can help me talk to my mother and help her to understand this, all the pain that she's caused me. i want to talk to him, the only out gay person in my family, on either side. i want to know how much I am like him, to hear his stories, to understand why he killed himself, to help my mother understand that it wasn't because he tried to be gay but for so many other reasons, so she won't be waiting for me to die, too, because i'm gay. i just want his help, want someone to say, I know, I understand; I know the pressures of growing up in this family and how much fear is inside of you. it hurts to know how he must have felt, so lost and alone then, having lost his first sister only a few years before, the only one who probably accepted him. even my own mother saw the pain he went through from his parents but couldn't stop it, and apparently, can't bring herself to forgive him for abandoning her. how did it feel, mother? when you found out he had left you, alone, to face your horrible brother and your parents? why are you punishing me for that pain you felt? can I help you to understand him better, and thus to understand me? how can we heal the wounds we both have? it hurts inside me, and i know it must hurt inside you, even after these twenty years. all this pain we go through. can we help each other?
11:45 PM
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