words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, September 22, 2003
one year ago today. one year ago tomorrow. how do you measure a year, i've heard asked before. last year, today, i felt compelled to conscientiously object to the air force and leave, before my time was up. it wasn't a decision I wanted to make; i had dragged my feet for eight months. it wasn't a path i wanted to take. i would have let someone else do it, had it been possible. but that's why i use the word compelled, compelled by that something inside me, that i listen to during a Quaker meeting, try to understand and try to make more a part of me, that still, small voice. one year ago tomorrow, i made my first entry into this weblog. although i had been keeping another form of an online diary, nobody was able to read it, so i copied the pages to this new space. but the first entry, is there at the bottom of that first page, about the decision i had made the day before, still shocked at what i was about to do.
what has this year been to me? the most immense inner trouble i have seen, and yet the most rewarding year as well. i had few friends the beginning of that year, some had drifted away, some were too far away to help, and some simply were not available. but i found new ones, and leaned on them in ways i never thought possible, crying while they held me, not able to stand up on my own anymore. i found a voice i never realized i had; i found strength and confidence i always wanted to have. i found reason, to stand up, to change my life, to face something else. i am someone different today, reborn as it were, once more, and am still remaking myself from who i was into who i will be. one year ago.
and this weblog, full of the words i used to describe my situation. although, i have been writing for years in my notebooks and still have plenty of ink there, i was able to use this page for others to see what was going on inside, again, my first time to allow others to see who i am. i am less afraid now, less afraid of someone peering into me, all these things i have left open. i don't know how you see me, because of all the sight you now have, but that doesn't so much matter. i am grateful for the sight this page has given me as well.
i measure my year in the words i spoke and wrote, the people who have loved me, the growth between then and now.
11:11 AM
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