words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Saturday, November 29, 2003
Snow flurried down yesterday, a good marker for the first day of the Christmas season. Trees are hanging onto their dead leaves while the wind tries to knock them off. I have trouble remembering summer now, as if my memories are tied by temperature; i can only remember when last it was cold. This is my first free winter, i keep thinking, though, what do I mean by free? I know it means I can do crazy things like grow my hair out and paint my nails, but it doesn't mean i can do anything i want. it's almost a responsibility, a demand that I do exciting, creative things, and don't just waste it sitting alone at home. and i have been, with my painting and writing, and creating costumes, i feel more fun than i have since high school.
The snow didn't stick, didn't even make a mark on us. I don't need it like I used to, when i would sit in colorado staring at the falling snow watching it cover my wounds, for ten, twenty minutes, just staring into it, allowing myself to drift away into that beautiful whiteness. the snow healed, and i needed so much healing. Now it's winter again, and I am excited for the snow, what little will come here, though I don't need it. i'm no longer just a shirt underneath the heavy iron of a military life. I can keep my wrinkles if i choose, decorate them, love them as a part of me. Still, winter always helps.
11:36 AM
Monday, November 24, 2003
hip hop is the new folk music. the genius about folk music is that the best music comes from people sitting around you. the music is simple, easy, and can be sung by anyone. it's a people-friendly music, homegrown, everywhere music. the more i listen to hip hop music, on cds and the radio, i notice it's the same idea. people sing it as their own, the disc jockeys rap their intros, they affect a voice, a persona that can hold their own against the stars. hip hop is for anyone who wants to try it. movies have even portrayed it, people rapping back at each other in competitions, spitting as it were, involving themselves in the music because it means something to them, and they want to make it themselves. I love the energy of it, the excitement that we're all part of hip hop, if we choose to be.
of course, i look at myself and feel i'm so far from being a part of hip hop that it's laughable. and yet, i love it, respect it for more than what it seems. just like any genre, you have to really search to find the good stuff, but it's definitely out there, people like the Roots, Q-Tip, Blackalicious, Cody ChestnuTT. and also like folk music, the artists draw on the past, they assimilate old songs into their own, making the ideas new again, pressing against social issues, acknowleding their forefathers. i can't wait to see what ten more years will bring.
1:39 PM
Some friends of mine were caught in this Miami protest. Major news hasn't seemed to bother with it, so this is a link to the Taipei Times. Thank goodness for the internet, or we'd never hear about police riots, even if they happen in our own country. Here and here are two firsthand accounts of the riots. I don't know how much to trust anyone - the demonstrators all seem to report that they were no danger to anyone, although one firsthand account does admit that there were some people looking for a confrontation with the police. I know the few protests I've been in on, the police acted like we were all the enemy. They actively corralled and prodded us, honking and grimacing. nothing illegal, but the police obviously did not enjoy our free speech.
For these and other reasons, I have an extremely bad opinion of most policemen. Their arrogance doesn't help the perception. You shouldn't have to go to a protest thinking that you might well got shot with rubber bullets or sprayed with pepper, no matter what you do, even if you obey the police. Somehow I think when the police show up in riot gear, with guns pointed at protestors, the police want to use their power, whether or not it's necessary. i saw the same problem in the air force, that because we had the power to destroy countries, people wanted us to use it. it's just too easy. Most who aren't a part of protesting thinks its the protestors fault - well, if you didn't go irking off the policemen, you wouldn't have been in this situation. I'd rather stand up for my right to protest than for the right of policemen to bully.
11:43 AM
Saturday, November 22, 2003
I alluded to another project going on in my life earlier, and it's starting this week. I'm awfully excited to be doing some posting for Queerday.com. They should write up a short bio introducing me soon. Queerday has been my favorite gay and lesbian news website for about a year now, since I found out about it. it's wonderful to be a part of it. read up!
8:48 AM
Friday, November 21, 2003
We must help people see the truth to the gay marriage fight, that it's about civil rights, and nothing else. Interestingly, Newsday makes the perfect comparison, saying, "But there's another civil rights analogy that the court's 180-day deferral invokes, whether or not the justices realized or intended it. Look at a calendar, and count off 180 days from Nov. 18: the first same-sex marriage licenses in American history can be issued on May 17, 2004 - the 50th anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education. That's quite an appropriate coincidence, isn't it?"
We all know that separate is not equal, that creating something like civil unions will never work. Our own American history proves that.
Slate gives a decent overview of why conservative religious people are opposed to gay marriage or homosexuality in general. I can only argue for Christianity, since that is what I know. The Old Testament often discusses a state of being cut off, of people not able to bear children, of the nation of Israel even, being cut off from its progeny, its reward or future. The state of being cut off was dirty, like eating pork, the Israelites cast out those who were cut off, as if they were a plague that might infect them. Homosexuals are part of that group of being cut off because we do not reproduce but simply die when our time ends. But there are many prophecies about the barren, about the time when those who could not bear, would be given a legacy anyway. Christ fulfilled those prophecies when he, cut off himself having never married, gave up his own life to create a way to reach God. All of us have access to God because of this sacrifice, whether we are gentile or jew, gay or straight, pregnant or barren. Many people miss this point because it somehow feels good to alienate small groups of people, as if it makes your prize that much better if it's not shared by all. The Jews wanted to originally deny Jesus from the Gentiles, which is why Paul had to argue so vehemently that the salvation was for everyone. the legacy of Jesus is for all of us.
Or we could just argue the declaration of independence which says that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If gay marriage does not exemplify liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I don't know what does.
12:01 PM
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I'm scared, i'll admit. the fight that's begun over gay marriage reminds me of how many people hate our ideas, if not us. I was aware of their hatred, but their voices are gaining in power and confidence. And our friends? Almost every major Democrat stands against us. Thank you to Carol Moseley Braun though, for calling it how it is, that people's fear of gay marriage is the same fear against interracial marriage. This is what always happens when a fight starts, people pick sides, and the vehemence grows. It happened to me a year ago when I stood up to claim conscientious objection. Certain people screamed their vituperance at me, and certain people whispered their support. But that first period, where emotions gain momentum, hurts the most.
I hope the future holds good things for us; i hope people will see this fight as a civil rights fight and not an issue of backwards morality. I hope more of us stand up to fight this one.
12:12 PM
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
I am excited about the new possibilities of gay marriage, much as i see it out of reach for myself. but of course, i also dread the coming fight over it. But we have to stand up for ourselves, don't we? well, i can't even say there's a majority of gay people I know who want marriage, who will even stand up for their right to marry. Strangely, it seems, in order to win any respect, we have to stand up for this one, or be shoved back twenty years. I like th idea of gay marriage, no doubt, but if gays can't even be open and teach high school in most states, what's the point? maybe we have other issues to fight. or maybe we can start with this one, stand behind this one point and make all the others fall in our direction, too. I'm not sure we're that strong, but this eats at me, all the people joining together in hate against us, calling themselves Christians. No followers of Christ would be so motivated by hate.
I'd still prefer to focus my energy on the people we're killing in Iraq. Sure, I can't marry the person I want to, but at least I'm alive. Can't say the same for many many Iraqi's.
10:43 AM
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
When the press has asked Bush about the planned protests as he arrives in Britain, he has given the same answer as the many other times protestors have greeted him around the world, that he's happy to be in a democratic place which allows protests. It's a good answer, no doubt, trying to focus on what he claims to be doing in Iraq with all this killing. However, while protests are certainly a healthy part of a democracy, what Bush doesn't mention is another part of a democracy, voting. If, as it seems in Britain, the majority of voters disagree with the war in Iraq and yet, the government has still gone along with it, where's the precious democracy? Just how precious is the democracy when the majority does not win?
We can circle around this argument though, and question the benefit of a majority always winning. Certainly, our founding fathers were afraid of total majority rule, which is why we have a representative democracy and not a total democracy, and why, i suspect, the electoral college still exists. If an election in 1800 had been so close that the popular vote overruled the electoral vote, which way would the founders have perferred the decision to fall? Were the members of the electoral college to vote their own consciences and preferences or were they to simply abide by the will of the people and present a somewhat distorted view of majority rule?
I certainly know the majority of Americans would not prefer marriage rights to be extended to same-sex couples, and yet, that's exactly what i would argue needs to be done, with or without majority rule. How far does democracy go, and how do the courts assess the view of the constitution against the views of the people?
These aren't easy questions, and weren't meant to be. But that's what America is all about, consistently redifining our rules and constitutions to reflect the people and the new understanding of laws, so that no tyranny can last for long, so that no one group consistently exerts power over others. But this needs constant work, dialogue, and thought, which most Americans refuse to do. Our democracy does not so much rely on our legislators and presidents to do the right thing but on the extent of regular americans to be aware of the world around them and to conscientiously make decisions. would the schools taught more of this and less of mathematics and athletics.
5:00 PM
Friday, November 14, 2003
Thank goodness, some interesting good news to report. Canada must be a wonderful country. Thanks Monsieur Chretien, for leading the way. Maybe we can elect a leader more like you in our country.
and while i'm at it, let's talk well about Dick Clark, too. Not many people can be so accepting of the people around them, so non-judgemental, and so warm. i can't say i've ever so much liked him, and yet, it's amazing that he hasn't done the whole I'm old, i hate you young people thing like so many others. talk about democracy, he's respected the majority opinion forever.
11:51 AM
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I have recently begun posting sporadically for a local website, St. Louis Instead of War Coalition. All of the stuff I've written for them is here in my blog, so it's nothing new to those of you who read this, but it's exciting for me to have even a slightly larger audience, and to say, hey, my stuff is getting out there. I've also tried out for another website, but i'll let you know more about that if i get the opportunity.
I'm also happy to see Alabama Chief Justice [Roy Moore] Removed From Office. Although I agree the Ten Commandments do carry reflections within our own legal system, so does the code of Hammurabbi and other ancient texts. Setting up an enormous monument to such a religious text hardly defines the separation of church and state.
12:46 PM
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
i didn't write much about what this week means to me. I've had a hard time expressing much opinion because what happened was a year ago, and i'd like to keep it there. however, some repetition is good to have, and I don't want to forget. The day before veterans' day, last year, i spoke at a peace rally here in town. I've said all this before, though. I feel a totally different person now, more outspoken, more confident, and definitely a civilian. more than anything, I feel more myself, i stood up for what I believed in, put myself at risk, and acccomplished my goal. And yes, I was brave and I was strong. But thank goodness that was a year ago, and not just a few days past.
2:15 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Veterans' Day. to all veterans, though i don't presume any of them will read this. I respect your willingness to give so much of yourself to those around you. I mourn those of you we have lost, those who are still missing or still captured. Although i don't respect your methods, I know you meant well, that most of you were thinking more about your loved ones, your lovers, nephews, and mothers than you were about the thrill of killing someone else. I know you think war is necessary, that there is nothing else to do, though so few other methods have even been tried. so that is my challenge, to both myself and to you, to find other ways to settle problems, like we have within our own country, where duelling is illegal and most people go to the courts or the police before they pull out their weapons. Take your energy and willingness to sacrifice and devote it to furthering peace around the world, so fewer of you will actually lose their lives, so fewer of all of us, in all countries, will lose ours. We are all veterans of a world war, fighting going on all around us, between criminals and policemen, mothers and fathers, soldiers and soldiers, people against themselves. I hope we can mourn the loss of each other and prevent all the future's disasters.
7:38 PM
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Thanks, Jessica. You are brave and honest to tell us the military's fliming of your release was a set-up for their benefit. Not many people would shun the hero-light they tried to thrust on you. I am impressed that you would not bow to the military's wishes. Shame on the military who tried to use you, but you have claimed your own truth and let them be known as the users they have always been. what courage! All Americans will benefit from your honesty.
11:14 PM
Thursday, November 06, 2003
"On his second night in Iraq, one month ago, Sergeant Pogany, 32, saw an Iraqi cut in half by a machine gun. The sight disturbed him so much, he said, he threw up and shook for hours. His head pounded and his chest hurt."
This is war that the president doesn't talk about. This is war that our history books don't talk about. War can not be glorified. I cannot think of any reason which would justify the brutal death of this man. But even more atrocious are people who would criminalize the natural reaction of horror this sergeant had upon seeing half of a man blown apart. Do you think the sergeant will ever forget that? Do you think he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night with the image in his head?
don't you ever forget either. This is our america, one that punishes people for having compassion on others, one that promotes such carnage as noble battle. this is why I left the Air Force.
12:11 PM
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
i've been mixing music lately. actually, i'm bouncing right now to the music i'm putting together for a friend of mine. no wonder music runs my life, it controls my body like the knob on a radio. hard to type when i'm moving like this. thank goodness most people work during the day and i can blast my music in my apt. this is so exciting, what song's coming next? oh, i know, i put them together, but i don't have that good of a memory, and the anticipation is such a turn-on. oh yeah, this is right. see? no, you can't hear can you? oh, you wish you could. this is movement to share.
10:47 AM
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Soldiers have the closest sight to war. They don't read the paper to find out what the enemy might be doing; they see it from their tents, marching in front of them and sneaking behind them. Most of them have an incredible faith in their leaders, in the job they are doing, and in the abilities of the other soldiers around them. A group with positive morale can withstand the harshest conditions, keep each other motivated to wake up each day. Disasters occur though when the soldiers look around them to find desperation. Desperation in the enemy who is willing to kill himself for a small tactical gain, desperation in the soldiers around them who no longer want to live.
The Pentagon recently admitted troop suicide is triple the normal rate, and are investigating another dozen possible suicides. One soldier in particular was not shy about his death; he killed himself immediately after talking to friends or family back in the US, in front of the line waiting to use the telephone.
Bush says troop morale is good. Suicide, although far too common in a peacetime , rips morale in half, reminds people how difficult their situation is, disassembles trust in those around you, shakes every confidence soldiers have in their fight. When the army is sending mental health professionals to Iraq to examine the increasing problem, morale is nowhere near good. When soldiers hear their leader proclaiming the lie that their morale is good, it lowers morale even more, forces them to realize the distance between them and their leaders and question the judgement of the men who put them in their position.
I remember a suicide attempt on my base in Sacramento. it's amazing how many people it effects. it's not just the people who knew the guy, it's everyone on base who finds out, which is mostly everyone. who knows why, the guy could have had family troubles, an affair out of hand, fiscal problems, anything, but it shakes you up, makes you wonder what people are thinking around you, makes you reliaze how much stress is on the people you work with. to think of that kind of an experience in an already stressful war environment, what can that do to people? what do we say to the twenty-year old man's parents, the man who killed himself in front of the telephone line? how do we tell them that he didnt' want to handle the situation we put him in? I want to put my own spin on this of course, i want to say I know why he did it. but i don't, even if i can imagine that so much around him threatened him to the point that his only friend was his weapon. why do we give the most horrible jobs to the youngest, the ones that handle it the worst? why are we willing to lose these people, even if they are willing to lose themselves?
8:35 PM
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