words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Sunday, December 07, 2003
Angels in America premiered tonight, and I won't stop thinking about it for a while. its characters are too real, too honest to simply fade away. they live in my head, repeating their lines, mixing their lives with mine, forcing me to re-evaluate my life based on their revelations. I grew up, not mormon like Joe, but fundamentalist, in that every law ever passed is a law in my own mind, a wall restricting what i will do, think, and desire. some of that is in the past, and i have successfully broken many laws, but some still haunt me. simple ones and difficult ones, like being late or speaking up about my feelings, make my heart thump in fear. I've been unlearning so much of my life since I turned 19, and though i have come so far, so far that i hardly remember the boy I was, I am not nearly as far as I would like to be. I try so hard to be good, can't imagine doing anything else with my life, but my awareness of good has changed so fundamentally that i have grasped at whatever i could reach, have lived in fear that i might be horrible. I made myself sick with the fear when it all started, in college, breaking out into hives repeatedly, scared and nervous, and alone.
i can't tell you all this, i can't just say what frightened me then, what still frightens me now. i don't have that kind of trust. i haven't gotten through all this, don't expect i ever will, but will have to constantly reevaluate my situation, try to see myself as well as i can, try not to be the monster inside, try to help more people than i hurt.
The second half of Angels in America will air next Sunday. I can only hope its revelations are just as poignant, its fears so raw and honest, that it will be another part of that mirror, to help us see ourselves, who we really are, and maybe who we might be.
11:49 PM
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