words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Saturday, December 27, 2003
time to stop feeling so dramatic. my life is awfully good. Christmas is over, thankfully, and it went really well. i'm having music overload - iTunes Music Store is a good thing. What's struck me since i wrote that last entry is that I might actually learn to need people again, and admit that I need them. I have needed them all along and been very well supported, but i refused to acknowledge it or accept it. i have many friends right now who are supportive and wonderful, and it's about time i step out of myself and recognize their friendship. It means a lot to me, and I'm so glad to have it. i want more and more, and that's ok. friendship is worth wanting more of.
There's no doubt that i'm still working through large changes in my life, and that in itself is stressful. it's difficult to simply trust what's going on around me, and understand that I'll do well. forgive me for being so dramatic and pretending people don't love me. even my family, of whom i have complained so much this month, love me, in their own difficult way. I don't like the way they love, but i'm positive they are trying. I am trying as well, to love them and yet to stand up for myself, for the first time in my life. Another difficult change. But I can do this.
See, I never make new year's resolutions. I make resolutions and changes all the time, and I figure if I don't make them when I see a problem, then making them at new year's isn't going to help. and right now, it's time to give up this self-pity. you'd think I were still in the Air Force; you'd think I'm blind and friendless, but mostly you'd think I were not recognizing the great strides I've made in my life this past year, these past years. when I take some perspective, see my life when i was 16, how i was bound to my parents, the incredible influence they and their pseudo-Christianity had over me, and then see what changes I have made, largely on my own, without some older mentor to guide me, I have come so incredibly far it boggles my mind. Who would have thought that I, who had never confronted my mother or talked to her about any serious issue that bothered me, would have three different conversations with her in one year about being gay and about leaving the air force? Who would have thought that after growing up under the mores of Oral Roberts and his university, that i would be a happy Quaker, would instead of throwing out all religion becauase of the incredible strictness that I adhered to growing up, find a new path that I could believe strongly in? This is good, and I have to accept it as good, recognize it, and remember how hard I've worked for it.
8:13 AM
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