words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, December 22, 2003
why do i need so much? why don't i love myself as much as i know i should? why do i need validation from my parents and from other people, for most everything i do? i suppose i'm human, full of contradictions, containing multitudes of needs, feelings, plaintive soulful sounds. i'm not one to wish i were someone else, but i certainly wish that i were better than i am. of course, it seems everyone else has plenty of their own problems, too, but i want to be better than my problems. i want to stand above them and laugh, say, you're not even big enough for me to stub my toe on. if i could see my life from someone else's point of view, i would probably like myself a lot better. or maybe i'd see my faults more glaringly. maybe both, learning to accept myself like i'm learning to accept others, no matter how much vision they give me. it's all right, i tell myself, it's allright. because there isn't anybody else to tell me, no significant other to whisper don't worry baby in my head, no longtime best friend to stay up all night and talk to me. if i fall? i know some people who will try to catch me, but can they hold me up? i'm heavy, and they don't know me well. i've moved too much, left friends behind, lost the means to touch them.
count your blessings he tells me, that other side of me that knows pity isn't worth the time it takes to think it. and so i count them, and i could keep on counting them until i fell asleep laughing. my life is rich and full. time will fill up the memories between me and my current friends, most new within the past six to eight months. man cannot live on bread alone. this time i can't say i don't need them. i may never have admitted that before, not in my whole life, thought i could live without anybody, and i did, unless you differentiate between existing and living. but i've tasted what i've been missing, and i need it. so maybe in uncovering this need while not quite yet knowing how to fill it, i've opened myself to more hurt, just for a short while, until i find what it is i need. but i have to know that i need, before i can reach for it.
4:29 PM
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