words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, February 26, 2004
The imagination and art of people everywhere is one of the few reasons to exist, in my mind. The feeling I get from creating and viewing art is one of the most powerful and wonderful parts of my life, and I'm so exhilirated by something surprising and new. Apparently, The Saint Louis Art Museum has been doing this sort of thing for years, having the Art in Bloom show. I hadn't bothered to come see it because I thought it was just a bunch of nice flowers in the lobby. There are bunch of nice flowers in the lobby, no doubt, but the incredible part are the small bouquets set out in almost each room of the museum. Each of these bouquets has been based on a particular piece of art, and sits in front of it. The displays were the best arrangements i've ever seen. Granted, I've never thought much of floral arrangement and apparently haven't given it it's due. What some people did was create art out of flowers. Some very interpretational, some very obvious. Almost all of them were beautiful and surprsing. I loved guessing the different parts of them, seeing the represenation, wondering how the artist set about copying a scene, how he or she (mostly she's) chose the flowers, bent and shaped them. There were so many of them, I was so overwhelmed.
One bouquet had a small piece of what looked like armor (based on an old piece of 3/4 armor), with a stump on one side, and a flowing, circling, stretch of flesh, with large and long red flowers, like blood, streaming through it. All topped by a spiky, dangerous plant, like a protective and angry helmet.
The painting of Sts Peter and Paul was represented by tall plants sticking out of pillar-shaped vases. at the top, were cala liles, pulled together to form an arch over the main area - another set of vases was set back a bit, and more narrow, so that when you looked at it, the image faded in the background, arched flowers showing off the top of the building, drawing your eyes upward.
My favorite though, was a rather simple arrangement based on Spectrum II. Spectrum II is a shockingly bright rainbow paneled piece. Each panel is a different color, going up and back down the spectrum, with yellow in the middle. It hurts to look at, becomes three dimensional. it doesn't look like a rainbow, but just like a prism caught on the wall, only huge, each panel taller than me and almost as wide, at least fourteen panels of bright colors. The flower arrangement, well, is probably indescribable. it held all the colors within it that were represented on the wall, set out together, with a white background (the wall) behind it. The flowers were the realistic version, the one that didn't hurt your eyes, but was just as vivid and colorful.
There were so many of them. These will sit with me, reminding of how art inspires, how it passes from one person to the next, how it opens doors you didn't think existed, connecting worlds you would have separated. We are a part of the art, as much as the art is a part of us.
5:43 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Well, our president has done it. He's backed the marriage banning us from ever getting married. I'm disappointed although not surprised. And yet, hopeful. There are people out there I know who will hear his support and refuse to support him, will see through his lies of being compassionate. Will it be enough? I don't know. who can say? I have to hope though, that his support against us might actually help us. Amendments to the Constitution are a big deal, and if the Democrats play this the right way, people may sit it as limiting rights, as destroying the sanctity of the Constitution.
I don't actually think the amendment will pass, but i'm also strangely hopeful that the issue will actually pull people away from the Bush camp. Should I be so hopeful? i'm tired of being otherwise.
10:45 AM
Monday, February 23, 2004
a friend of mine imagined a wonderful idea for me. i'm putting together an application for an internship with a Quaker lobbying group in D.C. in the process, I found a large envelope to put the application in and then realized, it's a manila envelope. ooh, i love that word. manila, it just comes out of the mouth with syllabic harmony, that dense n in the middle, oh the power of the letter n. so i mention to my friend my love for the word manila and he asks, what about a manila napkin?? oh, shivers, shivers, that's so good. manila napkin. it's almost worth changing the title of my weblog - it's strangely close anyhow, right? my heart's beating faster, have to shake my head, oh, that's so good. yes, manila napkin. that's just right.
i'll sit on that for a while and oh my, well, enjoy it. manila napkin. yes.
3:11 PM
Sunday, February 22, 2004
I'm so swamped with Queerday stuff lately. agh, my goodness there's so much gay news out there. good though, right? we're certainly not being ignored.
Here's an intriguing article talking about gay sexuality in terms of our defiance of national mores. We used to be promiscuous, openly sexual, defined by who we had sex with. Are we changing to fit the mode of the country, trying to get married, trying to be monogamous? there's a large part of me that has struggled with this issue for years, what matters when it comes to sex, how to look at promiscuity. I refuse to simply take on traditional roles, and yet, i haven't found a good rule to live by.
But i never thought of gay men leading a sexual revolution, showing the country that we could be openly sexual, that we could define ourselves that way, and flaunt it. it's rather amazing if you look at it that way. Are we trying to fit in, or trying to blow the roof off the sucker? i think lately, we are trying to fit in too much.
12:27 PM
Thursday, February 19, 2004
This article is one of the things i'm hoping to see from the marriages in san francisco. that people will realize the incredible effect of three thousand couples racing to get married because they're so afraid they're never going to get the chance again to secure their rights. i'm hoping people see it with sympathy, that these couples have waited for 6, 15, and 51 years for this moment, and finally it's available to them. it's chaotic but fun, amazing and adventurous. what can the rest of us do to be so brave, to support them?
6:23 AM
Monday, February 16, 2004
Go! go get married while we have the chance! I can't believe it's happening, i think it shocks all of us, but civil disobedience can be a wonderful thing. amazing what a few people in power can do to liberate or to bind so many of us.
I've been thinking and writing about relationships quite a bit recently, not sure what's going on in my own life, not sure what I want or need or even can find. I love the connections I find in other people, and it feels so good to find more and more of those. my years in the air force separated me from too many people who were similar to me, and i lived in isolation, afraid i was just strange. but we all go through times like that, when everyone around us seems alike, and we're the ugly thumb. we're all nowhere, right in the middle of our own isolation, sometimes self-created by our own blindness. No matter what though, we find people, we find encouragement from unlikely people, even from ourselves to be who we are, even to be better than who we have been. None of our lives will be allright - we will all suffer, some of us quite a bit more than others, and yet, we all feel that suffering. it's only the connections that make life worth living, the beauty of understanding another person. i don't know if that means a relationship or friendship, or something i can't name, but i love, any time i meet someone with similar taste, with similar outlooks, someone who understands parts of me that i hardly understand myself, someone who i understand and want to know more about. Anger and pain tries to stop the hope of finding more of that around us. past experience, loss of trust and faith. it's hope and love that we have to concentrate on, that even the peopel who have hurt us might one day be able to help us, that we might see through our anger into something we can love about them.
Valentine's Day has never meant much to me, but maybe i've been focusing on the wrong thing, searching for one person, when i should have realized all the wonderful people i already had around me, giving them the love and grace i have. If i find someone to fall for, to make plans with, then I hope i'll be open to it. for now, i have to remember what i have, and keep hoping for more.
But see, I can bind or liberate myself as well, in much more powerful ways than our rulers. So i should liberate, and do my best to enjoy it.
4:38 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
i'm out of molasses. that's unusual.
1:29 PM
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Hair.
That was the topic last night at the Saints and Sinners ball last night, an AIDS fundraiser I attended with my new man. first time out with him, which was interesting, introducing him to people, etc. but it was my hair that got the most attention. I've never received so much attention for my hair. I'll admit I'm used to getting looks from guys attracted to me, but last night, i saw pointing fingers and people showing me to their friends. The craziest part was that a lot of people didn't think it was real. i talked to one guy all night, and the whole time he thought i was someone else he knew with a wig on. nope, that's my hair. my hair's big. i'm not sure i can take a picture of it, but when i let it dry naturally, it becomes a big curly fro. i wore a silk 70's shirt and played off the hair, but i never expected for my hair to be mistaken as fake. i guess that's a compliment, that my hair's so good people might want to buy it.
but i think the best part was dancing and having my hair bounce all around. maybe that's why my neck is so sore this morning, since i kept swinging my head around to move my hair. hmm, i'll have to practice that so i don't get sore so easily!
1:15 PM
Thursday, February 05, 2004
look at where i've been! ok, i'll admit that Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia, I've only barely been through, as in, once, maybe twice driving though, maybe a Waffle House stop, but that's about it. but otherwise, i'm pretty well-travelled, i think.
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
2:16 PM
Ice day!
so, i know that's not as exciting as
Snow day!
but, it still gets me off of work tonight, since most people don't come up for coffee when freezing rain is coating the streets with an accident invocation.
work has been trouble lately anyway, so i'm thankful for the time off. besides, i haven't gotten all my laundry put away, and i have a large pot of red beans and rice to eat off of.
Thank goodness for Dean though. I know, he may never have been an 'electable' candidate, but think about what he did for the Democrats. he got people excited, early on, to beat Bush out of his seat. we still have to hope us dean people will realize that we need to keep up the fervor, for anyone who dares to stand up to the Bush franchise. But also, would the Democrats be blaming Bush for the Iraq fiasco if it weren't for Dean? would they have dared to stand up to all of his ridiculousness without a hothead leading the way? I'm not a hothead at all, but i appreciate their incredible ability to stand in front, yelling and screaming, until someone pays attention. Democrats are paying attention now, and we're thinking Bush is beatable. Because some americans do care about other americans, not just american businesses, because some americans do care about truth and openness. I hail Dean as our sideline street-screamer. someone who points out the stuff too many people weren't noticing. he doesn't have it all together to lead the country, but he has certainly pointed towads the right way.
1:45 PM
Monday, February 02, 2004
i hate myself sometimes. i don't like to admit it. i shouldn't hate myself. luckily, i've found that when i admit that i hate myself, i begin to change the part that i hate into something better. so, i'm admitting tonight, that i hate a few parts of myself. i hate the part of that is so lazy, i won't even get up to get myself something to eat when i'm hungry. i'll put it off, as if it will go away, until i'm so hungry i'm depressed and volatile. who does that? i'll get cold, but i won't put anything on to warm me up. i'll see the trash around me, dirt on the floor, bills i need to pay, and i won't take care of them. not until i get angry enough at myself that i feel like i'm the punisher.
what's this about? did i think my life was gonna be handed to me easy? yeah, i think so. i guess i figured when i got out of the air force, everything would be great. but it isn't. i'm working harder than i ever worked in the air force, and making a quarter of the money for it. mostly because i'm too lazy to go out and find myelf a different job. see? repetitive pattern, anyone? yeah, this is pitiful. i'm a bigger person than this.
but hey, now that i've got my ire sparked, now that i'm hating myself, i'm gonna change it. because this isn't good enough. i can do better.
10:50 PM
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