words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, March 26, 2004
Forgiveness is difficult, of course. when you have a letter in your hand that doesn't seek to understand but only to condemn, it's difficult to say, I love you Grandma. When some words say "I don't condemn you" but others continually point out how wrong my life is, the words that say "I love you" feel hollow. I want to fight back, i want to keep arguing, to prove that i am right, that I have thought about this more than you have, that I can use the Bible on my side as well.
This is violence, too. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt me for much longer. But i pledged to stop violence, didn't i? I said violence isn't the right way, that even in the face of an attack, I would respond with love, turn the other cheek, love my enemies. How? with a lot of effort, maybe.
so instead of writing her back and refuting her points, I've written a letter that simply says I love you. I know that we disagree, and I know you think you are more right than I am, that you are simply passing on the words of God to me. And I love you for trying to do that, for trying to help me, even though I feel that you are wrong, that those are not the words of my god, not the one i talk to all the time, not the way who brings me such peace that I might actually be able to forgive you, although the wounds you have given me sting and smart every day. Even though I've curled up on the floor and cried for hours because of the words you spoke to me. the god that I listen to gives me the peace and the love to forgive you and even try to understand you.
No, i didn't even say that much to her. Just that i loved her and would try my best to show that love. and i know, the other side of me is screaming for retribution, to accuse her of false love, to show her that the fruit she bears is poisonous. This is what discipline is all about, knowing which parts of yourself to elevate and and which parts to control. and knowing the struggle never ends, no matter how long you've been practicing the same words over and over. i get better at understanding all the time, but i never block out the other sides of me that would prefer to use my muscles, both mental and physical, to take advantage over someone else.
4:52 PM
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