words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, March 04, 2004
I woke up today, dreaming, continuing a dream i had, daydreaming, retelling the story of my high school track efforts, wondering if i could have done better than i did. I didn't dream this because i'm disatisifed with my shotput experience. I loved that sport; loved being outside throwing for a few hours a day after school. It wasn't violent football; it was just me throwing a heavy ball around, working hard, trying to understand the concept of focusing my body behind one effort. I usually threw alone, maybe one or two other guys there who didn't talk much. I sang often while throwing, almost always in a good mood out there.
But I never did well. No matter that I was the strongest kid around, no matter that I wanted it badly. I just didn't understand how to coil my body up and shoot out of it, the necessary quickness of an athlete. But in my daydream, i had all the mental faculties i have now, having finally grown into my body which grew so quick, so early. I dreamed of throwing the lengths that should have been possible for me, i dreamed I figured it all out early on, without the years that it's actually taken me to be self-aware and to use some talents I have.
I've never been quick. i've always had to heavily analyze every argument to see the sides of it, to understand my feelings on it. I wanted to be different from my always in a hurry father who seemed to know everything but with a falsity that bothered me even when i wasn't fully aware of it. I could feel his insincerity and hated his exaggerations. My slowness means that i've missed a lot of boats, got myself involved in efforts i really disagreed with, played along with people who didn't mean as well as i had thought. I can't go back and change how well i threw the shotput, can't claim the personal glory of it. But what i'm seeing now is that it may not matter. The time and energy I've put into understanding the world around me has given me a depth i am surprised not to see in other people.
The daydream wasn't a silly illusion, a self-pandering effort of re-making parts of my life. It's an awareness that I have improved since then, greatly. Any efforts I put myself into from now on will benefit from the slowness i've practiced my whole life. i won't be a "person under thirty to watch out for," but i'll always have sincerity and passion that come from deep inside me.
4:50 PM
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