words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, May 27, 2004
mmm, eggs sunny-side up over cheese grits. yum yum.
I've been playing around with Instant Cool, a discussion system some friends of mine are on. A new game they made up is a music mix-off, which is right up my alley. Our first competition is a war song collection, which also, is right up my alley. so i've put one together. of course, war songs are never fun to listen to, and althoguh i like the collection, i don't think i'll be listening to it often. what was almost more fun, was writing about the songs a bit, explaining them and their meanings, etc. i would have loved to have been long-winded, giving full explanations of each song, when i first heard them, how they changed my perspectives, etc. but i was more concise. which i guess is why i have a blog, right, to spew all that stuff out. even if nobody bothers to read it, it's still fun for me.
Sunday Bloody Sunday : U2 : War
I Bombed Korea : Cake : Motorcade Of Generosity
Soldiers : ABBA : The Visitors (Remastered)
Waiting At The Border : Beth Watson : Tom's Album
My Vietnam : Pink : Missundaztood
War : Joan Osborne : How Sweet It Is
Mother's Pride : George Michael : Listen Without Prejudice
Business Goes On As Usual : Roberta Flack : Chapter Two
Drink Before The War : Sinéad O'Connor: The Lion And The Cobra
What's Going On : Marvin Gaye : What's Going On
Back In The USSR : The Beatles : The Beatles (White Album) (Disc 1)
Bombers : David Bowie : Hunky Dory
When Johnny Comes Marching Home : Glenn Miller : The Millenium Anthology
We Will Become Silhouettes : The Postal Service : Give Up
Gun Shy : 10,000 Maniacs : In My Tribe
'Tis Of Thee : Ani DiFranco : Up Up Up Up Up Up
Gunpowder : Wyclef Jean : The Carnival
I'm On The Battlefield For My Lord : Rev. D.C. Rice & His Sanctified : Anthology Of American Folk Music (2-B)
I realize that the songs should be able to stand for themselves, but I'll admit that a few of the songs I used are a bit difficult to deconstruct, so I'm throwing in a bit of explanation. Plus, I've always wanted to write a celebrity playlist where I gush about what the songs mean to me! And since I was in the military for nine years, they all certainly affected me.
Most of the songs are obvious, U2's Sunday bloody Sunday, Cake's We Bombed Korea, Joan Osbourne remake of War, etc, but I love the Cold War songs like David Bowie's Bombers and the Beatles' Back in the USSR. The Postal Service song, We Will Become Silhouettes is harder to grab - Chrisafer explained it to me. The song is about the fear of nuclear war, how teachers literally described to us what would happen during and after a nuclear strike, how our cells would implode, and our ashes would literally turn us into silhouettes. Wyclef Jean's Gunpowder and Ani DiFranco's 'Tis of Thee both deal with undeclared war, like war between two gangs, the war on the poor, the war on drugs (and drug-users), etc. Marvin Gaye's What's Going On - i wish i could post the whole album) made a huge impact on my life as it sifted through my head, the face of war, the mothers and fathers, the sons and brothers. George Michael's Mother's Pride was originally presented to me by another cadet as simply a prisoner of war song, but i eventually listened to it enough to realize that it's quite anti-war "all the husbands, all the sons, all the lovers gone, they make no difference, no difference in the end." Glen Miller's When Johnny Comes Marching Home and the folk song, I'm on the Battlefield for my Lord exemplify the eerie ideas I heard when i was younger, the glorification of war, the comparison of fundamentalist Christianity with warfare for God which both recognized the dangers of war, but somehow pushed a positive emotion for those willing to fight, die, and mostly, kill the enemy.
1:47 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Salon.com has offered free subscriptions to their news reporting for active duty military members. As much as I'm jealous that I didn't have this opportunity when I was in, I'm proud of them for hoping to combat the one-sided news that most military members hear and read. Of course, i realize fully that not too many members will consider the subscription, if they're even aware of Salon in the first place. However, I wrote this letter of thanks to Salon for the idea:
I was an active duty member of the Air Force from 1998 to 2003, after which I received a conscientious objection discharge. I am pleased to see your latest offering towards active duty military and appreciate the attempt to show an alternative side to politics than what most military members hear. I started reading Salon.com around 2000, when I first started to read online news, and tried to create a perspective on life instead of simply listening to those around me. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the efforts of Salon to write about stories most news sites did not carry, and to do more investigative journalism about important subjects. I read Salon at work predominately, although i constantly feared co-workers or bosses realizing i was reading a left-wing publication. It's amazing how even a perception of being different than those around you leads to trouble. I also dealt with being gay and trying to hide that, but the two seemed to go hand-in-hand. I feared people would think I was gay because I was liberal and vice versa (the stress from my fears of being caught led to minor paranoia). Nevertheless, I knew that I needed to read other voices than those presented to me and still remain dedicated to reading Salon as well as many other sources of journalism.
I of course have complicated feelings over my friends who remain in the military, but i am always glad to see military people open to alternative perspectives and attempts to fully understand America and the consequences of our actions. Thank you for being a part of my life, and for your push to be more available to those who most need to understand the ramifications of our new empire.
7:20 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
I've noticed the furor of negative news about gays and lesbians i read while working for Queerday.com has brought me down a bit. It's utterly amazing the number of vocal people out there ready to spew such condemnation towards us. I'm used to hearing it from my family, but I guess it was nice to be generally ignored in the news. Now, we're everywhere, people looking at us, our families, our decisions, and doing their best to tear us down. Granted, there are positive voices out there, too, and i find plenty of positive comments and news to report on. But wow, I had no idea how strongly people have aligned against us.
I'm hoping this is just the backlash, and soon enough, it will drown itself out. But i don't know. the votes are still close right now. I can't anticipate what's going to happen. I just know that right now, the voices against us are so awfully loud, well-funded, and prepared. Are we as prepared?
11:52 AM
Friday, May 21, 2004
more abuse, more trouble, more revelations of how much damage we've done to the world. it's winter in America and where's our Gil-Scott Heron? Michael Moore seems to be more interested in himself. i don't know.
it's time agan for the Slam poetry competitions. St Louis is actually hosting the national Slam competition this year. i've been asked to judge for the St Louis Grand Slam where we'll pick the competitors at nationals. of course, that's only if i don't want to compete. do i want to compete? not really, but why am i writing something in preparation then? i dunno. it's a good impetus to write, no matter what, so i'm not arguing with it. maybe i'll share it when i finish. regardless, it was nice to be asked to compete and or judge, assuming that he meant i knew what i was doing. i don't really think so, but he must.
6:06 PM
Monday, May 17, 2004
Marriage!
10:23 AM
Thursday, May 13, 2004
be your best friend. i want to, because i've been my own best friend for too long. and although i have done everything with myself, i don't enjoy giving to myself anymore; i'm just not worthy.
but you may be. we all deserve more and less than what we get, but i don't have to subscribe to that. I can give you what i want, what i have, because i have it to give.
i have music and writing, thoughts, smells, and muscles, toys and spirit and books and fresh homemade cooking. i have paper and ink, pillows and sheets, bike rides and walks in the neighborhood.
i have had all these things for so long, but i have been jealous of them, giving them to myself, saying all of you may not appreciate it while simultaneously saying i don't have enough to give.
oh, i'm crazy, you'll have a good time with me. i'll take you dancing and make you sing along; i'll paint your shoes and show you secret trees; i'll introduce you to the world that has so fascinated me.
this is how i will love, not with assurance but confidence that what i have is enough, and what you have is enough. your best friend, wagging my tail because i am with you.
1:03 AM
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
I'm sinking in the quicksand of my thoughts
And I ain't got the power anymore.
I saw david bowie tonight. he reminded of all the amazing ideas of his that have played through my head over the past ten years. the changes, the kooks, the sound and vision, the fashion and space oddity, the pressure I've been under, being so afraid of americans. After hearing his voice so often, singing along with its quirks and strangeness, how even weirder to see him live, singing on the stage in front of me. there are few artists i respect more than him. how does someone as weird as him get to be so popular? that's rare; he's such a gift to the world.
but the above lyrics have all too well represented the last year. I can't say why, but i've certainly been drowning in my thoughts, not because i have so many troubles, but because i can't get my eyes off the troubles in the world, that aren't my problem. because i can't seem to let things go and enjoy myself like i used to. i used to have that power. but i can get it back, right? i don't have to feel so lost? i found answers in the past. there must be more waiting for me, if i just keep looking.
11:42 PM
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Ok, I understand something better now - i was a bit surprised earlier at how Rumsfield and Bush were being blamed for the torture going on in Iraq. After reading up on it, apparently, the Int'l Red Cross has warned the U.S. for almost a year now that the soldiers were committing abuses both in Afghanistan and Iraq. Furthermore, a report was sent to Rumsfield in February about the abuses, upon which he has done nothing. More and more people are saying that the abuses are much more widespread than people think now. Military intelligence actually told some of the soldiers to deprecate the Iraqis.
i would still say that this is the logical effect of war. Every war has its share of abuse, no matter which one you look at. We should know as humans who study history that when we declare war on someone else, some of our soldiers, maybe even a great many, are going to abuse and torture the ones they deem their enemy. As if the bombing weren't itself abuse and torture.
8:54 PM
My mother left today, and I'm glad things went so well. Of course, i avoided saying so many things, and I'm left wondering if that was right. Do I value my friendship with my mother so much that I should keep quiet at every instance? How many times did I hold my tongue when she brought up politics, how much she acts like her own insensitive mother, that I help out with a gay and lesbian news website? With anyone else, i would have been ashamed of myself for keeping so quiet. With my mother, i know it would have made her trip so difficult for the both of us . . . was it worth it?
As i said, last year, i brought up the difficult issues for the first time in my life - yes, seriously, the first time in my life. we don't talk about difficult issues. my mother still has not dealt with the deaths of her sister and brother over twenty years ago. we leave those things behind and pretend we don't have to talk to them. Well, they do. I don't do that so much, but around them, yeah, I do. if i do, my mother stops talking to me. When i told her i had an article in the local newspaper about being gay in the military, she said she wouldn't read it and was quiet for about ten minutes.
if I were braver, would i bring these things up all the time? Or am I being smart and compassionate? Am I sacrificing myself in a good way, for the benefit of our friendship? Or am I just bowing to her power over me?
I don't know. I'm glad she came up here, and I want to keep seeing her, even if it's tough, even if I don't know how to behave. but I just don't know what's right.
8:01 PM
Thursday, May 06, 2004
My mother will be here in about six hours. I'm starting to get nervous. I'm fairly confident it will be a pretty easy visit. We'll see parts of St Louis, maybe see a play, walk around and enjoy each other's company. But there's always so much that's not being said. See, my mother's love is conditional. She loves me, so long as I'm not gay in her face. She loves me, so long as I don't speak out against war and killing.
So she probably loves me even during those times, when she can't agree with me. at least, she says so. But what matters more, her words or her actions? When it's obvious she hasn't stayed in any of my apartments since I've come out - instead gets a hotel - it's a slap in the face. Like i'm diseased. Her inability to see anybody else's side, her decision to look at the world in right versus wrong, makes me scared of her. Should I be scared? no, I wish i could say I don't care what she thinks, or create some distance there where I can care what she thinks but not to the point that I am frightened of her disapproval.
I'll show her the things that I like to do; she'll like some of them in spite of herself. she's the kind who will watch you cook, with a dirty look on your face saying, what are you cooking? you're adding that? ewww! and then, when she tastes it, will like it, and compliment you. so you have to endure the rudeness to get anything good from her. She'll hate my hair but she'll like the rhubarb pie i'll bake for her. I'm running through a list of good and bad things, parts of me she'll like and parts she'll dislike, hoping that in total i'll be in the good category again.
Four years ago, almost to the day, my dad found out I was gay, by looking through my desk drawers and finding bar notes with guy's numbers on them. We didn't talk for a year afterwards, my mother and I, not for a few months, but probably only about four or five times the whole year. She didn't invite me to see her for Christmas that year, for the first time ever. I can't tell you how much all that still hurts.
Last year, I started to talk to her, to finally approach her about leaving the Air Force, about being gay, things we had avoided saying for years. We talked three different times about it. I visited and helped out twice last year when she had surgery. I'm trying so hard.
She'll be here in less than six hours. this time i won't bring up the hard stuff. we'll just try to enjoy spring and each other, as much as we can. can we? How do you soften a Mother's heart?
12:00 PM
I've been thinking over Bush's comment that the Iraqi prisoner torture exhibits showed him torturers who were not like any Americans he knew. I would completely disagree. The Air Force showed me a side of people I never thought could exist. I was naive at 17, obviously, but not as much as Bush at 50-some. The Academy had nothing to do with torture, but there were times when you could see group-think happening, people doing things they would never have done in any other situation. Many people go into the military to kill, simple as that. yes, they'l tell you that, and you'll think they're kidding, but although they kind of are, there is a side underneath them that is completely serious. And that's just the Air Force, the kinder and gentler branch. The problems we're seeing come from the Army and the Marines, the much tougher, and less intelligent branch.
it doesn't shock me at all that such torture would happen. Even if 19 out of 20 guys were opposed to what they were 'methods' they were using, it only takes one outspoken big guy to get the whole gang behind him. Rush Limbaugh compared the torture to frat boy pranks, and in a way he's right (except for the gruesome reality that the iraqis are not volunteers and would have been shot had they tried to complain). Guys in bad situations have a tendency to follow the worst of them, the guy who has all the bad instincts. Even when everyone else knows it's wrong, they follow because they want to prove they're tough. Especially in the past decade, when so many young soldiers are angry at the so-called feminization of the military, they just want some action. and if all they can get is torturing the men in front of them, that's enough.
Strange though, after all the abuses the Bush administration has committed in the past three years, that this would blow up to be so big, something hardly even in their control (yes, the Defense Secretary has 'leadership' over it, but it's a long shot to say he approved it). But I guess it always happens this way; the worst criminals finally getting jailed for the least theft.
11:50 AM
Monday, May 03, 2004
I love dynamic characters, the ones in movies who grow into a better person, find some epiphany and act on it. American Beauty, Broken Hearts Club, Living Out Loud, even Tootsie is really about Dustin Hoffman's growth as a person who finally understands someone else. I suppose I've always hoped to be one of those people, even consider myself one, because i have changed so much, hopefully for the better. it's not an easy thing to do, reorient your life that has been traveling so hard towards something else.
The first change I made happened the summer before i started seventh grade, my first time in a public school. I had a bad temper growing up, holding it all in until i couldn't take it and then lashing out at someone viciously, usually my brother but sometimes my friends, and even his. i was already a bit depressed because my only friend, Crystal, had ditched me - decided i was too young for her. I guess that's a common scenario, at least, Lynda Barry writes about doing it to someone else when she was young in her One Hundred Demons. maybe i figured i needed some changing. mostly, I felt guilty. I knew i was supposed to control my anger, I knew that I shouldn't lash out at my brother. it always embarrassed me, made me feel stupid and out of control. So i learned to control myself. My solution was to read I Corinthians 13 over and over again, every night, several times, until i memorized it (it's considered the love chapter, it describes love as not something you have but something you do, how to behave with love.) every month or so i would start trying to live a new verse - love is kind, love sufferes long, is patient, does not seek its own, etc. it worked - i became even nicer than i already was, and of course, got made fun of a bit for being so nice. but oh well, i was doing what i thought was right.
The biggest problem I ran into was football. my dad made me play football in seventh grade. I hated it, every second of it, and it tore me up inside - everything i was trying to do in order to be more like love, and therefore more like God, was against what I was supposed to do to be a good footbal player. you can't love someone and hit them, hoping to hurt them. I couldn't tell this to my parents or anyone - i knew they would laugh at me, but i was so shocked they would want me to be mean, to be angry, to want to hurt other people, when the Bible - something they taught me to be the absolute golden rule - taught me otherwise, very clearly.
Football is not the point though. I did succeed, by and large, in changing my life. almost too well. i haven't thrown my temper since then, in fact, i can't remember when i've ever acted out in rage since then. even in times when perhaps i should have . . . i was too young to realize that anger itself isn't necessarily wrong, it's uncontrolled anger, it's misdirected anger, etc. that hurt so much.
9:09 PM
Saturday, May 01, 2004
oh, oh, Salon.com wrote a big article on Stephin Merritt of The Magnetic Fields! you can see it if you want (www.salon.com -it's the main article), you have to watch an ad or something if you don't have a subscription, but it's not that big of a deal. it's fantastic, even though scary. scary to see one of my favorite artists highlighted like he's some big pop star, even though nobody knows him. i get jealous of my favorites and don't like too many people to know they are while at the same time loving to tell all of my friends about them ( probably something to do with feeling better than everyone else because i know the magnetic fields, but if everyone knows the magnetic fields, then, how can i be better than you?) but this is still so exciting.
i have to quote some though:
"I sit around in cafes and bars and write. I prefer to have music playing when I write, it's sort of like having white noise. If I don't have music playing, my mind wanders. It helps for it to be music that I don't particularly like. If I like it, I'm listening to it, and that's distracting," he says. "The best is boring thumping disco, which is easy to find in gay bars.""
and from the interviewer:
Stephin Merritt is a romantic who hides his romanticism, equally ineffectively, behind irony, wit, the synth-pop sheen of his productions, and his unfailingly jaded worldview.
yeah, i realize, i'm crazy. but there's no time to explain.
1:17 PM
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