words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Thursday, June 24, 2004
I peaked in my weight lifting early, around when I turned 16. i still lifted with my dad quite a bit, and his weight program was the best i ever used. He and I never really did max lifts though, so I can't completely guage how strong I was. I am fairly sure I did 385 pounds with him, but that would have been after a workout, so I imagine I was stronger than that. I've always told people 365 though because that's the most I ever did while in the football gym while it was documented. A guy one year younger than me did come along and surpass my strength by the time i was a senior. of course, he was 6'5, had twenty to forty pounds on me, and unfortunately had a dense head. During our workouts in the offseason, he (Jerry Wisne), an offensive lineman, Dennis Junker, and myself worked out together. i hated the arrangement because Wisne was so dull and Junker, well, he was one of the stuck-up crowd, rude, cruel, and ugly. Strangely though, Junker and I began to talk. I had wondered if he was actually intelligent but just hid it - his older brother had been an incredible athlete as well as a scholar, and I figured he had to have some brains. He did, carefully hid underneath his bad-boy image. We got along.
Perhaps the greatest thing about treating people with love and respect is the way they respond to it. There are some who mocked me for being so nice, but most softened to me. I've noticed many people who others thought were a jerk, were callous or self-interested, showed themselves to be good people around me. Junker surprised me. I didn't realize just how nice he could be until he defended me while lifting. An annoying guy whose name i don't remember heard me grumble something while doing squats. Because i was the goody-two-shoes of the team, this guy pounced on the grumble, saying I had just cussed, that for the first time, he had finally heard me cuss. I told him I hadn't, that it was just a grunt. He pestered and pestered, and I did my best to ignore him, but Dennis told him to shut up and get away from us, then turned around and said, "you didn't say it." It would have been more like Dennis to laugh with him at me, but he told him off, knowing it was a big deal to me. I've never been more shocked at a change in someone, and that one tiny bit of understanding has let me trust so many more people, hope that i could find the better parts of them.
I said before, the head coach, Lancaster, and I didn't get along. You could hear it in his voice when he yelled at me. I felt he could see through me, that I hated football and everything about it, that I couldn't want to hit guys like the rest of my team. I avoided him as much as possible, except for once, when I tried to change the situation. My dad and I had been talking about football, and in one of his rare understanding moments, he seemed to catch on that i didn't like it. He suggested that maybe I try another position, that defensive lineman was really all about hitting, that maybe as a linebacker, i could use my head more, and perhaps enjoy the game. Both of us should have realized it was too late in high school for me to be changing positions, that i would have to actually learn how the game worked instead of just the simple lineman plays. I don't know how I would have responded to that position - it was a leader's job, encouraging the team, making sure things went well. I may have taken on the leader's mantle, like I've done in other situations where someone put me there. I never wanted to be a leader, but when I was, I often did well. I spoke to Lancaster alone in his office, petrified. He had become my enemy, some physical embodiment of the distaste I had for the sport. Going to him felt like begging, letting him know that I was utterly miserable. But i did, asked him to change. he said no, he needed me on the line. I was one of the strongest and certainly the fastest on the line. He may have meant it as a compliment, i don't know. But he quashed the hope i had of making the situation better for myself.
Senior year, we were gonna win the state championship. Over half of our starting team in 92 became seniors in 93. Our team was ranked in the top 5 nationally. Towards the middle of the season, we moved up to a number one ranking, based on our record, our coach, our team. Every speech from the coach, every dinner the night before a game - the booster club held a dinner the night before every game at different local churches - held up the state championship for us to grab. I still didn't see this as a good thing. The more games we won, the longer the season would drag out. Football basically took over my life that fall; I barely had time for much else. "All it takes is all you got" was our slogan; the gramatically incorrect statement was everywhere, on the many t-shirts the booster club provided us, on banners around the school, and of course, in every speech. I was on the starting team and just relegated myself to the fact that we were gonna be playing into December, no matter what.
11:19 AM
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