words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Saturday, August 28, 2004
ABC News reports on a Republican party celebrating the life of Johnny Cash, but understands that there is a question in many people's minds about which party Cash would have stood for. His son says he would never have said and Roseanne Carter Cash says the estate supports the party because it is led by a friend of her father's but not because it supports the Republican agenda.
However, I think the article says it best with this quote,
"With a rough voice, Cash sang about the poor and the imprisoned. He said his black clothing symbolized the world's downtrodden people."
since when do Republicans care about the poor and the imprisoned? the world's downtrodden people? I would suggest Cash was not proud of either party and would hope that anybody who likes his songs would be more aware and more willing to help those Cash sang about.
2:11 PM
Friday, August 27, 2004
If I were only going to live for a few more years, if I didn't have to plan for the rest of my life, I wouldn't continue as I'm doing. I'd throw away most of the junk I've been holding on to, as if it matters to me, as if all this stuff really helps me get along. i wouldn't spend so much time alone, and I probably wouldn't work a bit. I imagine I'd wander around the country visiting friends of mine that i never get to see, that i tell myself are too expensive to visit. i wouldn't consider as many consequences, and i wouldn't dread getting older.
I don't want to imagine myself living forty more years. that's far too long - how could i possibly fill up that time? it's a weight on my head, thinking i have to live my life in such a way as to always have a job and back-up money in order to make it. i don't suppose this is up to me, whether i live two more years or forty, not unless I do something drastic. But, I wonder how much I can change the way I live my life. can i compromise, not waste efforts thinking i have to lay down plans for my life as if i can see the end and work towards it? can't it just do what i want to do now and if i look back and realize i've made a mistake understand that i didn't have full vision of the future?
I know what frightens me, making the same mistakes i've made in the past. i chose to play football for my dad and to reach the goals he said football would lead me towards. that was a bad decision, and i paid for it painfully. I chose to go to the air force academy to 'serve my country,' for the free education and to live in colorado. That was a bad decision, and I paid for that rather painfully as well. I'm not saying i didn't learn a lot from those mistakes, that I didn't gain quite a bit from the experiences. However, the pain greatly outweighs the benefits. I don't want to make such decisions any more. i want to choose things that will make me happy, that will help me help others.
I've put too different opportunities in front of me. I want to do them both, but i have to choose. i don't know where either will lead, I don't know which will make me happier. i really don't know how to make a decision. But i have to make it anyway, and soon. What i'm hoping is that it doesn't really matter. They're both good choices, and i'll be happy whatever I do. Nothing says I can't do one for the next couple of years and then move to the other, in that way, plan my next three years as if nothing's going to happen after that, then go through a rebirth and live a different life. I can't see further than that, so why should i strain my eyes trying?
11:51 AM
Friday, August 20, 2004
There's a new place two men or two women can go get married, The Gay and Lesbian Kingdom. Formerly known as Cato Island, The Isle of Heaven has an emperor, Dale, who is basically making a statement against Australia who may or may not own the island. the site is hilarious, and yet with a good political message.
12:05 PM
Thursday, August 12, 2004
she told me i've been a good son. i said, i'd tried, but she said i did more than just try, i was good to her and helped her and she knew it and was so glad for it. all the effort, all the work i've been doing, going to see her, calling her, putting up with her just to tell her i love with her. even though it frightened me, even though i wanted to accuse her of all sorts of things. it worked. just when i thought nothing in life works, when it seems that every effort fails, something i did worked. worked so well that when my mother needed to cry, she called me to cry in my ear.
please let those words replay in my ear everytime i wake up, let them paint over her past harsh words that hurt me for so many years.
11:40 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
I've been taking some time to think about what I should and shouldn't say here. which means i haven't said anything at all. I have character trait of analyzing problems to the last detail and ending up with inertia because i can't solve the differences.
how much of my personal life do i include here? there are stories i want to tell, about growing up, about my family that frighten me. it doesn't make sense unless you know what i'm talking about, and telling you enough to understand is exactly what frightens me. this may become a moot point soon. but i won't explain that, either.
i'd also like to talk about a picture. of course, talking about a picture isn't half as good as simply showing the picture. but again, i'm afraid. do i give up my anonymity? most bloggers have, are willing to post pictures of themselves. I don't want to use this blog to show off; i'm tired of using my body in the gay world to help me make friends, mainly because it's never worked. my body has made love, jealousy, desire, attention and intimidation, but it's never made me a friend. it's been dangerous and powerful, much more so than i first realized. i began growing my hair and keeping a short beard first because i had never done it before but secondly, to change, and to become a little less attractive. or at least, only attractive to a certain crowd. this new picture has made me attractive to many once again, and it frightens me. i don't want to trap myself again, be a slave to my own lust, to go out just to make people lust after me, to realize just how many men want me. it's unhealthy and surprisingly lonely.
Both of these problems though are a problem understanding my entire self. my family, the way i grew up, is a part of me. an important part of me that i usually avoid because i can't make sense of it, because i'm afraid to tell most people about it. my body is also me, although it's taken more getting used to than i can explain. it has a power of it's own, and i want that control back in my own hands. at some point, perhaps i have to let go, realize that i can't control everything, that i just have to be who i am, no matter how complicating and confusing my self is. but at the moment, i don't have the support i might need to lean on while dealing with such confusion. and i'm afraid to try anything too difficult on my own.
12:05 PM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
yes, I live in Missouri, and yes, I voted against amendment two which will now put a ban on same-sex marriage in the consitution because yes, it passed overwhelmingly. But I'm not as angry about it as some, though grateful to Jeff (aug 6) who wrote a letter to the Post-Dispatch after they outrageously said Missourians chose values on that tuesday, as if gay people don't have values, they just have lust. i completely expected the law to pass here, and most everywhere. after writing for target="blank"Queerday for almost a year, it's fairly obvious that most people hate us and many work to kill us. writing a ban on marriage, something we don't have anyway, into the constitution is not nearly as bad as keeping a law against us having sex, which was only overturned because of the grace of five people in the high court.
i'm moving anyway. missouri's never felt like much of a place to call home for me. i long for winter, a good solid winter with lots of snow and coats. i was thinking i would get it here, but i was way wrong. we've had three warm winters in a row, and i'm leaving. that, and friends are hard to come by in the anti-outsider city of St Louis. i'm always an outsider, so maybe i'll go somewhere where outsiders are appreciated, like NYC. but who knows about that.
12:37 PM
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