words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, August 27, 2004
If I were only going to live for a few more years, if I didn't have to plan for the rest of my life, I wouldn't continue as I'm doing. I'd throw away most of the junk I've been holding on to, as if it matters to me, as if all this stuff really helps me get along. i wouldn't spend so much time alone, and I probably wouldn't work a bit. I imagine I'd wander around the country visiting friends of mine that i never get to see, that i tell myself are too expensive to visit. i wouldn't consider as many consequences, and i wouldn't dread getting older.
I don't want to imagine myself living forty more years. that's far too long - how could i possibly fill up that time? it's a weight on my head, thinking i have to live my life in such a way as to always have a job and back-up money in order to make it. i don't suppose this is up to me, whether i live two more years or forty, not unless I do something drastic. But, I wonder how much I can change the way I live my life. can i compromise, not waste efforts thinking i have to lay down plans for my life as if i can see the end and work towards it? can't it just do what i want to do now and if i look back and realize i've made a mistake understand that i didn't have full vision of the future?
I know what frightens me, making the same mistakes i've made in the past. i chose to play football for my dad and to reach the goals he said football would lead me towards. that was a bad decision, and i paid for it painfully. I chose to go to the air force academy to 'serve my country,' for the free education and to live in colorado. That was a bad decision, and I paid for that rather painfully as well. I'm not saying i didn't learn a lot from those mistakes, that I didn't gain quite a bit from the experiences. However, the pain greatly outweighs the benefits. I don't want to make such decisions any more. i want to choose things that will make me happy, that will help me help others.
I've put too different opportunities in front of me. I want to do them both, but i have to choose. i don't know where either will lead, I don't know which will make me happier. i really don't know how to make a decision. But i have to make it anyway, and soon. What i'm hoping is that it doesn't really matter. They're both good choices, and i'll be happy whatever I do. Nothing says I can't do one for the next couple of years and then move to the other, in that way, plan my next three years as if nothing's going to happen after that, then go through a rebirth and live a different life. I can't see further than that, so why should i strain my eyes trying?
11:51 AM
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