words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, December 31, 2002
One last day of 2002. When's the next year we'll have a palindromatic number? This time last year seems like such a mercifully long time ago. It's hard to imagine how depressed I was the early months of this year. I can thank my last boyfriend for helping me out of that. I haven't spent a year in such thought for a long long time. haven't I grown this past year? I remember last year crying to the Rent song about how do you a measure a year. I would love to hear that song again, but the tape I had it on broke. this is not the place for tears though, not sitting at work. I could cry and cry, just to relieve myself of some of the stress I've had recently. yeah. I don't know if I've ever had as many tears as I have had this year. in some way though, that simply means that i've been expressing myself more than I ever have, less afraid to cry, more willing to share myself with other people. it helps you know, sharing yourself with other people, trusting them. I never knew that. but wow, how people have surprised me lately. the strength they lend me, the love they give me. this past year. one year is a long long time, and January first is hardly a dividing line for me. It's just a calendar date. just another change from night to day, like all the other ones out there. somehow, I've learned in the past year and some, that all things are unique, that every person is different and amazing, and a loss to us when he or she dies. A day, too, then, holds value beyond what we can understand. I can't spend all my time on it, can't focus on just the passing of a day. I'm not even sure we can spend enough time on the passing of one life. but maybe we can help keep lives around for another day or two. or another year.
10:37 AM
Not sure what to do with New Year's Eve tonight. probably just take my clothes off (courtesy of Bran Van 3000). or maybe hang out with my church friends. so many possibilities. i don't like spending much money on new year's though. the night usually isn't worth it. so maybe i'll do something low key and go out this weekend. i'm just glad i only have an hour or two at work until thursday.
I'm still trying to relax after yesterday. I didn't sleep well last night and am still feeling nervous about nothing in particular. maybe i do need to relax tonight! at least i have silly putty to keep me company. metallic silver color, even.
people said such good things about me yesterday at the hearing. I'm not sure I deserve it all, but I appreciate it, no doubt. maybe I'll start believing in myself more. wouldn't that be nice?
10:22 AM
Monday, December 30, 2002
so much has happened over the past week, my wonderful trip to south dakota to see Emily. My shoes are beautiful - i'll try to post a picture soon - my spirits are higher, christmas is finally over, and i have too much chocolate to handle.
more importantly, though, I had my hearing today over my conscientious objector claim with the Air Force. everything went very well. My lawyer was very nice and very knowledgeable (I had only talked to her on the phone and over email previously). The investigating officer, Major X, was incredibly friendly, concerned, and understanding. my witness from the Quaker meeting was fantastic in her ability to summarize Quaker theology and my role in the meeting. The two officers he chose said good things about me - my former boss said he would have rated me excellently had he written me a performance report and my friend brian supported me very nicely. my lawyer said I did a good job answering questions - mostly from her. She had grilled me the night before on all possible questions, and when she finished her questions during the hearing, the major only had a few of his own to clarify things. I wasn't nearly as nervous as I could have been, and although I'm certainly tired and glad it's over, I'm pleased with the result. The Major did say he felt my claim was valid and saw me as sincere. he will write that in the report this week with a positive recommendation, and we'll send it up after I review it in about a week. It will easily take two to three months, but it looks good so far.
thanks so much for your concern and care, well wishes, and love. I feel so blessed and loved by so many people, so strong in what i'm doing because you have all backed me up. i'm going to take a nap now because today wore me out.
3:45 PM
Monday, December 23, 2002
The New York Times Magazine published an article, Quiescient Objector, by Troy Melhus. This is the first article I've seen published about conscientious objection. Unfortunately, it's about a man who should have objected during the Gulf War but didn't, instead got out on a medical discharge. I would love to see something about a more current event. Still, it's nice to see some press about it. I wrote them a short note about what I'm doing, reserving my name so I don't get any extra attention. I am so glad to see others who agree with me on a national level.
I'm off to South Dakota to visit my friend Emily tomorrow. Strange, it's going to snow here but not there. I'm missing out again. But I can foresee much fun happening while I'm up there. We might paint a pair of my shoes, hang out with her puppets, see beautiful sunsets, visit all kinds of random places and people. one never knows, but I'm bringing my camera.
Merry Christmas!
10:06 AM
Friday, December 20, 2002
Minneapolis ranks 11th in the creative class index done by Richard Florida. Whether or not you believe that a city's creative class furthers its growth, it's nice to know that someone has already done research on how much diversity a city has. Does that settle my decision? It stregthens Minneapolis' case, but of course, San Francisco ranks number 1. I'm pretty sure Toronto is up high as well. So why Minneapolis. Snow. That may honestly be the biggest reason. I could choose Denver, but I've been there before, and that's a really conservative state. San Francisco would feel as if i'm spoiling myself, giving into that california dream that I tried to break from when I asked to leave. It would be so easy. Is easy bad? I've always believed so. Why else did I go to USAFA? Last time I was in San Francisco, I let myself admit that I really really wanted to move there. Why was I trying to keep that secret from myself? Is it because so many gay men want to move to SF and you dont' want to be like everybody? (yes) Is it because you are scared of letting yourself dream too much (yes) Is it because you'd be embarrassed to return to California as if you're abandoning the midwest (yes). Then again, there are great reasons to move to Minneapolis. It's cold, there's a thriving community of all sorts there. It's beautiful, and I have loved it since I saw it the first time when I was maybe 12, driving to a canoeing trip to Canada with my dad. My friend Emily plans on moving there soon, and she's already taught in Minnesota, so she knows what strings to pull. Is this like choosing broccoli over french fries? somehow I feel more responsible if I move to Minneapolis, like I'm adding to them, whereas SF would just absorb me. Even Emily told me Minneapolis needs me more than SF. Maybe this is a step towards Toronto as well, which seems to difficult to do immediately, when I don't even have education credits. I want to move to both places. People tell me this is the best time to move to SF because the rent is actually reasonable. Minneapolis will always be there. So will SF, and when I was there last, I was way too young anyhow compared to most people I met - why not wait five or ten years? but this is my golden age, right? this is my first chance to be free, out of the military, out of my parents' grabbing hands, out of control.
Still, this is a minor worry. I'm just focusing on this because I cant' do anything about the other worry, leaving the military. that, and everyone wants to know, what are you doing? where are you going? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
10:39 AM
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
I probably didn't explain myself very well in my last point, caught up in the emotion of it all. frankly, I don't feel like it right now. Sleep sounds much more desirable. In fact, I'm too tired to have any meaninful discussion with myself. i have way too much Christmas junk to do before I get to sleep. bah humbug.
3:54 PM
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
As much as I love Lord of the Rings, I had a terrible time reading the books. The anti-war feelings that began to grow in me over last winter while I read those books clashed sharply with LOTR's thirst for violence and killing all the 'evil ones.' I hated the simplicity of Tolkien's characters, either good or bad, only a few lost people like Saruman who changed from one side to the other. Every orc was a bad orc, and nobody cared if they died. I couldn't help but relate this to Iraq - that the only thing that mattered in that country was to kill Saddam, no matter if all the iraqis died. They weren't worth anything anyway, right? Nobody I've spoken to about this understands my point of view, that Tolkien was an enemy of progress who always looked back to what once was with the idea that it will never be as good then. But through all three books, you come across ancient monuments of the prior civilization, the huge statues that guarded the way into man's lair, all built by dead hands because nobody living could do that any more. That kind of thought sickens me. It says that all the progress we have made is worthless, that the very fact I can walk down the street holding hands with a man is worthless compared to the beautiful cathedrals people once built. I love cathedrals, too, and I marvel at what we used to do. But look at what we can do now. Look at how many friends i have across the country that i communicate with daily. i wouldn't have many friends if it weren't for all these people. Is the internet not a beautiful cathedral itself, built in the most egalitarian manner where everyone can add a brick to the mortar? It has done so much for us, and while it carries its own sources of problems, I am so much happier with it than I was before. I don't disagree with the naive charm of a letter; i still write them all the time. But I would never give up email for its immediacy. This article, in Salon.com fully searches the world Tolkien was glorifying, and how contrary it is to our future. Here's a great paragraph: "Obsession with either past or future can almost define a civilization. Worldwide, most cultures believed in some lost golden age when people knew more, mused loftier thoughts and were closer to the gods -- but then fell from grace. Under this dour but recurrent worldview, men and women of a later, coarser era can only look back with envy, hearkening to remnants of ancient wisdom.
Recognize this motif? It drenches every page of "Lord of the Rings." It is the old classic, the eternal verity -- the worst of all human clichés."
another: "Or, as Lev Grossman put it in his Time essay:
'Popular culture is the most sensitive barometer we have for gauging shifts in the national mood, and it's registering a big one right now. Our fascination with science fiction reflected a deep collective faith that technology would lead us to a cyberutopia of robot butlers serving virtual mai tais. With 'The Two Towers,' the new installment of the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy, about to storm the box office, we are seeing what might be called the enchanting of America. A darker, more pessimistic attitude toward technology and the future has taken hold, and the evidence is our new preoccupation with fantasy, a nostalgic, sentimental, magical vision of a medieval age. The future just isn't what it used to be -- and the past seems to be gaining on us.'"
"Instead of railing against "evil," try to understand it. That's always been the best way to defeat it."
This all makes me sound like a liberal lover of all people. but wait, I am, and if I read about the life of Jesus correctly, so was he, a lover of the thieves and the prostitutes, the people who had lost their way. He understood them and helped them, instead of condemning to die like much of the religious right would like to do.
Is there enough empathy and love in us for everyone? even those who hurt us, use us, attack us? I hope so. I have to find it in myself first.
12:08 PM
Monday, December 16, 2002
St Louis has a marathon in April. I'm considering racing in the half version. I have attempted half marathons in the past, but I got thwarted every time. Once, the race coordinators told us the day of the race that they had shortened the trail run to 11 1/2 miles because people got lost when they made it 13.1. Another time, my knee started bothering me, and I took time off to let it heal. I even trained for a half-ironman which includes a half marathon as the last leg, but I didn't do that because i got mono two weeks before. So even though this would be my first half marathon, I have trained for them before. I haven't trained for a race since summer of last year. I miss it. The 5k I raced in on Friday (i placed 3rd) was a good reminder of how much fun I have at races, even if it's sleeting and I know nobody there. I think I'll start training now, and if all goes well over the next month, I'll make it official by registering. I just want to have a good month of solid training before I commit myself to something I may not want to do. Yes, this is normal for me, a way of decision-making that puts it off until the last minute, a way of seeing too many conflicting possibilities. It's a wonder I ever do anything, and always a slow process.
Two weeks until my hearing. I would explain more about the hearing and what would happen, but I'm not entirely sure. I will be questioned, but I don't know if I'm bringing witnesses, and I'm pretty sure I don't have to prepare much of anything. I'm not even sure if there's a judge or jury, just that there will be an investigating officer and that it is not an adversarial trial. I'm not too concerned, actually. I'm not sure if this is overconfidence, a sense of peace, or a feeling of having kept my hand in the hot water so long that my nerves stopped telling my brain about the pain. I know that running and biking have always been a way to clear my head, and I think that re-introducing one of them into my life could be excellent therapy.
by the way, peaches still give me a sugar rush, and I break out in laughter, as if it were a rash.
1:46 PM
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Jhames, you've forced me to write another blog. A 2002 collection? As much music as I might buy during one year, I don't always buy new albums, so it's hard to compile something from just the past year. if I were really up to it, I would compile a list of music that affected me in the past year, regardless of when i bought it and how old it is.
Still, here is a list of albums that did come out in 2002 that I love:
The Flaming Lips :::::: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (yes, this is first on my list for a reason)
Ladytron :::: Light and Magic
Cassius :::: Au Reve
Kinky ::::: (untitled)
Joan Osbourne :::::: How Sweet it Is
Sigur Ros ::::: ( )
The Roots ::::: phrenology
Meshell Ndegeocello :::::: Cookie: the Anthropological Mixtape
Dot Allison ::::: We Are Science
listen in
12:02 PM
I've had so much goodness lately. Another quick visit from A, good food (yes, that includes the take-out chinese we ate at home on michael's futon), the 5k I ran on base Friday in which I placed third and which reminded me of how much I love to race (maybe I'll do the half version of the St. Louis marathon in April), the visit to the Pulitzer Foundation for the Arts built by Tadao Ando, and on and on. Today is a make-up day. I have missed so much time with my notebook that I need to write many things. Blogging never really counts for me. Sometimes I do say interesting things, but it all comes out too quickly - I type too quickly to really set down my thoughts. Writing with pen and paper is my favorite way to explore my head. So I'll think a lot today, cook for the week, play some jazz - Chet Baker is keeping me company right now - lounge around and try to decide where to go for Christmas. I'm not too excited about it, actually. Both possibilities (my brother or my friend Emily and her family) seem far too difficult. But then, the prospect of flying makes me want to just stay home. I'm not afraid of flying, I just don't like the incredible hassle. I much prefer to pack up my car and drive, but only if it's under 6 hours. mmm, yeah, i could really use a long drive, sitting in my car and thinking, singing to the music, dreaming, and watching the road. would that my brother lived in Tulsa instead of Oklahoma City. It's two hours closer. and prettier. happy middle of December, hope your shopping is farther along than mine.
11:27 AM
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Thanks to the so many people who have been supportive of my conscientious objection decision. The Quakers, my religious community, wrote a wonderful letter of support for my upcoming hearing. I feel so loved:
"Stephen has been worshipping with us for the past two years. The decision to explore conscientious objector status came after much searching and prayer. He requested a clearness committee, a process used by Friends to make serious decisions, that met with him to discern his feelings and beliefs. We are convinced of the sincerity of this decision and support him. His position on war and violence is an integral part of his Christianity. We believe that his decision to leave the Air Force is a spiritual leading coming from a principled position that war is contrary to the teachings of Christ."
I knew, of course, they would support me, but how powerful it is to see that in writing, to be able to show myself, always the doubter, yes, you have many people behind you, many people to lean on, who strenghen your decision.
I don't believe choosing CO is necessarily religious. Although my decision does come from my religious beliefs, I know that many people object to war based on their own philosophies and ethics, which fortunately, the Air Force recognizes as well. I am glad that all kinds of different people object to war, regardless of their faith. I hope we encourage people to think about their own support and involvement with war.
12:41 PM
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
yes! I measured 11% body fat today testing in the Bod Pod, an air displacement machine. That means that the ten pounds i gained while working out last winter and spring and which never left me over this summer of swimming and running are still muscle and not turned to fat! i still feel like a big boy at 205 lbs, but if it's only 11% fat, that's great by me. I will never get under that unless I return to doing triathlons like i used to. Even then, it's not guaranteed, and there's really not much difference between 8 and 11%. Quite happy then, like one of those, "I'm taking care of myself" feelings.
3:32 PM
I love walking into a music store and hearing something you love and would never expect to hear. I was at Borders, which i wouldn't even consider a music store, last night, hoping desperately to find a Betty Hutton cd for my mother since it's not available anywhere. From the loudspeakers, I heard The Flaming Lips new album, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots." How? Who? What a surprise! I got a chance to talk to the staff guy, who had actually put the cd in, so we had a good chat about the band, their last album, the way they're able to dress up in animal suits during the concert and still say something more important and long-lasting than most bands i know. The song "do you realize?" still haunts me from when I first heard it playing from my record player. But to hear it at Borders? i love such random juxtaposition of worlds, the highly commercial mainstream store playing the indie bizarre little band from Norman, OK, where my brother went to college and I probably should have followed. But now I'm here, and somehow still listening to The Flaming Lips. Different though my life might have been, it might have turned out somehow the same.
12:45 PM
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Yes, I've taken Meyers-Briggs tests before, but I had always forgotten how they explained me. I took it again, and I'm grateful for their explanation. Funny, instead of feeling special for being an INFP, only 1% of the population, I feel wrong for being different. What times in my life have I not felt wrong for being different? As a kid, I read instead of playing sports. As a teenager, I hated the sport I played, football, wishing that I could somehow like it. I never liked girls and couldn't explain to myself why. In college, I was just bizarre compared to the rest of the USAFA clones, my music, my words, my sense of being. I almost sort of fit in when I found the gay crowd after college, but even then, I had strange habits. By that time, I had begun to count myself as good for being different though. Most of my life, I have wavered back and forth between being proud of my differences or seeking to hide them. I hid so much from my parents, I got to be an expert early on. And now, have I learned much? hide the fact that you dont' fit in with the military, hide the fact that you're interested in this or that, dont' let even your friends know about your family, etc. so many things I wouldn't tell people about because I felt so incredibly different. I suppose most of us have that problem to an extent, but I'm glad to have someone (yes, you know who you are) finally point out the fact that I have long not loved myself enough because I'm so different, trying to mediate myself to the norm while still hoping to stand out.
iNFp is what they made me out to be, a healer idealist. "Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the iNFps. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK." I never had a more solid brother, but I only fit my parents mold when I forced myself into it and pretended I liked it.
"Then, when iNFps believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the iNFp, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public"
Yes, yes, and yes to this. I remember how I used to chastise myself for masturbation in high school. I would force myself to do all sorts of mental tasks for punishment, would think that every ill in my life was deserved because of what I was doing. Even now, I know well how to punish myself, and I can't tell you how often that means I eat a very boring plate of food, keeping one chocolate bar in my cupboard for months because I'm ashamed to actually eat it.
wow, self-realization. Can I take some of this, factor it into my life, change and grow?
1:01 PM
I don't think there is anything much better than sleep. I know that so many people say you can sleep later or that they'll just take caffeine, but I'm a sleepaholic. it's better than food, drink, most of my friends, even sex most of the time. i don't think there's much that i would rather do. or rather, i know that sleeping enough makes my whole life five times better than it is. it's like a bonus pack in some adventure game where it increases your health, your wealth, and all the red to green bars that you have to watch. if death is just a long sleep, i'm not very afraid.
8:32 AM
Monday, December 09, 2002
i felt that panic again this morning. that "I'm going to work again" panic where my weekend was so good i forgot who i was, that i'm not really allowed to feel so free and comfortable. Putting my uniform on, i still felt felt half alive, and the two worlds clashed, military and civilian. i forgot to breathe, couldn't quite see out of my eyes, and my stomach cramped. I'm disappointed actually. Although I'm not sure what over. I used to have this problem quite often, once, maybe several times a month back in Sacramento. I'm not sure if I learned to breathe, or if I found a way to reduce my panic. I haven't had many of those mornings at this base. Maybe I just haven't felt very free on the weekends until this past one. Or maybe it was that my friend A. is here in town. Waking up with someone has always been difficult, knowing I have to put that mask on while he is still present. yeah, i'm getting nervous just thinking about it. I thought maybe I had learned how to conquer this paranoia, thought I had grown out of it or stronger than it. No, I will have to wait until I am gone, until I separate from the military. I can't be stronger than this, can't let go of my paranoia because I still have reason to fear.
9:00 AM
Thursday, December 05, 2002
snow, cold wind, winter, december. all these things should cheer me up, have cheered me up for moments, but then other things drag me down. maybe i just need to go outside more often and see it, feel it. the hard worlds of buildings we've developed around us work too well. but i had a run yesterday, yes, i ran while it was snowing, had that cold wind in my face with snot running from my nose and snow under my feet. but when i turned around, the wind was with me, and i felt my body heat working as if turned on high, suddenly warmed like someone's body next to mine. and then, it was quiet, and the snow muffled even my footfalls. yoko ono said, "listen, the snow is falling." All the times in Colorado I used to watch the snow fall out my window, for twenty minutes on end, staring at the snow falling on the trees, the hills, the cars, and lightposts. oh, don't even take me back to those times. i can't handle that emotion right now, it's too good for me, too powerful to remember how the snow fell like a haven on top of my accursed school. all my problems smothered with snow, and i somehow floating on top of it as if i were wearing snoeshoes, drifting through the flakes, turning whiter and whiter. no, it will never snow that much here, but at least it's winter, and I can put my scarf and coat on before walking outside, can love the heat of the car as it warms up, layer my bed with blankets upon blankets. the snow covers everything, doesn't it?
1:53 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Song list for Emily's cd:
"A Day of the Week"
Party Weirdo ::::::::::: Moloko
I'll Be Around ::::::::::: Joan Osborne
Sudden Stop ::::::::::: Percy Sledge
Shine Like Stars ::::::::::: Primal Scream
The Sun Rising ::::::::::: The Beloved
Eight Years Old ::::::::::: Ben Lee
In The City In The Rain ::::::::::: The 6ths
That's Not Me ::::::::::: The Beach Boys
She Thinks She's Edith Head ::::::::::: They Might Be Giants
Indigo blues ::::::::::: LLORCA with NICOLE GRAHAM
Believe ::::::::::: gusgus
French Lessons ::::::::::: Metrovavan
Feeding yourself dis ::::::::::: Flaming Lips
Love's Theme (Saint Etienne Mix) ::::::::::: PIZZICATO FIVE
Toujours L'Amore ::::::::::: Dimitri from Paris
20 Years ::::::::::: Cassius
Bug Rain ::::::::::: Looper
Waiting [Reprise] ::::::::::: George Michael
anybody interested?
9:45 PM
Monday, December 02, 2002
I went to bed early last night, wanting sleep, not wanting to deal with life. of course, i had a bit of difficulty falling asleep while thoughts of my mother's latest harsh words about applying for CO replayed in my head. What should I have said, how will these words haunt me? And then, whiskers tickled my nose; my rat Susie had managed to jump onto the bed without me paying attention and she found my face soon enough. Thanks Susie, for the reminder of all the love out there, maybe not from the expected sources (as Bjork might say), but from all kinds of people, animals, and sometimes just the world at large. Sometimes, you don't even have to look.
6:13 PM
Sunday, December 01, 2002
Mother,
i wanted to send a copy of my application for conscientious objection because I wanted to try and explain why I am doing this. I wasn't sure that you and I would talk about it enough over the phone for you to understand. i have spent more time and effort on this application than i have on anything in a long time. It doesn't explain everything, but it may give you a better picture of my reasons. I know my decision does not fit with the way you hoped I would live my life, but I feel strongly that I must do this; i have no doubt that God is leading me in this direction.
I love you very much and I hope we can both learn to accept each other for the choices we have made. i have thought and prayed over this decision more than any other, and I cannot be more proud of myself for following what I feel is right. I miss you, but have felt intimidated to see you very often, afraid you will judge me too harshly. Maybe, in that, I am judging you too harshly, that i am not giving you a chance. Again, i hope we can solve that problem. Please read my answers to the Air Force's questions. I hope in some way you can understand why I chose to act on my beliefs and live more honestly.
Love, Stephen
3:55 PM
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