words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, March 31, 2003
yes, i spoke yesterday, spoke with all the passion i may have ever had in my life, all coming out at one time. how am i able to do this? who have i become, and who will i be? before i speak, i run through ideas of what to say, how to speak anything, and although a few sentences come out, i mostly go through ideas too large to actually speak to. i am nervous, afraid of standing up, afraid of my own voice which i expect to betray me, my own mind, which usually holds such confidence. yet, not for the first time, i stood with the microphone in my hand, speaking not with my usual temerity and all-too quiet voice, but with the confidence and loudness of someone i wasn't aware of, someone within me who is speaking, who is better able to combine words and thoughts into understanding, passion, and energy. if i heard myself, i'm not sure i would believe it, or remember; i wonder if that was really me on the podium yesterday. people kept coming up to talk to me, as if they recognized me from the person at the podium, but i'm not so sure. i want to be that person, want to have that strength and ability, but when i look in the mirror, i have trouble believing it. somehow, it worked, people told me i am getting better and better; people i know and trust have told me i did a good job, people have hugged me out of the blue, warmed me with their support and passion. i'm telling myself this as a reminder that it did happen, that i can't walk on with my life as if it didn't, that i should know I have done a good job.
8:38 PM
Friday, March 28, 2003
Salon.com reported this article:
[from] Saudi Arabia, editorial in the Arab News
I have edited it, but the full text is in either link above.
"As the Iraqi war moves into its eighth day, what is most extraordinary are the absurd and unrealistic expectations that people have had of it. That goes not only for public opinion, the media and politicians in the US, but also for armchair pundits across the world. Regardless of which side people support, if indeed they support either, they have apparently been astonished by Iraq's resistance and the battering the Americans and British have taken. Even those who support Saddam Hussein never really expected the war to be anything but clinical and short. They, too, thought that Iraqi cities would fall like ninepins, that Iraqi troops would desert en masse and that allied forces arrive in Baghdad virtually unscathed. Certainly that is what Americans had been led to think. If truth be told, so did most Arabs, even those who hoped that the US would be humiliated.
That people have been so shocked and amazed by pictures of dead or captured US soldiers and helicopters shot down says much about the unreal world we now live in. We have allowed ourselves to be mesmerized and anaesthetized by the virtual reality of fantasy movies and computer games where the worst that can affect us is mere sensation. We have had a reality by-pass. But this war is for real ... and real wars are never clinical and bloodless, let alone one-sided.
The reality of war is always death and destruction. It always spews out dead bodies ... torn, twisted and charred bodies ... and legions of injured and maimed. It always creates prisoners of war. It always leaves in its wake homes reduced to rubble, lives blighted, families destroyed. It always brings suffering and misery, disease and hunger. It is not a computer game or a movie where, when it is over, we can get up and go and have a meal and a laugh. It is horrible and evil ... which is why it must always be the very last resort ... something that so many governments, so many people, told Washington and London, but something that they ignored ... so convinced were they that it could be played and won with computer-like efficiency.
In real wars, soldiers bleed, soldiers die, no matter which side they are on. In real wars, nothing ever goes quite to plan. And in this real war, the US made another grave miscalculation: It forgot that for all that the Iraqis fear and hate the regime under which they suffer, they are patriots ... and patriots are always at their toughest when defending their homeland. "
1:19 PM
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Do you know what it's like to do something so unusual, so radical, that you yourself call it into question every day, as if, what am i doing here, and why am i doing this? am i right? am i crazy? are they all crazy? why do i see things they don't, or do they see things i don't? yes, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. most of you have come out as gay at some time. maybe it was easier on you than it was for many of us, but i'm coming out all over again. and it hurts. it hurts like i don't know how because I want to be so angry at the world around me for doing this, for not agreeing with me, for stigmatizing me and the rest of us who feel that war is always evil and always unnecessary. i forget how it hurts sometimes, push it aside when people talk to me about it, pretend it doesn't hurt so bad. like that tattoo i have, did it hurt? no, not really, just felt like someone pressing a sharp knife into my skin and scraping it along the bone into the pattern i now permanently have. yes it hurt, and i'm having another pattern etched onto my bones right now, except this one isn't taking only ten minutes, this one has taken almost two years, and every day i am reminded of the pain of that knife digging into me, the knife i asked for, am paying for with my job, my livelihood, my family.
no, i don't want you to feel my pain. i want you to feel light and happy, hoping that i am doing something so maybe you don't have to. it doesn't work that way most of the time.
i don't know what the ends are to my actions. i know what i am doing is right and the only times i am unsure is when i am too cowardly to face the truth. usually, i am too strong for that, and i trust myself enough to know that i would never do something this drastic without the full assurance that this has to be done. but don't let me fool you. it hurts.
6:43 PM
I have agreed to speak again on Sunday, at another local peace rally. I am less scared this time, and also less excited. I've been told a nonviolent stand must be taken without regard to efficacy, but with only the sense that opposing violence is good and just. I've been told that nonviolence as a life starts in the heart, that I must abandon all ill will against people and instead regard them with active love. I have been working on that for years and have good reason to expect that to forever be a struggle within me. So I am speaking this time, to hold up my light, to proclaim the good in everyone, to express my love towards all of humanity, though it is still short, though I am nowhere near as loving as I wish to be, though I am unsure of every part of my future. Not because I think it will do any good, but because I know it to be good in itself. Ghandi told me that the ends are the means. Since we can never be sure about the end results of anything we do, we must be completely sure about the means we use. What matters is what we work towards; if we work towards the right things, the ends will take care of themselves, however that may happen. I don't claim to fully understand this, but it resonates within me, as if I understand the undertones of it, and will eventually come to understand the whole of it. I have never needed so much courage; I have never felt so alive.
6:22 PM
Monday, March 24, 2003
do you have a light? something inside of you that knows what's right and what's good. yes, i know it's there, in each of us, even if we hide it. if i show you mine, will you show me yours? i won't laugh, i won't criticize, i'll just enjoy the glow. maybe we'll understand each other a bit more, maybe be able to get along a bit more easily. maybe, if we put our lights together, we can shine a bit brighter, hoping that others might do the same. every social movement has started this way, with a few brave people sharing their light with each other, strong enough to stand up against criticism, strong enough to hold to the principles they worked towards. show your light, hold it up to others, and believe me, they'll come to share theirs.
10:26 PM
Friday, March 21, 2003
I spoke again last night, as good a speech as i may have ever made. i told my boss beforehand, that i felt like i should speak. I'm still waiting for some kind of retribution, but hoping none is coming. We had over one thousand there last night, which for st louis, is a rather large crowd. Bill Ramsey of Instead of War introduced me as conscientiously objecting from the military to a crowd who cheered and applauded and hooted my name, yes some knew me already, some my quaker friends, some i have met more recently, some through the gay youth group i used to mentor for, and yes, i started to tear up as they cheered, so thankful for their support, maybe even for their acceptance. never in my life have i felt more tears so close to my eyes as in the past six months. but it was good, and though I'm scared today for my future, i think I'm going to be all right; I don't know what will happen, but i think i will be all right.
11:33 AM
Thursday, March 20, 2003
I will not stay silent.
5:45 PM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
The teacher I despised the most in college, an English teacher of all things, taught me nonetheless an important lesson. Words don't work very well. Instead of directly explaining what we have on our mind, we end up using countless words in our blustered attempts. Sometimes you have to act, instead. Maybe all the time we should act, and words just help us to act.
I'm struggling to decide whether I will act, if the bombing starts before 7:30 CST and the peace rally meets downtown. Of course, the acting that I might do is speaking, using words. I've spoken anonymously for quite a while, four months since I first publicly spoke against the war. I've been itching to speak again since that day. Will I defy my commander's order if i do this? Will i place myself in jeopardy? is it worth it? I don't know. I've been furiously trying to answer those questions for a long time. Maybe I won't know until the moment before.
during the first Iraq war, the US military jailed 30 conscientious objectors. I don't know if they didn't fill out their paperwork right, if they caused other problems, or if they were just over in iraq already, and therefore in the way. Yes, unless they had committed some crime, the jailings were against military law. doesn't mean it won't happen again.
No, I don't know. all those questions i can feel you asking me, I don't know the answer to. I'm working, praying, thinking, wondering, searching.
3:00 PM
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Look around you, see our beauty, the trees, the hills, mountains, rivers, oceans. see our wealth, our incredible prosperity and ability to do most anything we want. look at our resources, look at our spirit. god has blessed america in so many ways. look at the rest of the world. some countries have beauty, some have great spirit and resources, some have wealth also. which of them has all of them? yes, we have many blessings. instead of asking god to bless us more, when will we start blessing the rest of the world? not because we are god, but because we have so much to give, and we want to be like god, who gave so much to us. bless the world with all that you have, your voice, your strength, your wit, your beauty, your freedom. Recognize that we have so much but instead of hoarding it, or degrading those who do not have it, maybe we can share it. i don't need as much as i have. do you? hard to give it away, i know. we want to control how it is used. don't use it for sex, or drugs, use it to better yourself so that i don't have to give you anymore. but then, if we control those to whom we give, how is that giving? that's buying. go on, give your heart away.
3:35 PM
Last night while at the library, I heard shouts and drums banging outside. I ran out to find a small peace rally walking up and down Grand ave, the same street used in the summer for the gay pride parade. i joined it, of course, awed to have stumbled into it, frustrated that I hadn't heard in the first place. I talked to a few people, tried to find out who they were, what motivated them to be there. I found several friends from the Quaker meeting to hug. Have you ever attended a rally, have you ever been a part of a collective voice? It will never prove that you are right or wrong; if you're marching, you're most likely in the minority. But what a minority to be a part of, what power in community, what emotional stamina flows through you walking in a crowd of like-minded people. man can not live on bread alone; such events, such cameraderie feeds us for far longer than one meal. and i didn't eat alone.
11:43 AM
Monday, March 17, 2003
you all know what's happening. what has frightened me and enboldened me into a different life, what has changed every familiar direction in me, may well happen this week, today tomorrow, i don't know. can you feel my heart beating, my fingers twitching, my eyes clouding over? i suppose, as the president said, the time for talking is over. what am i going to do now. what are you going to do now? no, the world won't end, good won't disappear. but my world may well end, even if it is a world i am not fond of. maybe this is just a step, into something else. the past six months have been a hibernation, where i have wrapped myself up in silk, changing, changing inside and out, into something i am unfamiliar with. it's spring isn't it? time for growth and change and earth-shaking rain. let me weather it, and be stronger than i was before, maybe able to fly.
8:40 AM
Sunday, March 16, 2003
Ingredients:
onion, water, bell pepper,
garlic, tomato, mushroom;
heat, cumin, creativity.
Ingredients:
skin, muscle, black bile,
bone, water, mucus;
feeling, cognizance, love.
what will you make of them?
7:27 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
The worms are out again! yes, the rain worshippers who end up on the sidewalks, as if they've rehydrated out of the cracks, dot the concrete today. We had a lovely large rain last night, the first good rain in a while. today is spring, the first official day of it, regardless of what the calendar says. we may have a few more frigid days, and i will relish them for being allowed more time with my turtlenecks and scarves, but spring has largely arrived, proved by the worms on the sidewalks who know better than to come out in the snow or the sleet. Yes, this means summer is unfortunately on its way as well, but perhaps i will be somewhere a bit cooler for summer this year, away from the putrid humidity of st louis. and even though i won't see snow for another six to eight months, I may well be in a position for more snow next year (i suppose I mean this winter, but somehow that still seems like next year), all the more worth the wait. come around, spring, I'll welcome you this time, I'll thank the worms for their appearance, for the memories of rainy days and young giggles, times when it doesn't matter what's happening in the world, so long as the earth is still alive, still itself.
9:31 AM
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
I've mentioned him before, but since I've found another article (and I'm on the subject of heroes), I'll mention Jonathan "Yoni" Ben-Artzi again. He's worth a read and some positive thoughts. He goes before his full court-martial today.
1:18 PM
Another hero to praise, Eli Pariser, only twenty-two and awfully good looking, seems to be one of the invisible heads of the anti-war movement. How far will he lead the future? What effect will his power have on the world? Even without thinking of his future, what he's already done is quite amazing. What big shoes I have to fill.
10:07 AM
Monday, March 10, 2003
If you can argue that regime change for Iraq is the only way to find peace, I would suggest another argument that might create more peace. You could say that Saddam Hussein in power is a threat to the United States. I would argue that Ariel Sharon in power is a more dangerous threat to the United States. Israel has repeatedly broken UN resolutions by continuing their settlements/occupation in the West Bank, by barricading out the Palestinians so they cannot work or find any means to support themselves. So long as this continues and the Palestinians have no recourse for their lives, some of them will continue to give up their lives in hope of terrorizing Israel so much that they stop terrorizing Palestinians. Few people sympathize with those who would blow themselves up in the middle of a crowd, but I would argue that we should at least worry about why they deem this the most important act of their life.
Again, as long as Israel acts so aggressively and illegaly against the Palestinians, they will have to accept terrorism attacking them. As long as the United States consistently supports and funds Israel in their debauchery, we will also have to accept the possibility of terrorism hitting us. It seems to make sense that if Israel changed their leadership and began to treat the Palestinians as humans, the terrorism would at least lessen (who can say whether people who have been enraged enough to kill themselves and others will ever listen to arguments for peace?)
With that argument, Ariel Sharon's leadership is much more dangerous to us than Saddam Hussein's. Although Hussein may give money to the terrorist's families, do you believe that the terrorists are doing this so their family can have money after they are dead? Which one of us has agreed to give up our lives so our families can have a lump sum of money? The people who enter our military are ready to give up their lives for much more intellectual and theoretical ideas such as valor, nationalism, and martyrhood.
Unfortunately, Israel doesn't agree with me, and they have elected more and more conservatives who will continue their current policy. The same is happening in our country. So instead of working for the difficult but peaceful ways to protect ourselves, we prefer to take the easy route of war. Will the Arabs perceive our war as further terrorism against them? Will it enflame their rage? In a way, that doesn't matter. Regardless of how the survivors react, we are still responsible for those we kill in an attempt to keep ourselves from such death.
10:02 AM
Friday, March 07, 2003
we are not all that we should be, are we?
12:49 PM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Art comes from everywhere. The world changes, hardens, tries its best to encapsulate art, keep it in a museum, or even shut it off completely. No matter. Just like steam, art escapes out of best shut artifices. Tell us we can't read anti-war poetry in the White House, we'll multiply ourselves and read it everywhere else; tell us we can't criticize the country, we'll keep our mouths shut and take our clothes off to speak our minds; tell us we have to show all of our belongings, we'll make art out of the pictures you take. If we have to write in our own blood, we'll keep making art.
3:24 PM
Soul and blues always seem to sing away my frustrations. there's a sorrow to Percy Sledge and Solomon Burke that carries not the victimhood of country but the full weight of knowing you have caused your own problems to add to what was already there. When I hear their voices, their ability to understand such pain soothes my own. Those voices remember the beauty in the world, no matter what troubles surround us. songs continue to play, clouds still pass over my head, shielding me from that oh so bright sun my eyes just can't handle. Play it again for me, your deep bass is a pair of arms wrapped around me, saying, I know you've done wrong, but you can right it again, I believe in you and will pass my hope and confidence to you. Let me hear the passion and the grit in your voice, the knowledge that life is hard, and the only real hope is in each other. yes, warm me again.
1:48 PM
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
"We have not seen such systematic distortion of intelligence, such systematic manipulation of the American people, since the war in Vietnam," wrote John Brady Kiesling, a 20-year veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service in his letter of resignation last week to Secretary of State Colin Powell. Kiesling, who was political counselor in U.S. embassies throughout the Mideast, added that "until this administration, it had been possible to believe that by upholding the policies of my president, I was also upholding the interests of the American people and the world. I believe it no longer."
I pulled that from Robert Sheer's opinion piece printed in Salon.com today. Here is a link to the NYtimes which prints the entire resignation letter
I usually avoid talking too much about politics in my blog. I prefer to explain my own feelings, my own views in the world. I know that most, if not all, politicians lie, and frequently. I know that espousing one side or the other accepts those lies in hopes that at least your side is reaching for some good in the middle of all their lies. I know that in my own personal relations, I could never deal with this sort of people. If I believe that you simply cannot succeed without lying, then I am certainly glad that I will stay well below the public radar if I can continue to be truthful.
However, I am incensed. I see what's going on in our country, and it feels like an incredible amount of lying to me. I don't know what to do with it. Yelling and screaming does no good, even if I direct my anger towards those who put the current politicians in office. Upsetting myself to the point of panic doesn't hurt anyone but me.
I can't believe in any way that killing the Iraqi people will ultimately help the Iraqi people. I try to believe that the White House really is looking out for our best interests, but I can't. I see them looking out for their own best interests, which means incredible power for America (do you not know that for the past five years the AF motto has been "Global Reach, Global Power?"), which means protecting Israel, which may even mean protecting oil interests. If I believed in the humanitarian causes they suggest, then I would see them acting out in other hurting places in the world, helping the Palestinians, helping the Irish, helping the extreme poverty and destitution in our own country, helping to control the problems between India and Pakistan, or curbing the tyrannical leaders of Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan we instead seem to be patting on the back for their help invading Afghanistan.
I know that these inspections are unnecessary in the eyes of the White House. As they have repeatedly said, they will accept nothing less than regime change. No matter how much Iraq disarms, they will still insist that Hussein is a danger to the US. I won't argue that point because although it doesn't seem likely, I honestly don't know. I do however get the sense that the terror alerts going off all the time without any direction or plan mean to add to our fear rather than to add to our safety. When fearful, people often react. I am always suspicious of people encouraging fear. What motive do they have to increase our fear? I don't have to answer that.
In the end, I don't care so much about the politics. Our elected representatives will always fight and squabble; our constitution sets them up for that, and the slow process of legislation is exaclty what democracy needs to survive and weather people's many faults. I do care about the casualties, the people who have nothing to do with these arguments about missiles and regimes, about global power and influence. These people always suffer the most in any conflict.
1:57 PM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
I am still having much trouble with letting go of all the problems in the world. I still get so upset I stop breathing, and cramp my stomach. There are innummerable problems to worry about, of course the battle over Iraq, the perpetual conflict against the police focused right now on San Francisco where it looks like much of the top command might have resigned, the growth of the gap between the wealthy and the poor, more stories about priests abusing young boys, all these I read about today. I want to control them, to insist that I would do better if I were in charge. I make them all enemies in my head, adding almost everyone at one particular time. But we're all human, all make grave mistakes that cause other problems. Some of us are undeniably greedy, some of us are completely unconcerned.
I used to be unconcerned too. I didn't know what to do with all the information the news carried, so I didn't bother paying attention. Now that I do, I still don't know what to do with it, but I'm concerned, worried, suspicious, nervous, and frightened. Where is the hope I once had? What did I base my hope on - did it move away, or did I move away from it? Do I hope in basic human goodness that can turn the tide, or do I have to resign myself to hope for small victories like cooking a good meal, increasing my physical fitness?
Hope seems to be the only hope we have in this terrible world. I have to find it again, to grab onto it and never let go as it always seems just out of reach, a little higher than I can jump.
I'm just sick of believing in lies. I've believed in them my whole life, the lies from my parents about football, college, the future; the lies from society about love, justice, and capitalism; the lies I told myself about the ills of masturbation, the necessity to not trust anyone, the importance of keeping to myself, hiding my emotions.
So I don't want hope to be another lie; I want to believe it's there. Maybe if I believe in hope, then hope exists, only because of my very belief. Am I that powerful? Can I create my own hope? Hope in god, hope in people, hope in friends, hope for the future. Can I do anything else? the lack of hope lately has left me physically sick, searching for answers but not expecting them, longing for someone to help me when I first have to believe in help, and therefore help myself. the lack of hope is despair, right? With despair comes death, but with hope comes life.
2:03 PM
Monday, March 03, 2003
mardi gras, mardi gras, mardi gras. yes, here in st louis. beads, costumes, drunks, the high-heeled drag queen race, more beads, dancing in the street, people crazy enough to dance with me dancing shirtless with my boa (I even got a dollar stuffed in my leather pants), people watching heaven. and in the middle of all that, getting to know a new friend (to whom I gave my gumby beads). i'm tired, exhausted, only capable of sitting here like a vegetable. but i did love the freedom and the crowds, the high spirits, the parading, the beads, the colors, the neighborhood i know so well transformed into one giant party, even with the cold weather, the snow from the night before, and the cloudy sky. the balconies, the windows full of people, the grilled onions, the hot chocolate, the dancing in the street, so glad to feel so happy, to let go of all these troubles i constantly write about, even if only for a day. but what a day. it was better than last year, and i didn't think that could happen.
11:34 AM
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