words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Friday, May 30, 2003
Most advice columns berate or batter those who write in, or somehow try to judge them and tell them how they should behave instead of how they are behaving. I never would have expected to have read such a beautiful and understanding response to a difficult questoin as i found in today's Since You Asked column written by Cary Tennis. i don't know if you can read it because of salon.com's fee, so i will quote the last paragraph and hope it makes sense.
"That doesn't mean you do a cost-benefit analysis and find someone new. Not if you're no longer a player. You stick around. You stick around and try to help. You cradle her head on your knees, you pick up her prescriptions, you get her to the doctor every Tuesday. That other stuff you were doing, that was a game; that's why they call it playing. This is real life, real love, where even if you start losing, you don't just walk away from the table. "
This answer could refer to most any problem a person has with his or her spouse. and it may be the true answer to committment, how people actually stay together, even when they disagree. what befuddles me, is how do you make that choice? do you simply wait until you fall in love with someone and then say, yes, i will love you for the rest of my life, and i will care for you as much as i can, even if i know that there might be better people out there? or is committment based on the hope that you might actually find someone you can love forever? I loved a man once, and i wanted everything to be perfect, wanted to love every part of him for as long as possible. but i did a horrible job, and though i still care for him immensely, i wonder what I was thinking then. at the same time, i know what I was thinking then and know why he was so wonderful for me and why he's still a part of my life.
if i were to commit myself to someone, is it just until the feeling runs out, or do i stick around forever, until one of us dies? these questions are too large. and i don't expect to find answers soon, if ever. but there has to be some point at which i am willing to commit, doesn't there?
3:21 PM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Apparently, some old friends of mine, the evangelical branches of Christianity, are amassing their numbers against the Muslims, perhaps to commemorate the battles of Israel against the Philistines back in Biblical days. This NY Times article shows the recent growth of condemnation towards Islam and claims like, "Christianity [represents] what is good, true and peaceful, and Islam what is evil, false and violent."
Let me tell you about the peaceful Old Testament that many evangelicals love to use against homosexuality and all their favorite vices. Just a few quotes:
I Samuel 23
2 Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines
[also spoken by David]
II Sam 22
35 He teacheth my hands to war; so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.
36 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy gentleness hath made me great.
37 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.
38 I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them.
39 And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet.
40 For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.
41 Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me.
42 They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not.
43 Then did I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street, and did spread them abroad.
Judges 3
28 And he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over.
29 And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man.
Yes, ever so peaceful. I was raised on these verses because my parents and most of the churches we attended believed that the Old Testament had been too long forgotten by most denominations and should be meditated on thoroughly to know the true nature of God as an angry tryrant.
Somehow, they forgot that when Christ came, he established a new covenenant, not based on the old laws, the documents stored in the ark which caused so many wars, not based on "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth," but based on the most amazing love one can have for one's brother, the willingness to die for him. This is why the New Testament is separated from the Old Testament, because Christ changed how humans were to interact with one another.
One could actually say that Christianity (based on Christ's example not on the Old Testament) is or at least should be a peaceful religion. But the way it has been practiced, with many churches leading the way to Iraq, with Bush citing God as his helpmate, the religion that so many Christians practice is much more in tune with the Old Testament than with the new peaceful covenant between God and man. Claims that the Koran is much more violent than the Bible can hardly be true. I can't say I've done much study of the Koran, but I can show you page after page after page of war and destruction, bloodbaths and raucous encouragment of the killing of enemies in the Bible. Perhaps I should continue working on a project I started long ago, a version of Shakespeare's insults, but from the Bible, including all the curses God gave to men. could be wonderful fun as well as a good reminder of what kinds of words the Bible includes.
3:04 PM
Monday, May 26, 2003
long weekend, full of dancing, uniform competitions, walks in the garden, bean cooking, flower sniffing, ending with boyfriend missing. i always have trouble when he drives away. but he's coming back, right? he's coming back.
here's an Allen Ginsberg poem:
Psalm III
To God : to illuminate all men. Beginning with Skid Road.
Let Occidental and Washington be transformed into a higher place, the plaza of eternity.
Illuminate the welders in shipyards with the brilliance of their torches.
Let the crane operator lift up his arm for joy.
Let elevators creak and speak, ascending and descending in awe.
Let the mercy of the flower's direction beckon in the eye.
Let the straight flower bespeak its purpose in straightness -- to seek the light.
Let the crooked flower bespeak its purpose in crookedness -- to seek the light.
Let the crookedness nd straightness bespeak the light.
Let Puget Sound be a blast of light.
I feed on your Name like a cockroach on a crumb -- this cockroach is holy.
2:11 PM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
where do i go from here? i have many questions and thoughts and possibilities. i know i haven't talked much about what it feels like to be out of the air force. maybe i don't believe it yet; maybe i'm more concerned with my future than i am with my past. mabye i'd just like to save my reflection for a few months down the road, when all this means more to me anyway. at the moment, i'm happy, but confused. yes, i'm out, i'm free, but free to do what? it's hard to move on when you're not sure in which direction to move. thankfully, i'm nowhere near panicking. i have set myself up well for this, with money, with friends and connections, with plans swimming in my head, but i do at some point have to make a choice, and i can't sit this decision out for too long. nor do i want to. there's enough excitement to it that it consumes much of my thoughts. and nothing yet has slapped me in the face and said, do this. i can't sit around and wait for that to happen, but i'm hoping to have more of an idea than i currently have. in the meantime, i'm working a fun job, reading about Dorothy Day and the Catholic Worker movement, enjoying time with friends, and planning a month of seeing my brother and other friends. that and falling for this wonderful man, which admittedly, governs my thoughts perhaps more than it ought to. but how can i help that?
so, ignoring all the heaviness in my life, biking to work is fantastic. I cross over a large train yard each way, on a long bridge over such industrialism. when the trains are there, some of them hum and click, but they rarely move much. they seem to hover, like large beasts waiting on their masters, or bored bears just hanging out around their caves. they remind me of bjork's selmasongs where she found music in everything, even the clanking of the factory machines. I love watching the traffic go by on the interstate above the bridge, sometimes fast, sometimes far too slow, remembering how wonderful it is that i'm not confined to such lines anymore, that instead, i can cut across the streets in a much more random fashion, taking a left down this street because there aren't any cars, or using the sidewalk to avoid too many cars. what a symbol for my life right now, leaving rigidity behind for the open air of a bicycle, meandering through streets, especially riding home at night, with my flashing light behind me, enjoying the cool air and the dark blue sky, the mostly empty streets, and just, being outside with both a purpose, of getting home, and a freedom to stop along the way, go by this place or that place, not worried about having to get up in the morning or wow, or anything. yes, even with all the aforementioned decisions to be made, i am content.
12:28 AM
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
the pictures are back! i finally figured out how to get them posted again! yippee! here are some flowers to celebrate.
false alarm. they worked for about five minutes, and now they're gone again. i dunno.
3:14 PM
Monday, May 19, 2003
tomorrow is Liza Doolittle Day! For those of you who have seen the movie, you may remember when Liza is dreaming of the King who says, "Old Liza, old thing, I want all of England your praises to sing. Next week on the twentieth of May, I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day!" I couldn't find anywhere on the internet where people have staged such a party, but in a way, that makes me even more unique than i thought (although surely, there are people who have thought of this!). I've celebrated this holiday for five or six years now, doing just a few things to remind myself how much I like the movie, the thought of trying to remake someone else but also learning that even if you change them, they may or may not turn out like you planned, and in the long run, you're better off simply sharing who you are and not demanding others attempt to be like you.
I watched the movie last night with my boyfriend to start the celebration, and I guess I may not do much more than that. Were I to plan? Well, you should definitely have a cup of tea (remembering to pronounce it properly - if you have trouble, say, cup cup cup cup, of of of of . . . ), a few strawberry tarts, chocolates (barrels of them), a ride in a taxi, and buy a flower off a poor girl, while otherwise working on your diction with marbles in your mouth and phonographs to record your mistakes. or you could contemplate the difference between social classes, even in your own city, and how language shapes our impressions of people. remember to always treat everyone well; they are all princes and princesses waiting to be shown off.
5:58 PM
Thursday, May 15, 2003
An old friend called up last night, one I haven't talked to in almost a year, who i haven't seen in at least four years. she reminded me of two things, that connections long forgotten can still exist, if only a bit dusty, and that sometimes there are people in your life that, regardless of the time between you, still resonate in your head, amazing people that still cause you to shake your head when thinking at them, at the fun you had together, at the worlds they introduced you to. what struck me last night, after the phone call, is something many people have tried to tell me, for six or so years, that as much as i might deny it, i am one of those people that others remember, and remember with great passion. why is it so difficult for me to admit, that i might be important to others, that i might have energized them in new ways or presented a wonderful alternative to so many other people they knew? I've grown to accept that I'm attractive enough for people to rememeber exactly what i look like after a ten second introduction, but my next step is certainly to accept that my insides are also incredible enough to make impacts far beyond what i can understand. i remember my friend james, from the AF academy, a guy who blew away all my expectations, who opened up my eyes to highs and lows, to the things right in front of me, beside me, and coming out of me. although we haven't talked for five years, i would do almost anything to see him, if he wanted to see me, perhaps even if he didn't care so much. every indication i get from people is that i am the same to them, that i have affected their lives in ways they cannot forget and wouldn't want to. can i believe it? can i stop sloughing off compliments and comments about how much i mean to people? If all this is true, then I have succeeded, that anything i will do in the future is simply a bonus, for i have already been wonderful to several people around me, supplying them with new life and hope, and strength to be themselves. what more can anyone ask of my life than that i inspire a few people to live better? maybe just continue, just continue.
10:39 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
yesterday i found a link to my gay uncle. i have known so little about him in my life because he killed himself when i was only three, and my parents refused to talk much about him. my grandparents persecuted him, and my only other living uncle doesn't speak to us, so i really had no way of learning. but yesterday, i heard about a guy he corresponded with in the last couple of years of his life, who apparently started an MCC in LA. I'm so anxious to talk to this guy, to try to learn about my uncle, to see what he went through, all of that. i had rather forgotten about it, so sure i was i would never know. i hope to feel some kind of connection to him, to try to understand why he killed himself, just to know who he was and what he did or didn't do with his life. i'm still so surprised.
strike that, he didn't start an MCC, he started MCC, the first MCC in the country. ok, i have to track down this guy.
2:20 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2003
A young boy whose mother I worked with in high school is headed to the West Point Academy this fall. My freshman year at the Air Force Academy, I spoke to his class about what i was doing there. Apparently, he followed my example and will attend this fall. No, I am not responsible for his decision, and yet, i feel it, as if he never would have heard of the place, would never have seen its enchantment had I not been around. I'm sorry. I'm not sure who I'm addressing that to, the world perhaps, those who might die by his actions. In some way, we are all responsible, aren't we? everything counts, as depeche mode sang to me years ago. we're responsible for what those do around us, the influence we knowingly and unknowingly spread. No, we can't control them all, but I can't resolve the shock of how much people listen to me, whether I still want them to or not. do you remember the song? oh be careful little fingers what you touch, oh be careful little feet where you walk, for the father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little tongue what you say. sounds more like a threat than a kindly reminder, but yes, no matter who's watching or what's happening, we affect the world around us. so be careful, be ever so careful.
6:37 PM
Friday, May 09, 2003
This is why I read the comics. sometimes they represent parts of me i don't want to forget about. or more likely, they remind me that i'm not the only kook in the world, and i love having company. Read this day's 9 Chickweed Lane. yes, i understand that, so well. even though i don't ever consider myself a huntress, sometimes a good scream is really necessary.
on an equally light note, soy chorizo is delicious, especially in the soup i made of sauteed soyrizo, onions, peppers and garlic with simmerred asparagus, broccoli and mushrooms. delicious mexican flavor, without meat. amazing what chemicals can do.
3:09 PM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Dan Savage is probably a jerk. At least, he comes across as one in his sex column. While I usually stay far away from jerks, this guy is a jerk for a reason, so he can give detached, honest advice to sex-crazed people. he is able to do it while mostly restraining from any judgement on the people who write in. although he makes fun of everyone, he allows that everyone can and probably should have their fun. This week's column is one of the best i've read. I love his comments on Senator Rick Santorum (R-Vatican City), and his ability to tell people to wake up and face their problem instead of trying to weasle out of them. sometimes we all need a bucket of ice-cold water dumped on our heads. Dan loves to dump them on us. what a perfect match!
1:28 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
This morning, I sat in my car under the rain.
The water collected on the windshield
and turned the world into Monet and Debussy,
streaked, blotted, and blurry.
The water falls from such a height,
(those clouds covering every part of our sky
like a unibrow, so that there really is only one cloud)
falls onto my car with only a slight sound
as if it doesn't want to intrude on my thoughts
and yet couldn't help bumping into my car.
The drops splatter and spread, pool and slide
down my windshield, riding each other's streams.
i sat wanting to run my fingers along the windshield,
underneath the streaking water, sat and watched,
enjoying the unorganization of nature,
enjoying the rain and windshield being themselves
pulling acceptance and love out of myself
for the world as it exists,
all that love out of me as if it were always there
just waiting to fall out, like the rain.
12:15 PM
Monday, May 05, 2003
Madonna has a new album. we haven’t heard much of this side of her; in fact, i think she actually wrote the songs herself. I say that because the songs are mostly unpolished and unprofessional, which can be an excellent way to write an album. unfortunately, she is a 40 some year old woman and i admit to feeling sorry for her if she is this confused about her life. but what right do i have to pity another person's emotional state when mine has so recently changed? so instead, i'm listening to what she's saying and ignoring most of the beat behind it; not the usual way to listen to a madonna album. in that way, it's impressive, not because she speaks about deep subjects well but that she is trying to dig so deeply inside of her. good for her that she's trying to do this, and i hope she learns a lot from this massive self-reflection. at this point, she doesn't need any more money, so she ought to do whatever she wants. i think she's actually learned that she should have done that in the first place because the money has not satisfied her. if i could write her, i would thank her for her honesty and her humanity, for descending from the clouds of celebrity and taking back her human, messy form. i would offer her the hope i've found, in people, in silence, in community, and in herself.
she doesn't need fans anymore, she needs friends. i feel the same way about myself. i lived for a long time collecting fans at gay clubs, showing off my body and my smile, even my intellect at times, pulling people on this string of worship. that's a horrible way of putting it because i wasnt' completely conscious of what i was doing, but that is essentially what i did. madonna has done the same. only more successfully. it's gratifying for a while, but awfully lonely. I kept trying to meet friends, but all I got were fans, people who adored me on a pedestal instead of caring for me as a friend. I didn't want their adoration, at least not for very long. but i seemed so high above them that they couldn't do anything but that. katherine hepburn understood this predicament, in The Philadelphia Story, and vehemently derided her adorers. but it's hard to find much else in a bar, and unsatisfied, i took the adoration in place of friendship, hoping it would help some. so i acted in ways that induced the adoration bit, that enlarged my fanbase. i don't miss it, and yet, i do. it's like bad chocolate. it still tastes good, even though you know it's not what you really want.
so i've managed to turn a critique of an album into a critique of my own life, which doesn't surprise me. one way of understanding people is to compare their experiences with yourself. and i know i reflect on my own life to the point that i forget to pay attention to other people. but i'm learning that, too. and so i hope that people who read this who have passed this bridge long ago don't chide me for how immature i am, as i am trying not to do to madonna. i wish her understanding and hope, as i would for anyone traveling this road.
9:49 PM
Have you read Alternet before? I want to point to a few articles because they carry heavy weight to current problems in our country and in the world. the site is clearly on the left, and a bit depressing as many leftist sites are. It's so easy to look at all the terrible parts of our world and find them overwhelming, to lose yourself in the miserableness of hunger and poverty, of all the uncaring people who simply want to get richer. the challenge though, is to work on the bad parts while seeking out the good in life, and celebrate what we can.
Still, I appreciate the journalism Alternet seems to offer. Jason Halperin's article, Patriot Raid about his experience at an Indian restaurant should haunt anyone who values freedom and liberty. I can hardly read an article like that and not angrily send it off to my Mother shouting, See? But that doesn't do any good, and won't convince her anymore than her sending me a clip of a story on Fox news about how much the Iraqi people love us. Somehow, we have to be able to have conversations about these kinds of things. somehow, we have to love each other enough to listen, and speak honestly.
Because I don't watch tv, I don't know who Ashleigh Banfield is, but she made an excellent speech at my boyfriend's (no, i haven't yet mentioned that i cared for someone enough to label him) soon to be alma mater, Kansas State University. How beautiful to hear this story from a journalist, to know how much she cares about searching for news, how much she cares about the world and all of us in it, even how much she cares for america, and how she wants to keep it safe, not by destroying everyone else, but by talking to the world, and trying to convince them that we are better people than we appear.
so, keep up on your reading, forget the tv. it's just entertainment, and not news. but, even when you're learning about the horrible plight of so many of us in the world, remember to love the caterpillers that you see on the sidewalk while you're outside, or the people in your life who have made you smile, who have cooked you dinner, and wished you a safe journey home.
9:27 PM
Sunday, May 04, 2003
I met tonight with a group of wonderful socially minded catholics, the center for theology and social analysis. a wonderful community of people who work for local social justice, peace in their own lives, and what peace they can give to others. it seems such people are everywhere, hidden from me previously, but now opening in my life like corners of hope and possibility. now that the door has opened for me, it's so good to find so many others there, already working on the same tasks. They asked me to speak about my experience, to tell them what's been happening. every time i tell the story, i start to tear up, remembering the intensity and the depth of the feelings i have had in the past year or so. i am not embarrassed by tears any more, but i know that it's more difficult to speak when tears are coming out of my eyes. and yet, to remember the pain of the news interview and the beginning of the CO process, to remember the friends that held me in their arms while i cried, the love that came from places i never expected, the pain that forced me to be open to such love, and how i hope to always be open to such love. how do i remember that without feeling some of the emotion? i'm glad i still feel it.
so now, i'm more and more excited about what might happen in the future, how i might continue and how i might work for good around me, not in some supermodel i pray for world peace silliness, but in actual hard work, of building communities between people in a neighborhood, of helping those who need help, just as i needed help then. and these are some of the people who can help guide me on that path.
8:39 PM
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