words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Monday, March 29, 2004
When i graduated from the academy, all i wanted were gay friends. Since i had only two during my last year and didnt' tell them about myself until a few days before graduation, i desperately needed companionship. straight friends wouldn't have been good enough, i needed to see what other gay men were like, to know that i could express parts of myself i didn't know how to yet. i found what i needed with the frontrunners group. it didn't matter whether we connected on an emotional or intellectual level, although i did find a few who met that criteria as well. what i needed was simple companionship where i could learn again who i was.
I need that again, now, for more reasons than i can count. of course, i can't find all of them, academy graduates, long-haired occasional nail polishers, cycling and somewhat obscure music enthusiasts, conscientious objecting ex-military quakers, etc. some i can't even mention here because the weblog is too public. we all have many many parts of us that we don't know how to translate to the world around us. but i've hit another part in my life where i need to find more common ground than i have at the moment. i'm just not sure how to find, and not sure which crazy part of my life to concentrate on. at the moment, i feel like i've living in my third foreign country, and neither i nor the people around me speak the same languages, much less have similar gestures.
Still, I'm about to travel to another place, D.C. if i get the quaker internship, Minneapolis or some other chillier location if i don't. what do i do in the meantime? When people ask me where i from, i stare at them, trying to read in their minds what exactly they mean. Where was i born, where did i recently move from, what did i recently leave, what gives my skin the dark tone, what songs affect me so profoundly i can't listen to them without tearing up? where am i coming from? this is when i have to tell and hear stories to help me shape my experiences, to find perspective and common understanding.
i've never been your average bear, but for the third time in my life, i feel so distant as if i, well, as i mentioned earlier, am an emigre from some country people around me have only heard of.
10:57 PM
Saturday, March 27, 2004
it's warm in here. it's hit 70 degrees in my apartment. so i've taken my clothes off to celebrate spring. it is nice, i suppose. it's not what i wanted, but how many times in our lives do we get all that we want? no, it's better to learn how to be content with what you have. so this year maybe i can enjoy the heat, let the sweat roll off, and not fret.
11:11 PM
Friday, March 26, 2004
Forgiveness is difficult, of course. when you have a letter in your hand that doesn't seek to understand but only to condemn, it's difficult to say, I love you Grandma. When some words say "I don't condemn you" but others continually point out how wrong my life is, the words that say "I love you" feel hollow. I want to fight back, i want to keep arguing, to prove that i am right, that I have thought about this more than you have, that I can use the Bible on my side as well.
This is violence, too. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt me for much longer. But i pledged to stop violence, didn't i? I said violence isn't the right way, that even in the face of an attack, I would respond with love, turn the other cheek, love my enemies. How? with a lot of effort, maybe.
so instead of writing her back and refuting her points, I've written a letter that simply says I love you. I know that we disagree, and I know you think you are more right than I am, that you are simply passing on the words of God to me. And I love you for trying to do that, for trying to help me, even though I feel that you are wrong, that those are not the words of my god, not the one i talk to all the time, not the way who brings me such peace that I might actually be able to forgive you, although the wounds you have given me sting and smart every day. Even though I've curled up on the floor and cried for hours because of the words you spoke to me. the god that I listen to gives me the peace and the love to forgive you and even try to understand you.
No, i didn't even say that much to her. Just that i loved her and would try my best to show that love. and i know, the other side of me is screaming for retribution, to accuse her of false love, to show her that the fruit she bears is poisonous. This is what discipline is all about, knowing which parts of yourself to elevate and and which parts to control. and knowing the struggle never ends, no matter how long you've been practicing the same words over and over. i get better at understanding all the time, but i never block out the other sides of me that would prefer to use my muscles, both mental and physical, to take advantage over someone else.
4:52 PM
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
The army is sending 30,000 new troops to Iraq. 30,000 people. do you even know 30,000 people? will you ever meet that many people? I'm sad for them, and I'm sad for us, that we have not figured out a way to, well, i don't even know. what are we supposed to do with Iraq? Since when have soldiers ever been able to bring peace? How much more of an occupying force do we look as we continue to send more and more troops?
i just ask questions, I wish i had more answers.
9:55 PM
"I understand that Israel defends its own country. However the picture of a wheelchair-bound person who was killed with a rocket is probably not the best way of promoting Israeli security," Reuters quoted Cimoszewicz as saying at a press breakfast in Brussels. Jerusalem Post
11:35 AM
Friday, March 19, 2004
i used to worry a great deal about strength and weakness. Am I weak if I give in to my parents demands, if I am always a follower at work? Am i strong for coming out, for trying to realize who i am? Would I be stronger if I denied who I am (a central tenet of the Christianity my parents brought me up with), and lived by willpower and not feelings. But great strength can be used for great folly, as I eventually realized denying my sexuality was. i could also have denied my love for my mother and would have gotten nowhere with it. I haven't so much resolved these issues as i have moved away from them, and I feel i'm cheating by not explaining all that here, but i don't have the time, or, honestly, the strength right now. Rediscovering my life according to one theme is something I specialize at, but it takes weeks of thought and writing.
I've noticed though, the Bush crowd has been using a lot of this argument, when it talks about appeasement, the strength of standing against terrorism, hints of weaknesses being enough to cause disaster. But when i think of true strength, I don't think of Maginot Line's that nobody can cross (you can always find a chink in the armor). I think of Mother Theresa, Jesus, and a willingness to work with and understand others. Anyone can build walls, but how many people can let their enemies in, take care of them, try to make friends of them, at the risk of losing their own hearts, at the risk of being mocked by the rest of the world, at the risk of being used? That's the strength I want to have, and I want our nation to have. Such strength erodes the fear our president would prefer us to have.
12:27 PM
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I like discovering music i already have, bands that get lost in a giant mix of songs and newness. Today it's Kenna, thanks to Jeff. i want to know the words enough to sing along, to share the harmony they're creating. It's not music i would generally like, i don't think, but maybe that's why it's so much more exciting. it's too loud, and i'm too tired, and i need to do laundry, but listening to this music, yeah, it reminds me of getting a new cd back in middle school. my dad would buy us christian music, people like bryan duncan and kim boyce, and of course amy grant and michael w. smith. i would play it lying on my bed, with the insert opened up so i could read the words and pretend i knew the words and had been hearing this music for months. I read everything, the thank yous and the people they worked with when the chorus repeated itself, every last inch of it, because music is rarely as consuming as i want it to be.
i can't 'just' listen to music, i have to read or clean or wash or do some other activity so that the music soaks into me a little unnoticed. Music only exists on its own when i know it so well that i create stories in my head to it, when i remember first hearing it, or all those times i listened to it. and then, when it does that, i'm hooked, and when i talk about the music, you'll see my blood start to rush and my voice come out faster, like it does when i talk about teaching survival training during the summers at the air force academy, training for and racing in triathlons, or the moon rainbow i saw driving through southern california on my way to oklahoma, these parts of my life whose memories caffeinate me.
it will take a while before Kenna can do that to me, and i don't know that it will. but the possibility is there, and powerful enough to keep me listening.
11:57 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Another news story about a soldier turned conscientious objector. It's good to hear, as always, that there are people who agree with me. but i feel an immense sadness for them, the struggle they've had to go through in their minds leading up to their decision, and the struggle they will go through with the military to get out. This guy, Mejia, actually from Nicaragua, has gone AWOL to escape his return to Iraq. that's never a good sign, and it probably means he's had some mental truama leading up to it, as well as he probably won't get an honorable discharge.
My thoughts go to him today.
12:03 PM
Friday, March 12, 2004
I've never been too opinionated in my life. as i mentioned earlier, i'm slow when it comes to decisions, when it comes to defending myself. in fact, i dont' usually feel like i have to defend myself against anyone. i don't have a lot of righteous anger; i know i'm allright in myself, and have no reason to prove that to anyone. i've always shied away from opinionated people; it's no fun having to listen to their opinions which are usually shallow and far too intense.
but i'm changing, and feeling stronger about this or that opinion. some of that comes with age, all that time built up behind me, all the thoughts in my head coalescing into persuasive arguments. and then there's the part of me that just wants to jump all over the news. of course, i still don't give much of an opinion, i just ask questions:
is it really necessary to defend the fast-food companies?
If we build unmanned tanks, will we go to war more often because it's just a computer game, where the only actually deaths are on the other side?
aren't all movies about Christ essentially a bad idea? and shouldn't Christ be played by a very dark jewish man who looks awfully arabic? - actually this article contains good questions about the nature of man, evil or noble
I don't know the answers. i could state my opinions, but does anyone really care? as nice as it might be for the world to know how i feel about things, i'd rather have everyone thinking about the questions, and not simply my opinions. maybe that's where talk shows should go from now on. instead of the vituperative voicing of opinions, they should just ask questions, about everything. of course, then it would no longer be entertainment.
11:23 AM
Excellent article discussing the comparison of gay rights to civil rights. Leonard Pitts condemns his community for standing with the social conservatives that very recently excluded them from their churches and schools. No, it's true we queers have never been called three/fifths human in any official document, but we have been called the lowest of the low by many many people in high positions. Missouri legislators called a group of constitutents "disgusting" recently, my mother told me i was going to kill myself soon. I can't count the times i've been yelled at by cars for holding hands or kissing a guy on the street. in st louis, in sacramento, in santa cruz of all places. people hate us, there's no doubt.
11:12 AM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
The California Supreme Court has ordered San Francisco to stop marrying us. They haven't invalidated the marriages yet, and nobody expects to rule on that subject until this summer. I wonder what Newsom will do. will he continue to defy the state government? will he accept defeat and fight in court?
The next few months are going to be big. What will happen in Portland, in Massachusetts? Will we finally have a charismatic gay leader rise up to lead us, a man, a woman, a transgendered person? will we fight? will we finally stand up for ourselves, proclaim who we are instead of hiding in the shadows? will the two guys who i see at the cofee shop actually look like a couple in public instead of remaining vague? will i find someone to hold hands with on the street? will our drag queens lead us again? or will we just let our hopes die because we didn't know what to do, weren't comfortable enough to work?
I ask these questions of myself, too. as a gay man, i haven't lost that many rights. i'm pretty comfortable in my life; i didn't want to be in the military anyway. ("the problem is not gay soldiers. the problem is dead soldiers. ban the military") I haven't lost a job yet for wearing nail polish, and there's a crazy gay guy who dances down the street i work on, to entertain the people. is the goal of obtaining marriage licenses worth the incredible effort it might take? i think it is, and yet, i haven't done a whole lot to work for it. Writing about it at queerday.com helps. but, is it enough? what more as a community can we do? if we can organize a huge pride parade here every year, can we do more than that? how many of us want more than entertainment to fulfill our lives?
5:28 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Teaching morality is a difficult task. Our schools have to do some of it, to curb lying, cheating, stealing, and the like. I think sex education is important, too. I know I learned more from the classes i received than i ever did from my parents, or would have on my own. i was a shy kid who didn't ask questions, and who certainly didn't know what a vagina was. i would agree that teenagers are probably better off not having sex, and yet, i rather wish i could have when i was in high school. What i don't like is the term abstinence. To me, it says that no matter what, you must never do this, never ever. When you put something off limits like that, you censor and change teenagers. a lot of them, like me, will try not to think about it, will not ask necessary questions about it, will be frightened by it. and then, quite a few will be excited by it, will want to do it merely for the thrill of breaking the rules. so who wins with pushing abstinence?
The New York Times released a survey done of teenagers who had taken a virginity pledge, asking them whether they kept it. by and large, they didn't, and it didn't stop them from getting diseases, etc. in fact, because they had been taught abstinence, they were less likely to use a condom - you can't teach someone to not have sex, and then teach them how to have safe sex, can you? i didn't know what a condom looked until i was almost 22. that's a shame, but i am certainly responsible too, since i was so scared of sex.
Maybe the difference is how someone goes about teaching morals. but then, you can't really compare stealing to having sex. one is a crime, because you're taking from someone. sex, though, is much more complicated, and while you can steal sex, you can also give sex and share sex. anytime you boil such a complicated issue into a statement of "don't do it," you lose. the students lose, the teachers lose, and the society loses because the young are not educated to respect the powers and the pleasures they control.
Don't teach abstinence. teach respect, understanding, and curiosity. teach all of it, the incredible feelings of sex, the emotions and passions. teach the potential pain, the potential diseases; teach the necessary safety requirements, the danger and the thrill of losing yourself in someone else. education should open the mind, not cage it.
11:39 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2004
I woke up today, dreaming, continuing a dream i had, daydreaming, retelling the story of my high school track efforts, wondering if i could have done better than i did. I didn't dream this because i'm disatisifed with my shotput experience. I loved that sport; loved being outside throwing for a few hours a day after school. It wasn't violent football; it was just me throwing a heavy ball around, working hard, trying to understand the concept of focusing my body behind one effort. I usually threw alone, maybe one or two other guys there who didn't talk much. I sang often while throwing, almost always in a good mood out there.
But I never did well. No matter that I was the strongest kid around, no matter that I wanted it badly. I just didn't understand how to coil my body up and shoot out of it, the necessary quickness of an athlete. But in my daydream, i had all the mental faculties i have now, having finally grown into my body which grew so quick, so early. I dreamed of throwing the lengths that should have been possible for me, i dreamed I figured it all out early on, without the years that it's actually taken me to be self-aware and to use some talents I have.
I've never been quick. i've always had to heavily analyze every argument to see the sides of it, to understand my feelings on it. I wanted to be different from my always in a hurry father who seemed to know everything but with a falsity that bothered me even when i wasn't fully aware of it. I could feel his insincerity and hated his exaggerations. My slowness means that i've missed a lot of boats, got myself involved in efforts i really disagreed with, played along with people who didn't mean as well as i had thought. I can't go back and change how well i threw the shotput, can't claim the personal glory of it. But what i'm seeing now is that it may not matter. The time and energy I've put into understanding the world around me has given me a depth i am surprised not to see in other people.
The daydream wasn't a silly illusion, a self-pandering effort of re-making parts of my life. It's an awareness that I have improved since then, greatly. Any efforts I put myself into from now on will benefit from the slowness i've practiced my whole life. i won't be a "person under thirty to watch out for," but i'll always have sincerity and passion that come from deep inside me.
4:50 PM
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
spring, i think, is here. pity. i was looking forward to more winter. i was hoping we'd have about ten more months of it. by that time, maybe i'd be sick of it. it doesn't really matter what i think though, spring will still come to st louis. and it will probably look all bright and shiny, and i'll start to like it for that reason, even though i'll miss the snow and my double layer of coats with all those wonderful pockets to hold things. then summer will follow, and ugh, i'll be upset and, well, let's not think of that. for the moment, i'll just regret the passing of winter and hope that spring takes its time coming around. stinking spring.
12:56 PM
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