words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003
hi, my name is stephen. i'm not sure who i am anymore besides that. i've just disrupted everything in my life because of a passionnate belief, and walked away from my employer for nine years. i've spoken in front of large crowds on purpose (unlike the events i had no choice in as a kid), i've changed my routine (now i'm clean). I'm still thinking I'll have to shave, wipe this nail polish off and go back to work pretty soon here, but i don't, i really don't. I've spent the past two days thinking about job searching, and talking to two different places. I got a job about an hour ago at one of them, a cool cafe downtown. yes, i'm shocked. I talked to the owner, gave her a resume i just completed today, and she hired me, to do nothing like what it says i can do on my resume. so i can't even say i'm unemployed at the moment. do you know the word flabbergast? now is a good time to use it. give me a flapdoodle and call me your sweet bippy.
i'm actually more peaceful at the moment than i have been in years, save for the thirty days of leave i took last month. now i'm on permanent leave from the air force, and i'm just good. sure, i'm excited, thrilled, expectant, and smiley, but i'm also peaceful, quiet, and thoughtful. i can't have done what i just did and jump up for joy for too long - it's changed me too much to pretend i can be who i was. now is my remaking, my rebirth, my newness spilling out, for even me to see.
7:09 PM
Friday, April 25, 2003
yes, i signed out today, left my identification card, left the base, became a civilian again. i don't know if this is true, but i don't know what other reality to believe. so i'll take it. so far i've sung, i've cried, i've shouted, i've painted my nails, listened to the tape i made for myself for graduation from USAFA five years ago, full of songs of future and hope and oh my goodness it's all done. as i said then in my farewell quote, o bells ring for the ringing, for i have tasted the whole worm.
10:37 AM
Thursday, April 24, 2003
tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
11:02 PM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
i can dance. in two days, i'll be dancing even better.
2:45 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
I first heard Nina Simone a few years ago as a mistake. I was buying a cd for my friend Richard's birthday. I asked to hear a dinah washington cd because I had heard good things about her, but the salesman accidentally played nina simone. I checked the songlist, since i knew both the song i was hearing and the one i was supposed to be hearing, and they clearly did not match. regardless, i loved it; i was so impressed with the simone cd, i bought it for richard as well, and then, ever so tactfully, asked to copy them both a couple of weeks later. after copying her cd, i listened to Wild is the Wind and teared up at the emotion in it, some of it I felt for richard, some I didn't understand, having never felt it at all. It's a song that should always be at the end of a cd, so that you hear nothing but silence afterwards. no song can follow that song. I've grown to love her voice and her command of a song, but i know there's still a lot to learn about her. I didn't know she was still alive when I learned she died today. which makes me feel silly, but then, i often follow simply the voice for years before i learn a thing about the person behind it. it may be the same (selfish?) impulse that allows me to know many people whose last names or job titles i have never remembered or cared about. I love how she sings, with all the emotion i wish I could muster.
2:34 PM
Iraq is one large unexploded ordinance. literally. here's a story: "He was playing with four other children when his mother, Mona, heard the blast and rushed out to find the children, all under the age of 6, bleeding from head, hand and arm wounds. She said one of the children told her that Ali's 3-year-old cousin, Hassan Ali Hussein, had just picked up something shiny off the ground.
As she spoke, Ali, naked except for a diaper and partially covered with a flowered sheet, wailed through the heavy bandages that swathed most of his head. His mother made a gesture as if to pluck out her own eyes, which were swollen with weeping.
'I would take them and give them to my son,' she said in a grief-hoarsened voice. 'Take my eyes, take them! Who can watch their child like this, and live?'"
But figuratively, Iraq could still explode any minute. in conflicts between the different ethnic groups, in conflict between arabs and americans, in conflict with other countries around it, like Iran and Syria. this is the american legacy so far. is there anything we can do to help? especially those of us who demonstrated against the war, how do we now continue our support for the iraqi people, when our government has hurt them so badly?
8:11 AM
Monday, April 21, 2003
this is my last week in the air force. the last week of standardized health care, the last week of military rank. the last week of blousing my boots (tucking the pants under so that they fall level with your boots but tight around your calf), the last week of saluting and being saluted. diana ross's i'm coming out has been singing in my head today, in anticipation. not that i think i'll do much besides enjoy my finger nail polish a bit more often. and maybe shed some of my paranoia, although much of it i've left behind while maturing the past five years. this may be the last week of a steady paycheck for a while, and certainly a higher paycheck than i'm likely to make for a long time. fortunately, i have saved well. this is the last week of carrying around identification that says I belong to the Geneva convention category III, combatant. and of course, the last week of the limited military discounts one can occasionally find. no more commissary or tax-free housing allowance, no more state tax reduction and cheap car registration. i still know where to find a cheap haircut and the civilian libraries loan better movies and books anyhow. last week of driving 25 miles one way to work through suburban illinois, the metro-east area of st louis, listening to my tapes or the radio since my cd player is unfixable and has yet to be replaced. last week of having that tell-tale sticker on the bottom left side of my windshield explaining that i'm an officer at Scott AFB; the police officers never had much sympathy anyway. last week of being shy about what I do for a living because I am frightened of it getting around too much or bothered by the 'hot man in uniform' idea. last week of conforming haircuts and facial hair, of pretending to those i work with that i might actually be straight. last week of changing my glasses before i go to work, or wondering whether the nice curl in my bangs makes me look too gay. this is the last week of my second life, the first being raised by my parents, the second being raised by the Air Force. Now I'm in control.
3:56 PM
Friday, April 18, 2003
I have avoided the subject of the sexual harrassment and rape charges at the US Air Force Academy because I largely didn't know what to say. i didnt' see anything of the sort when I was a cadet, and I never heard complaints from women there. Of course, I was also oblivious, and it's very possible that I didn't see what was under my nose. i know that sexual assault is a serious issue, but I also know that female cadets have a bad reputation for not taking it seriously and using it to their advantage. Anybody remember Kelly Flynn? She claimed that all women at the Academy are sexually promiscuous. yeah, um, sure. The scary thing is if the current problems are real, and what in the world can the air force do about it? Salon.com reported an excellent article on the issue, reminding me of many bothersome problems that have always existed, like wanton abuse of power. i don't know if people can see the site since I'm pretty sure it's a pay site.
As I'm about to step out the air force door, I've been reflecting a lot, what it was like when I came in, how the conscientious objection process started, all kinds of memories to face. says the article, the USAFA training "approach has been to overwhelm the cadet with so much stress, from so many different angles, that he or she cannot possibly overcome them individually. 'They artificially create crises to make people work together.' " (Why, after so many years, is it still good to have an outsider remind me of how difficult that place was? Because in my memory, I have tried to say that my feelings aren't really valid, that it wasn't that bad of a place? Or because I just dont' want to remember at all?) Also, this approach creates problems for those of us who don't conform well. 'military doctrine since World War II holds that men and women in battle do not fight to stay alive -- they fight to keep their comrades alive -- the concepts of "unit cohesion" and "esprit de corps" take on religious significance to combat commanders.' " So when I'm a cadet and I listen to strange music and say strange things; when I am not interested in their fun, I'm considered against the group and almost disloyal. Is this the same thing that's happening with all the United We Stand bumper stickers? because a large portion of the country feels threatened, they want to draw in together with like minded people. When they see peace activists advocating a different way, instead of listening, they accuse them of disloyalty because of their immense fear.
"'When a freshman wants to leave his room just to go to the bathroom, he puts himself at risk,' an academy professor said. Lurking around any corner lies a potential upperclassman with the power to stop him, haze him, berate him, drop him for pushups and issue demerits. 'It's a high-anxiety situation,' the professor said."
Yes, that's true, even if it may sound surprising. how do you live in an environment like that? you get by with what you can; you eat ramen noodles from the hot water you can get from your sink because you aren't allowed to have a hot pot or use the microwave. You sing each other songs because you're not allowed to have music. you get used to it, but when you go away for a vacation, you quickly lose that perspective, and returning to the academy causes massive stomach aches and nervousness.
What happens though, is that cadets have the power over you, and when you become an upperclassman, you have power over the lower cadets. Yes, young people having complete power over younger people. Of course there's abuse of power, constantly. There are limits that we have to abide by, but things happen all the time that shouldn't. The Academy's system broke my belief in authority because I saw my friends, people that I had struggled with against the authority, turn into horrible examples themselves.
"'Any sophomore who's pissed off for any reason can just shit on a doolie just because he can,' said a high-ranking military professor at the academy. And sophomores, fresh and bitter from their own relentless year of hazing, tend to be anxious to dish it back out to the next class most viciously.
'It's a tremendous amount of power for a 19-year-old to hold over an 18-year-old,' the professor said. Even cadets are daunted by the power they wield. 'Last summer I was a colonel in the academy,' said senior Andy Allen. 'I had power over 2,000 people. Despite that, I was 21 years old.' "
With this atmosphere, who is surprised that sexual assault happens? That it goes unreported because people are trying to remain true to their friends, that people lose their trust in everyone around them because everyone is a possible enemy who can weild strange power over you. My roommate for a semester was confined to his room for every weekend because he had one beer underage away from the campus, on an academy trip, during off-duty hours. a girl who disliked him turned him in to the Academy.
They're trying to change things there, take away some of the power from the cadets and give it to officers, which will help revenge fests and such. Will it be enough? i don't have any idea. I'm worried that it will cause more frustration with the cadets who already have to deal with constantly changing rules. And of course, they are the ones who are ultimately punished by any of these changes. the Secretary of the AF has already blamed the cadets, instead of the leadership, for allowing all this to happen. It's never a nice day to be a cadet.
2:33 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Can i describe my emotions? Yesterday was excitement and relief. Today is disbelief and a bit of concern over my future unemployment. tomorrow is good friday. I've been thinking a lot about when i started the CO process, the terrible television interview, the panic of how the air force might react to me going public, the panic of standing up in front of large amounts of people. Haven't I always been a quiet person? and yet, look at me now, speaking here and there, willing to stand out in a crowd, working with an Amnesty Int'l group this weekend and planning a radio interview with a friend of mine who co-hosts a gay themed show. I still don't speak up when I should - the sandwich artist at Subway could hardly hear what I ordered. I thought it was plenty loud, but to him, it was probably only low murmuring. So is it simply the cause that has changed me, motivated me to push myself to be louder? yes, but then, I've known this was coming for a long time. I've long been in front of people, from the times I was on television because of my grandfather's role in ministry, when I went on a missions trip and spoke in front of churches at ten, when I was elected by the ten valedictorians in my class to speak at the graduation ceremonies, when I was a flight commander at my last job in sacramento. i never fully embraced it, but people have been comparing me to my grandfather for a long time. almost six months after i was the nightly news top story the day before veteran's day, I'm a different person. The past month of leave, staying home and reading, studying, thinking, and writing have improved my understanding peace, as a movement, and as a personal way of life. I'm changing so fast, i can't keep up with myself. no wonder my mother doesn't know how to approach me. when my first love read this blog recently, he remarked at the past month of entries, how dramatically I had changed from when we dated. that wasn't even two years ago. he always said though, I can't wait to see who you become. oh, but who am i becoming? i almost feel as if i am watching, too. standing on the sidelines, hardly able to evaluate each move before the next one comes.
No, I can't describe my emotions, can't calculate what this means to me, will be adding things up for years to come. how did nine years in this institution change me? and this last year and a half, full of even more internal torment? Guided By Voices sang, "I am a scientist, I seek to understand me."
2:22 PM
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
I received word today. The Secretary of the Air Force has approved my application for conscientious objection. My current separation date is next Friday, the 25th of April. When I found out, I called a few people, and then went for a run. I had to do something to release all that energy, the wonderful knowledge that come next Friday, I will be free from the oppression the Air Force has had over me for almost nine years (two months shy). Yes, I was smiling during my run, yes, i yelled a few times or screeched or made some horrible jubilant noise. now, i'm calmer, or just a bit tired. shocked. what can i do with myself besides thank God for holding my hand through this as he said he would. and thank all those who supported me as well, my quaker family, so many friends, and oh, most everyone (i won't name the few who opposed me), and of course those of you reading this who have sent me encouraging and wonderful emails reminding me of how good people are. but this is no oscar awards ceremony; the air force has simply officially recognized what I knew I was in September of last year.
I have to go outprocess, i only have seven duty days left.
12:33 PM
the clouds hid the angry sun while driving to work, my windows down, the best way to enjoy the little hair i now have on my head. the cure's doing the unstuck played from a tape i found in the basement reminding me to let go of so much (tear out the pages and all the bad news, pull down the mirorrs, pull down the walls), passing the forest after east st louis, the first hill in illinois which was bare when i left and is now full with early green and white and purple, those sprightly spring colors dancing in the newness. the clouds around the sun bent and curved like eyelashes framing the light from an unseen eye. this is where i have to be; this is where i am. i will celebrate in what i can.
8:02 AM
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
tomorrow, having had thirty days off from work, i will shave, put my uniform back on, switch my glasses, and drive to illinois. being so close to my hopeful discharge, i hardly know how to go back. now that i have spoken so much, now that i have worked so much in my own mind, improved a great deal in my head. going to work seems like going backwards in time. i hardly know how to shut all this off. maybe i don't have to; maybe i can be myself there at work, discuss peace issues, etc. not that i usually talk much to anyone at work. i don't know. the only way i can do this is to simply do it. the more i wonder and consider what it's going to be like, the more anxious i feel. i have to remember to breathe, i have to remember the time in prayer and solitude i've had this past month, i have to not revert into the person i was. and yet with all those rules and regulations, where do i stand? i don't expect anything much to happen when i walk in tomorrow. they'll probably treat me as well as they have been, and i'll happily hide in the office they've given me. seems like everything has changed within me, though. i have grown, i have solved some of my difficulties, with bitterness, with love, with myself. i have had epiphanies and tears, and just time, seemingly endless time to read, to write, to contemplate all this in my head. all this in my head. i'm so thankful for the time, so glad that i used it well. but wow, going back now. going back now. i hope for patience, to wait out the rest of my time. i hope for peacefulness, the peace that i've had in the past month that has been so amazing to me, so new and incredible. i hope for strength, to stand up when i need to, not to let things cow me like they always have. i hope i am a step closer to being done with this part of my life.
8:33 PM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
thank you, by the way. for being yourself, for caring for me, for caring for the world in the way i know you do. years and years, i've thought i didn't need anyone, that people were little more than annoying. except for those few lonely saturday afternoons, i proved myself too correct, and ignored much. and when my life grew so heavy that i couldn't carry it any more and wished some big truck would come and take it away, all that life i couldn't carry, i fell into the hands of a few friends, weaker than i ever wanted to admit. in that weakness, i found the strength that i had always heard about, the strength of trust and love. when i couldn't handle a night alone, my friend todd stayed with me. or my friend anthony talked to me while i fell asleep. others have held me up in more distant ways, but i still felt their empathy fill so many empty parts of me. i haven't recovered; that is, i'm still a bit weatherbeaten and weak. and yet, i'm not sure this is weakness because the strength i relied on earlier never satisfied my life. that strength which kept so many people at bay, making enemies of those around me. richard taught me that through his own fear of trust. and see, now, i know who i can turn to, and i know that even strangers can do wonderful things for me. i accept that now, with the excitement that i don't have to hold myself up alone, but that i can receive and ask for help, and that i can help others, knowing that everyone needs help. do i understand what i'm saying? that people matter, maybe for the first time in my life, lots of people matter. my first love, joshua, wrote me such wonderful things recently that i keep reading them, keep thinking about how i have changed since he and i dated, how i wish we were able to see each other again and talk for hours, just to see what has happened to each of us. because i care, still care, and i'm astonished that i would care so much. and then, the man that i've avoided discussing around here because i don't like to kiss and tell, but i have to say that he's begun to occupy parts of me i thought were permanently void. though i don't know our future, i trust that we will share much together. so i am humble in respect of the people in my life that i for too long discounted, even the ones that come and go, and stil leave us better than we were before. i am in awe.
who am i now?
9:31 PM
Friday, April 11, 2003
I am, of course, conflicted over the news of the victory over iraq. i hesitate to call it a victory (can i quote yoda and say this is just the beginning of the clone wars?) because i can only hope that america will not betray the iraqis with the new government we install. but yes, i am glad that hussein and his party are out of power, even if he is old rumsfield's buddy. that is an obvious good, and it's a good that the iraqis dont' seem to hate us for invading their country but in fact welcome our advance. i still mourn the loss of so many iraqis, americans, and british as well as the destruction of land, homes, social structures, and hospitals. I hope we bring them medicine and food and energy soon. i shouldnt' be so pessimistic, and yet, i can't help it. i don't trust our government to protect and serve us as americans, how can i imagine our government to do better for a foreign nation? Now the rest of us will have to work; since we are in iraq, we owe them our ability to rebuild their communities. let's not forget that. i feel as if i have stopped an assault on my mother by a crazed lunatic, but in my attempt to save her, i have killed the attacker. of course, i am happy to have saved my mother, but i am equally sorry i could not contain death. my celebration at the saving of life is heavily dampened by the loss of life i took to save another. i am happy for the immediate ends we have reached in iraq, but i still do not agree with the means that saw so many casualties (there's nothing casual about death).
10:24 AM
Thursday, April 10, 2003
i know, i've been serious, haven't i? for my whole life, i suppose, except for about two years in sacramento where i avoided much of my difficulties and just lived. should i do that again, can i live with such abandon? no, i can't. not now, now with all this weight. and yet, i dont' think i have to be so serious, don't think i have to ignore the blooms and the worms and the clouds in the sky. lately, i've looked at them with forlorn, as if they're a part of a different world. but we share the same world, don't we? so i've secluded myself, so i've drawn inward and inward, every chance i get. how do i push outward? or maybe i just need to enjoy a few things. this is not such a deep puddle; i was enjoying myself just days ago in oklahoma.
i am comfortable and safe here in my apartment, with my bed nearby and water from the sink in case i need them. if i venture outside, i have to deal with other people, not having everything i want, and accepting the world for what it is, rather than how i would make it. maybe i'll take my sillly putty around with me today, a piece of show and tell, a reminder that silliness is a virtue, and i have as much time as i need.
12:23 PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
I have stretched myself this past week, opened up parts of me that had been closed. i spent time on my mother, hoping the investment would be good for the future, hardly expecting anything now. She surprised me. i love her. maybe i had forgotten that, that she had anything about her that i could love, so harsh have her words been to me lately. but forgive me for not loving her anyway. we talked and talked and talked, and i learned more about her than i thought i could have. she, too, is beautiful, and though not perfect, still has love inside of her. that little part that i can focus on and say, that's what i love, and learn to accept the rest, hoping that she changes, but knowing that I will love her regardless for who she is today. i hope maybe she can do the same for me, that maybe she has been all along and i have judged her too harshly, letting my pain and fear speak instead of my love.
Now I'm home, playing music on my cd player, drinking tea and hearing my rat rustle in her cage behind me. I have one more week off of work, and i am hoping to determine my future, to understand where i should go and what i should do. so much confuses me, on the one hand not wanting to be super-christian boy but hoping i can somehow finesse my life into my own version of religion that more accurately reflects how I understand god and the bible instead of bowing to the centuries of tradition. on the other hand, wondering what my limitations are and what my goals are. knowing yourself may be the most difficult task in life. i haven't written anything while traveling, in my notebooks. so i will write now, write all these thoughts and questions, hopes and pains.
11:40 AM
Friday, April 04, 2003
traveling, driving, thinking, listening to the music in my ipod. discussing troubles with my mother, off to see my brother and his newest baby girl, and all that oklahoma waste. but its' spring here and the redbuds are more beautiful than you remember. i hardly know who i am, being on leave for such a long time, with facial growth i've never had. i miss st louis and i miss my apartment although i haven't been gone long. it's home, and i'm not there right now. instead, i'm living off others and just enjoying what i can. it feels like summer.
11:33 AM
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