words, words, words
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If I begin to detail myself here, will you understand?
P. I am me
Q. I don't always know exactly who that is
R. I am Quaker
S. I like words and playing with them
T. I like genmaicha tea
U. I like the word napkin more than most others
V. I spend time walking my neighborhood
W. I cook rice often
X. I sleep well most every night
Y. I eat large amounts of fruit and vegetables
Z. I munch, sleep, write, create, cook, bike, watch, walk, listen, hope, learn, drink, live, breathe, touch, know, question, taste, copy, read, stare, carry, talk, dance, finger, try.
raisin@gmail.com
albums:
Magnetic Fields: 69 Love Songs
Erasure: I Say, I Say, I Say
Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
The Beach Boys: Pet Sounds
Marvin Gaye: What's Going On?
David Bowie: Hunky Dory
George Michael: Listen without Prejudice
George Gershwin: Porgy and Bess
Yo La Tengo: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
songs:
Wild is the Wind: Nina Simone
Come Undone: Duran Duran
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini: Rachmaninov
My Funny Valentine: Chet Baker
Feeling Yourself Disintegrate: The Flaming Lips
This Must Be the Place: The Talking Heads
Hyperballad: Bjork
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Sunday, December 28, 2003
I am not one of them. and mostly never wanted to be one of them. one of those fabulous people who attract and reflect drama in their lives, who wear each other's fashions, who look so cute. i always wanted to be different, and i succeeded, so much that i sometimes have felt a bit of an outcast. well, it was my doing, so i can't complain. I took many hard routes in my life, and i look with jealousy at others' lives which seem so easy and fruitful. i have learned much i know, and i am about fifty years old, although not quite thirty. which is why i so rarely get along well with people. i am a hundred contradictions, and too many just stare in awe. i like that, i am more of an individual than most anyone i know. but i am scared at times, to be so different. i know that we are all the same, essentially, have the same spirit, the same blood through our veins. but it's hard to accept and love the differences, too. i can't change now, can't mold into one of them. i'm just too weird, even when i'm trying to be normal. i'll be proud of that, when i am actually fifty, although i will still wonder what it would have been like to have gone to a real college, to have just existed. our choices are both positive and negative. although we choose one thing, we deny another, we cannot do them all. but believe me, i have done a lot, and my life is more interesting than i can sometimes handle.
soul searching at the end of the year. and man, what a year. who am i again?
6:21 PM
Twenty-five thousand? I can't get my mind around that many deaths. that's everyone i've ever known in my life, dead, burried in the rubble of an ancient city. How does a city, a country, lose twenty-five thousand people and maintain anything? Although, Iran apparently had their largest earthquake in 1990, which killed 50,000 people. i don't understand. i can't comprehend that loss. i can't.
10:39 AM
Saturday, December 27, 2003
time to stop feeling so dramatic. my life is awfully good. Christmas is over, thankfully, and it went really well. i'm having music overload - iTunes Music Store is a good thing. What's struck me since i wrote that last entry is that I might actually learn to need people again, and admit that I need them. I have needed them all along and been very well supported, but i refused to acknowledge it or accept it. i have many friends right now who are supportive and wonderful, and it's about time i step out of myself and recognize their friendship. It means a lot to me, and I'm so glad to have it. i want more and more, and that's ok. friendship is worth wanting more of.
There's no doubt that i'm still working through large changes in my life, and that in itself is stressful. it's difficult to simply trust what's going on around me, and understand that I'll do well. forgive me for being so dramatic and pretending people don't love me. even my family, of whom i have complained so much this month, love me, in their own difficult way. I don't like the way they love, but i'm positive they are trying. I am trying as well, to love them and yet to stand up for myself, for the first time in my life. Another difficult change. But I can do this.
See, I never make new year's resolutions. I make resolutions and changes all the time, and I figure if I don't make them when I see a problem, then making them at new year's isn't going to help. and right now, it's time to give up this self-pity. you'd think I were still in the Air Force; you'd think I'm blind and friendless, but mostly you'd think I were not recognizing the great strides I've made in my life this past year, these past years. when I take some perspective, see my life when i was 16, how i was bound to my parents, the incredible influence they and their pseudo-Christianity had over me, and then see what changes I have made, largely on my own, without some older mentor to guide me, I have come so incredibly far it boggles my mind. Who would have thought that I, who had never confronted my mother or talked to her about any serious issue that bothered me, would have three different conversations with her in one year about being gay and about leaving the air force? Who would have thought that after growing up under the mores of Oral Roberts and his university, that i would be a happy Quaker, would instead of throwing out all religion becauase of the incredible strictness that I adhered to growing up, find a new path that I could believe strongly in? This is good, and I have to accept it as good, recognize it, and remember how hard I've worked for it.
8:13 AM
Monday, December 22, 2003
why do i need so much? why don't i love myself as much as i know i should? why do i need validation from my parents and from other people, for most everything i do? i suppose i'm human, full of contradictions, containing multitudes of needs, feelings, plaintive soulful sounds. i'm not one to wish i were someone else, but i certainly wish that i were better than i am. of course, it seems everyone else has plenty of their own problems, too, but i want to be better than my problems. i want to stand above them and laugh, say, you're not even big enough for me to stub my toe on. if i could see my life from someone else's point of view, i would probably like myself a lot better. or maybe i'd see my faults more glaringly. maybe both, learning to accept myself like i'm learning to accept others, no matter how much vision they give me. it's all right, i tell myself, it's allright. because there isn't anybody else to tell me, no significant other to whisper don't worry baby in my head, no longtime best friend to stay up all night and talk to me. if i fall? i know some people who will try to catch me, but can they hold me up? i'm heavy, and they don't know me well. i've moved too much, left friends behind, lost the means to touch them.
count your blessings he tells me, that other side of me that knows pity isn't worth the time it takes to think it. and so i count them, and i could keep on counting them until i fell asleep laughing. my life is rich and full. time will fill up the memories between me and my current friends, most new within the past six to eight months. man cannot live on bread alone. this time i can't say i don't need them. i may never have admitted that before, not in my whole life, thought i could live without anybody, and i did, unless you differentiate between existing and living. but i've tasted what i've been missing, and i need it. so maybe in uncovering this need while not quite yet knowing how to fill it, i've opened myself to more hurt, just for a short while, until i find what it is i need. but i have to know that i need, before i can reach for it.
4:29 PM
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Thomas Friedman's NYT Op-Ed column describes the new american isolationist. We have not retreated from the world like some would have had us do in the past, but, "The cops are now in charge — not the diplomats. The only Americans foreigners will meet will be those wearing U.S. Army uniforms and body armor." This is especially true after next year when we start fingerprinting everyone who wants to get a visa to visit us.
We're a nation of frightened, powerful people. i don't know what the answer is, but we can't block the world out, face it only with a gun.
8:56 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Speaking for god is dangerous business. you can say what you think god wants you to do, you can try to glorify god with your own life, but doing things in his name is a hubris akin to raping Lot's guests in Sodom. some rival Episcopals are claiming they know the will of God, that they understand how he thinks. '"The Episcopal Church, in approving same-sex blessings and the consecration of the new bishop of New Hampshire, is saying God approves of this. God doesn't approve of this and that's a huge lie," Duncan said.' people have always been willing to do this, to elevate themselves and assume what they want is what god wants, claiming false legitimacy for their views.
i hate being associated with such Christians. I have struggled against this my whole life, grew up in the middle of large churches, my family interwoven into their decisions. it's the reason my brother refuses to go to church, its the reason so many people hate the word Christian, because it conjures up images of people who act like they know they are right and you are wrong. false prophets have always been popular. few people understand how to love God, and i'm only scratching at the surface of it, hoping that i can at least put myself on the right path, even if i never reach any sort of understanding of who or what he is, whether he's the bread i consume, the sun in the sky, the warmth inside me, the loneliness on a warm night, the one i talk to ceaselessly, the music i hear running through my head, the tempter who begs me to have fun, or just some distant star, watching us, or even ignoring us. he's big enough to be all of those things, to be the universe itself, and all of us, just living inside of him, our earth a microscopic bug in his belly, helping to digest the food he eats.
1:27 PM
I can play Dionne Warwick again! see, i had her set to wake me up on my ipod, even on mornings when i didn't have the speakers plugged in, she still played, racking up the play count on her songs. So, when i checked the 25 most played list on iTunes, she dominated the list, about 15 of the spots. gasp! i thought i couldn't play her until others caught up. but, it wasn't that hard, i just removed her from the library, and re-placed her, so that the play count went back to 0. yippee! sing, Dionne, sing!
now how's that for an inconsequential post? i've been so heavy lately, i know.
11:37 AM
Sunday, December 14, 2003
An actual letter I am sending to my grandparents in response to their Christmas card:
Thank you for your Christmas card, and your prayers for me. I trust that God understands our prayers better than we do and interprets them accoording to our best intentions. I too, pray for you, that you would love as Christ did, with compassion and kindness, and without condemnation.
I know you pray for me to fall in love with a woman instead of with a man, but I know the love I have shared with men is a part of the love God has for all of us. I listen to the spirit often and constantly ask for guidance and support; I have grown so much in my relationship with God and better understand his desires for my life. I feel him all around me, in the beautiful snow that fell yesterday, in the community of the Quaker meeting I attend, in the many blessings of my life, and always inside me, loving and healing me.
You have hurt me for many years, and I don't understand why you carry such condemnation with you. i am stronger now, and have been afraid of you for too long. I don't seek your approval or your advice because I would not trust it. Your love has been shallow and only given when you agree with my life; I have walked on my tiptoes to not offend you. I am tired of that, and must live my own life, and make my family from those with whom i share a truer love. I hope in the future we can better learn to love each other, as Christ demanded. i suspect you do love me, though you have allowed your bias against my sexuality to disfigure such love.
Let us both pray for peace this Christmas, and the increase of love around the world, for all people.
11:33 AM
Thursday, December 11, 2003
a quote on our Army's intentions in Iraq:
Salon.com: "''With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money for projects, I think we can convince these people that we are here to help them,' said [Lt. Col. Nathan] Sassaman, [commander of First Battalion, Eighth Infantry, part of the Fourth Infantry Division].'"
yes, we all know that fear + violence = help.
10:23 AM
i put down my rat, Susie, tonight. She had a large tumor and wasn't moving much. I think it was best, and a friend of mine did the work of relieving her. i dont' know what to feel about it, just a loss. a small loss, yes. i won't exaggerate and say she was my favorite pet ever, or that she meant so much to me. but, well, the fact that i had to put her to sleep is the worst, that she didn't just die on her own, because it was her time, but that i had to step in and make a decision to take her life. i don't doubt that I made a wrong decision, but just regret having to make it. maybe you don't realize, but rats are intelligent enough to have a personality, and she was quite different from my last one, who i got along with a lot better. susie was reclusive, as i often am, a little scared to be touched. i recognize that i could have held her more often, and she might have been different, but i imagine she still would have developed the tumor. well, death is never pretty, even if it's something small. i'll miss her, her fuzzy body, her whiskers, her thrill over food cuttings i gave her, her licking my finger, just her being there in my apartment, waiting for me.
12:10 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I finished another notebook this week, filled up the last page with my words. I've filled up five or six now, but this most recent (the picture on the right side of the blog is of this notebook), was the largest. more than that, I finished the notebook the fastest i've ever finished a notebook, just over a year, not counting the two months i left it in storage while i travelled around and used a different book. I've had a lot to say this past year, especially since I kept this weblog also, double writing, i've probably written more in the past year than in several years combined. does this mean anything, that I should pursue writing as a career, that i should collect words i've written and try to publish them, or just that it's a strong part of my life, one i'm very proud of? i don't know that yet, but i know that writing has been my therapy, a way to explain myself to myself, all the troubles of growing up, of seeing the world differently than it used to be, of conflicting emotions. Writing has been something to do, and as boredom is the enemy, a faithful partner in self-entertainment.
I didn't anticipate this. i've kept fitful notebooks in the past, a journal i wrote in while visiting Australia at ten, a small black book i kept while in college, documenting my struggle with christianity and the academy, even the mostly sexual journal i kept to keep track of my coming out stories. It wasn't until I bought a beautiful blue leather-bound book in new orleans that I started writing ideas, leaving the stories behind, but instead trying to document the contents of my mind. i wanted to write more often than i had something to say, and i know it helped me to think, to examine my motives, my ideas, my questions. soon, when i had bought a second notebook, the writing became a friend of mine, something to do when i wanted to go sit in a cofeeshop. i probably would have rather talked to a friend, but i had no friends, only unavailable acquaintances. once again, for the third time in my life, i hid in myself, not sure how to meeet the world.
who am i now? i've asked myself that at almost every turn in my life. i thought it was because i was changing, ultimately, a different person all the time. but i'm not so different, i'm just a bit wider; i have a bit more perspective on myself and my life, and my mind has grown to understand the world and myself in it. by all rights, i should have spent years in therapy with someone asking me questions. but i'm not sure i trust such professionals, and am sure i don't want to spend the money. so i'm happy to have found something else, quite by accident, that would let me question myself, that would force me to open up, and to examine hidden parts.
paper and ink, with thoughts enough to fill the rest of my life.
11:53 AM
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Angels in America premiered tonight, and I won't stop thinking about it for a while. its characters are too real, too honest to simply fade away. they live in my head, repeating their lines, mixing their lives with mine, forcing me to re-evaluate my life based on their revelations. I grew up, not mormon like Joe, but fundamentalist, in that every law ever passed is a law in my own mind, a wall restricting what i will do, think, and desire. some of that is in the past, and i have successfully broken many laws, but some still haunt me. simple ones and difficult ones, like being late or speaking up about my feelings, make my heart thump in fear. I've been unlearning so much of my life since I turned 19, and though i have come so far, so far that i hardly remember the boy I was, I am not nearly as far as I would like to be. I try so hard to be good, can't imagine doing anything else with my life, but my awareness of good has changed so fundamentally that i have grasped at whatever i could reach, have lived in fear that i might be horrible. I made myself sick with the fear when it all started, in college, breaking out into hives repeatedly, scared and nervous, and alone.
i can't tell you all this, i can't just say what frightened me then, what still frightens me now. i don't have that kind of trust. i haven't gotten through all this, don't expect i ever will, but will have to constantly reevaluate my situation, try to see myself as well as i can, try not to be the monster inside, try to help more people than i hurt.
The second half of Angels in America will air next Sunday. I can only hope its revelations are just as poignant, its fears so raw and honest, that it will be another part of that mirror, to help us see ourselves, who we really are, and maybe who we might be.
11:49 PM
Friday, December 05, 2003
Christmas letter to family, second installation:
I miss you though, and I love you. My memories are vague of good times when i was younger, but I miss those times nonetheless. I was blind then, to a lot of things, and i didn't mind. I won't go back to that, and i don't know how to face all of you with my new vision. i wish i had more strength to love you though. Christmas is difficult now, without a family to back me up, to go to to celebrate the day. I know, I have made a few makeshift families along the way, and they have been wonderful for me. I still hope for the future though, that some day we can spend holidays together, and I won't close my eyes and close my mouth to be around you. I don't want to live my life just to irk you, to insist i am different and better. I want to live my life and not be ashamed of it when I am around you, to love you whether you disapprove or not. christmas was about sharing time and love together then. I don't know what it is about now, and i find myself hesitant to give out the love I should, afraid it will hurt me again. but I still hope i can do it, hope i can be so loving as to forgive the wrongs you have done me, to overlook our differences, and hope you can forgive me for wanting revenge against you, of thinking that I am better than you, of not being myself at all times, not giving you the benefit of the doubt, and letting you grow into it. merry Christmas, and hope for next year.
11:13 PM
Thursday, December 04, 2003
if i were a sarcastic man: a Christmas letter to my oh so conservative family:
This year has been one of the better years for me, in terms of accomplishments and victories, making new friends, and growing in my spirit.
It started with a hearing to prove my conscientious objection to the air force, trying to get closer to what Jesus intended, instead of running for God, shopping for God, killing for God, all that wallowing in self-righteousness.
I was pretty alone during the next few months, with my parents hardly talking to me and my grandmother sending me letters about how wrongheaded me and my peaceful ideas were. Thank goodness for my friend's cock who kept visiting to make me feel better.
Then I met this incredible guy through one of those gay personals sites where you show off your chest and lure guys in by sex promises. he turned out to be bigger than i had dreamed and even stood with me as i spoke out against the recent Iraq crusade, that holiest of holies, prounouncing our God is bigger than yours is.
Strangely enough, after sitting out and protesting against this war of personal vengeance, I received my discharge papers and left the air force while they consistently prayed for God to be on their side, somehow forgetting that God loves everyone and not just them.
But what a coming out I had! Out of the air force, fully out of the closet, celebrating and glorifying God with every last drop of me. I was on a radio show and featured in a gay newspaper, all about my air force objection and my homosexuality, my two favorite parts of myself. Even though my boyfriend broke up with me, i found many people to hang out with, as if i were a new man again, freshly gay.
Since then, I've been working for a gay-owned business, writing up anti-war editorials, and even writing news summaries for a gay and lesbian news website. it's all been so fantastic, as if someone's smiling on me. Maybe it's all the hard work, or even just the waiting, patiently, for my time. I'm so glad I can share all this with you. I hope your year has been even better than mine!
1:35 PM
Monday, December 01, 2003
i like to keep the peace. i love my quiet shoes that make no sounds as i walk. I close my door without noise, to make sure nobody notices, although there is nobody to notice. i love, while jogging, surprising people by running past them without a sound, like some wind that suddenly picked up. i keep my voice low, to make sure i don't make too much impact. I used to hide from my dad that way, wake up early saturday morning, open the cabinets to get the cereal out, closing it slowly and carefully to not wake him up, so i could watch cartoons softly before he came out and changed the channel, made fun of me for watching cartoons. the more unobtrusive i was, the easier life became. I learned i could do all sorts of stuff if i stayed quiet and acted naturally. As much noise as i have made in the last year, with speaking and writing, I am still wary of my voice, my ability to impact people around me. it's so tempting to hide, keep my secrets to myself, as if i am just a cloud drifting by. i have to reconcile this though, learn that i might be better with a bit more noise, or perhaps realize that the sounds i might make are not necessarily noise, but perhaps music.
12:12 AM
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